Feeling like family is mad at you for having AS?

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Was that at me?

I have to disagree with you chessimprov. Sometimes the best way to discover who you are is to go to the root of the problem.

I love my mum and I don't hold her temper against her, but it did affect me. I'm not saying that to guilt trip her (I've never said it to her in fact- god help me if I did!) or use it as an excuse not to live my life; if anything, seeing that things weren't always my fault has allowed to me to go on and live my life. When I was a teenager I used to self-harm because it was the only way I could react and let my own anger out in response to her blaming and narkiness without being screamed at even more (didn't work in the end; she just screamed at me for harming). I moved away when I was 18 and I now live with my boyfriend. We've had our share of arguments, but they're not one-sided screaming matches and I have not self-harmed since I left home.

I am a far more confident, out-going and happy person ever since I stopped shouldering the blame for every outburst and frustration she had when we were young and if you see this as blaming her for her problems, then yes I am. So yeah, I think I'll go there.

This can increase the risk of having a AS child, but my mum never smoked or drank or took drugs, and she took the same neutritions as all the other mums she knew, and all their children came out as NTs. But I know why I was the one with AS. It's because my mum has had nothing but bad luck happening to her ever since she was born, so having me as her child is just another bad luck thing what happened to her. And she still is getting bad luck upto this day.

I know this was a few days ago, but anger at mom isn't blaming her for being ASD or anything, unless someone says they think their mom caused ASD.

My hatred for my mother has increased since she was telling blatant lies during my evaluation the other day. Trying to say I seemed normal when she came to be classroom mom in my class between age kindergarten and third grade... She NEVER f*****g came to any of my classes. My dad did once. How do I remember this? I remember way too much for my own good, like being FREAKED out when a substitute teacher of my kindergarten class opened my beef stick wrapper with his teeth, or when I got scolded for sneaking my fries outside to eat on a cold day in pre-school, and so many memories before my parents divorced (their divorce was final when I was three years two months). I remember when they told me they were even getting a divorce (I thought it was a good idea, even so young) and when my mom asked me to lie during a custody hearing, I refused, so she growled at me "THEN YOU ARE NOT GOING". I don't know how she pulled that off, the judge was expecting me to be there to testify.

She lied to the doctor during the evaluation about smoking while pregnant with me (she has admitted it several times in the past to me, and my sisters, but now that an evaluation is involved "No, Never"). The doctor told me "You display being Asperger's, but I cannot diagnose you because of the discrepancy between yours and your mother's account before the age of 13" which is only when she feels she started to notice something. I was fed, and bathed, but otherwise neglected. The thing that makes the hatred worse, is how her and my stepdad treated, and still treat, my youngest sister who is eight years younger than I, who was diagnosed with Autism at two, didn't talk at all till 3-1/2, was to placate her with food (for years she literally only ate processed chicken nuggets, tootsie rolls, licorice, and if my parents got pizza or fried chicken, only the cheese and pepperoni or only the chicken skin. They never nutured her, screamed at her like they screamed at me, and let her watch TV 8-10-12 hours per day.

I'll stop, sorry for the derail/hijack/rant or whatever. I don't know where I was going with that.