domestic violence- need to understand

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I have hit the father of my son ( with whom I have been living for 12 years now, 11 of them with our son ) on a few occasions, and I know that it has a lot to do with fear, feeling threatened, or at sea under pressure, not understanding something when I think that I should have done, or a crucial situation or dialogue suddenly being out of my control, for whatever reason, including my chemical state, ( I rarely lose it this way on a gf diet, for example ), and my continuing tendency to blame others for things going wrong/not working when stressed, ( which I am more conscious of and do less than I used to ), which seem to be an inflammable combination, leading me to lash out/explode/lose it. Probably the worst thing is how I batter verbally though; I realise how horrible I can be, and frequently am, when unhappy.

I think that it has something to do with feeling trapped, as if I am with someone, putting up with someone, doing things with someone, "against my will", ... in the case of my son's father it is that because I have his son, and no job, little prospect of getting one if I left, and no desire to either ... I am stuck, despite it being a generally cushy "job", ( almost too cushy, a real coccoon, full-time mother and housekeeper ), so that at some level I realise that I must "prefer" this option. But if I don't remind myself of this, that there are reasons, ( which I might/probably do despise myself for which is no doubt why I prefer to forget/deny them ), for staying here; if I don't remember that I *could* leave if I was ready to take a huge cut in material comforts, in convenience, in safety, etc, I "blame" him, the french papa, for my being "stuck", and he becomes an attacker, an oppresser, a foul gaoler ... and I hit ( physically in the past, verbally still ).

I haven't hit him for a while now, but I still engage in what he tells me is hurtful verbal undermining, terrorism/guerrilla warfare, persistently "cutting language/remarks", ... especially when I am unhappy.

When I am "happy", or "clear" about the alternatives, aware of what I would "probably" be doing or experiencing if I left, and sure that I *do* prefer this, ( knowing and accepting my needs ), must do surely otherwise I would be gone, ( wouldn't I? ) ... I am gentler, kinder, more patient, nicer generally, more accepting, etc.

Don't know if that is much help; but that's my own experience as a verbal and occasionally physical "batterer" ( and in case anyone is at all confused about this; I am *not* proud of it! Giving up gluten for so long now, and other stringent difficult dietary changes, and a lot of my thinking about life-choices/freedoms, models of reality/beliefs, etc, is/has been an effort to control or solve this, and the related previous overflow into "bad"/irritable/meltdownish mothering too ).

Hmmm! To clarify/paraphrase: I think I do it whenever and because I have forgotten or gone into denial about why I am living with this man, when I am denying the degree or kinds of needs that I actually have, and which were naked and undeniable when I first met him, ( homeless, jobless, penniless, on the road, hitching ), but which are not so visible now that I live in a niceish house, with nice clothes, internet, nice food, etc, and I feel so secure ( if dependent ).

And I think that he puts up with it, ( he loses his temper far less often with me, but does on the other hand suffer from it, sink into rather brow-beaten silence and dolefulness from time to time, which a period of greater calm and hugs and affectionate words from me will relieve/evaporate ), because he knows and accepts his needs more easily than I do; he knows and accepts that he needs female company at home, needs someone to prepare food for him, and someone to bring up his son, etc, ... ... in fact perhaps thinks that he is needier than he actually is ( he is a modest/humble person, and his father killed himself when he was 7 years old too ) ... and so tolerates more s***/negativity/"abuse" from me than is perhaps healthy on his side of things.
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I don't know what happened here, but just wanted to add my two cents on this general issue for everybody.
This advice applies to men and women, gay or straight. Follow or don't follow, it's your choice.

People do have disagreements- but while it's ok to be annoyed and disagree about something, it's not ok to hit or threaten. But more than that, it's not okay to just say things purely to make someone hurt/guilty/stupid/blamed so the person saying them wins/gets their own way.

That's the point where the relationship goes bad. It's called emotional abuse, and is just as bad as hitting. If any of that happens, the abused man/woman can make as many excuses as they like about their partners bad childhood, try to explain it away, or make as many changes to their own behaviour to try and stop the attacks because it's them "making it happen" (it WON'T, and it's NOT) - but it won't stop it being done to them in the long run, and teaches the abuser that hurting and bullying people works. So then they do it again, worse and to more people. Emotional abuse can lead to physical and sexual abuse if it's allowed to keep going.

Listen to your gut. If you feel like something's wrong, you feel uncomfortable enough to be asking (yourself or others) if you should be in a relationship -
Then you should not be in that relationship.

If someone finds you 'annoying'/'stupid'/'bad person' and doesn't treat you well, but still wants to have sex with you - there should be no confusion there. Don't try to make sense of that. Don't 'figure it out' as if there was opposing 'love vs hate', because it doesn't mean they love you and hate you at the same time. No. If they do that, they don't love you or value you as a person - they just want to have sex. That's called using.

If something is hurting you or making you feel bad, don't keep putting up with it. That's like hitting your head against a wall to fix the pain, or eating chillies to stop the burning and find the sweet one. It doesn't work and doesn't help either of you. Leave and have a healthier relationship.

Even if you simply don't like something that's much less important than this, and feel it's just not "your favourite flavour"- you don't have to keep doing it if it's not making you really happy as a direct result of doing it. You always have a choice in the matter. Always.


I'd also suggest that if anybody here is having problems figuring things out and feels stuck, they should see a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Not because there's 'something wrong with them' (there's NOT) but because these people are trained to offer support in figuring things out, and often have good insight into people and social situations. They can give you much better help than people on the internet who also struggle with things like this, plus it's much safer and more private than the internet so there's no problems from speaking up.

A safe sounding board is always good for Aspies/Auties. Sometimes just putting it into words helps someone know what's wrong and how they think is best to handle it.

This is free advice to any man or woman who feels it helps. Otherwise, ignore this post.


I have no idea what's happened in the first post as I wasn't there, but I advise the OP to think about whether the relationship is doing good things for him/her. Because he/she has posted the question, I'd guess not. Good luck, and I hope everything works out well for you.

I see the dilemma. Nobody ever starts a relationship on their worst foot. Everybody starts out a "nice guy" and may even say "I would never hit somebody" and maybe never has hit somebody.

I just don't believe there is such a thing as a more "hittable" person. But you might be attracting men who are more likely to get violent when they snap. Or you might be unable to screen out such men.

Everybody pisses off those they are with at some point. Contrary to Willard, I don't think neurology has anything to do with it. It's just something that is going to happen at some point. The big question is, how will the person react when they get really angry.

I offer youy my screening process: don't get into a serious relationship with somebody until you've seen him get angry at somebody or something else, or at the very least heard him describe what he did when he got angry at somebody else. It is very important that you know how he reacts when he is angry. I have never gotten into a serious relationship without first getting this information. One man bragged to me, after a few dates, about how he had punched somebody over some incident. We had no further dates. He probably never figured out why I wouldn't go out with him any more. He probably thought the date went well.

I think women with Aspergers Syndrome are at a particular disadvantage in the screening process. You aren't more "hittable" (yikes!) but you probably have a weak radar for screening out men who are likely to hit when angry. A man who yells or slams doors or stalks off in a huff is a better bet. You have to be careful with the yelling though, you don't want to wind up with the next Mel Gibson. A man who yells, "you are really pissing me off!" is a safer bet than the man who yells, "you##$%#@#$ why don't you just die you @#$%$#@!"

I'm not saying to pick a fight just to see what he'll do. (Nooooooooo. Not that anybody here would ever be so manipulative.) But you can turn conversations towards finding out how he reacted to infuriating incidents or people in his past.

Let's be logical about this: presumably, these men who have hit you had he option of ending the relationship - if you weren't pointing a gun at their heads, or had them chained in the basement, they had this option, period, Now, if what they're saying were true, that you humiliated them or whatever, they could have left - no point in remaining in such a relationship. They did not leave, which leaves us with two options: they were lying, and what they said was just an excuse, or they're mentally unbalanced (because it's not rational, or even sane, to stay in a relationship as bad as they claim it was), or both. If they had been nice and more or less sane men, they would have walked out if it truly was that bad.

You say these men were different from each other in interests, etc; the one thing they had in common was that you dated them. Now, that they were nice men and you somehow made them abusers doesn't make any logical sense (see point above) so there is a pattern of you choosing men who are (already) abusers. That they present a nice facade to the world, that they claim to detest abuse, etc, are surely just words. Words are cheap (unless you're a lawyer); it is actions that are the real test of character. Especially actions in private, when the condemnation of society isn't feared (abuse is frowned upon, therefore they hide it and claim to hate it). Of course they'll sweet-talk you; it ensures they can continue to abuse you with impunity. Believe me, willingness to put up with abuse does not earn you a man's respect, whether he's abusive or not.

While you're not causing the abuse, it's clear there's a pattern of you dating abusive men, and I think this is what you should seek to address.

I dont know, Ive been ruminateing on this further and I think its a combination of me being an annoying and challengeing person and them not wanting to cut off a 'supply of p****'.

I think they were probably not bad people just I was not the right person for them. They should have finished the relationship when they realised they did not like me insted of being mean. I can only fathom that they were too insecure and worried they would not find someone else or that they could not bear to give up the sex.

I think added to that Im very tollerant and forgiveing person and forget after a while that something upset me, and am prone to give too many second chances. Which is lucky really as haveing a child with autism and challengeing behaviour, I would have had a terrible time had I not been tollerant and forgiving.

I think the best path for me is to be alone and not have relationships, as Im not good at them and they only bring distres. Im obviously a combination of a bad picker, annoying person and have difculty ending relationships so its best to be alone or I will carry on haveing the same trouble.

I prefer my own company so thats not too bad. I think aspies are often better off alone with just a few friends for company/outings and a big vibrator for anything else (and cake too, mustnt forget that!).

It might be a good idea for you to have a break from relationships for now, so you can recover from what happened in your previous two relationships, plus learn how to set appropriate boundaries and understand how to be assertive in relationships.

That doesn't mean you should swear off relationships in general, though.

I see that you're still in the midst of blaming yourself for what happened in your relationships, and probably a few responses to this thread haven't helped with that perception. We have to make this distinction clear, though - while it's normal for people to push each other's buttons from time to time and come into conflict, that does not give anyone the right to be physically abusive towards another person. No matter what the perceived provocation is, it never justifies the use of force between adults. Neither does it give one person the right to belittle another person's worth - that's another form of abuse.

A large part of most abusive relationships has to do with control - and part of that control comes through trying to pin all the blame onto the victim. "If only you didn't do <x>, if only you were more like <y>," those sorts of statements.

Can a mod close this thread please before it turns into a flame war.

I beleive in a realtionship both partners are equally responsible for the outcome.

I am not a victim nor a submissive woman but am quite annoying.

The men should not have tried to remain in a relationship where they were not happy but I do not think they were horrible or 'psychopaths', they just lacked judgement on how they should deal with a situation where they were not happy.

Please close the thread.