Alone To Not Alone?

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When you've spent a long time being single you can be used to being single, and if you frequently spend time in long-term relationships you get used to being in a relationship. Switching to being in what you're not used to is challenging.

If past relationships didn't work out that can create "baggage" that affects how you feel about future relationships. You may need to take time to process any "baggage" to the point you have a realistic perspective of what will happen in a future relationship.

Also, do people around you express an expectation that you "should" be in a relationship? Frankly, these people need to stop that. Any relationship between you and someone else is your business, not anyone else's. You need to proceed at your own pace and take your own time to process and work things out.

Making relationships work takes effort and skill, for all of us. Fortunately much of this involves the same skills for socialising and communication. Unfortunately, we are at a disadvantage with picking a compatible prospective partner.

You're very wise Ahaseurus2000.

Thank you.

I'd love to have more opportunity to put this kind of wisdom into practice, as do we all!

I don't think you gave your age, but I'm assuming you're somewhere around my age ... is that right? I understand exactly what you're saying. People assume that all women want to be with a man, and if we're not, we must have some defect that drives men away. This is especially true if a woman is considered attractive, since many people assume that attractiveness is the only thing that men want or consider in a woman.

It's even worse if you choose not to date much ... or not to date at all. Then they assume you're lesbian.

Although I think they mean well, it's definitely annoying when people make insensitive remarks like "why don't you have a boyfriend?" I don't want to respond in a rude way, but sometimes it's hard not to.

As far as re-experiencing the emotional pain you've experienced in the past, I think the solution to that is to really think hard about what mistakes you made in the past, and try equally hard not to repeat them. Or maybe you just have a bad track record in choosing men, in which case you need to re-train yourself in what qualities to look for. The point is to do something different, so that you don't simply make the same mistakes over and over.

The best of luck to you

In answer to your reply CaroleTucson, I'm 48 years old and I do have an idea of how to try to avoid mistakes I have made in the past. But we're all human, we all make mistakes. We're all going to get hurt and hurt others no matter how hard we try to avoid it, it's going to happen, it's life. I wouldn't say my first husband was or is a bad man just because we aren't compatable to be married to each other. He's a great man and he's the father of my children and I don't regret that for one minute. My second husband died of leukemia in 1997. I made no mistake when I fell in love with him and married him. He was a wonderful man.

Of course I don't want to be hurt, but the fear of being hurt emotionally isn't stopping me from having a relationship.

I don't believe, people assuming I'm a Lesbian because I don't date as being worse. I know many women who happen to be Lesbians and they are great people. Maybe someday a Lesbian will save your life and you will understand that they are truly great human beings and not so unlike other truly great human beings.

I created this thread because I was questioning if something was wrong with me for not wanting to be in a relationship. I was really happy to receive the replies that I did and I really appreciate those who replied because it helped me a great deal. I was being pressured to be in a relationship. Maybe someday I will have the opportunity to meet the right person for me. But for now, there is no one which I have come into physical contact with, whom I'm even attracted too and I'm happy.

Oh my goodness ... I'm very sorry if I misinterpreted the intent of your post. Please just disregard mine.

And I certainly didn't mean to speak ill of gay women. What I meant was that I resent people making any sort of assumptions about me based on how much I do or do not date.

I understand, we're all human.

Thank you all so much for this thread. My gosh. . . once again. . . I'm not the only one! I have been alone about 10 years, after an 18-yr marriage that was pretty awful. It frightens me to death that I don't have kids, and my parents are elderly. I'll be alone some day with no assistance. But as far as living alone, it's the first peace I've ever known.

Sometimes I think about the joy of having a soul-mate, someone to laugh with, someone to experience life with. But that would involve things like physical intimacy that make me extremely uncomfortable. It just doesn't seem worth it to put myself or another person through that.

I think self-acceptance, as some of you have spoken about, has been important for me. Who says we all have to be in a relationship? Popular culture, certainly. I am attracted to an idea in the Middle Ages (that's my obsession, medieval history) that people who chose to be celibate were enlightened, not damaged. I think we need to reconsider that as a culture.

It's tough because my libido is strong at times - even at 50 - but the idea of actually having to look into someone's eyes is just. . . . more than I ever want to have to try again. I just can't. It's just the way I'm wired. Period.

It is a relief to be around those who understand and feel the same.

I agree! Both myself and my partner had pretty much settled down to a lifetime of celibacy, before we met. We had both been single for ten years. It is hard for me to be in a relationship sometimes, as I miss having my former freedom to just eat and sleep whenever, stay on the computer until all hours, etc.

Same here. But I still struggle with wanting my own space back to myself, without having to share it with him. He seems not to mind his lost solitude as much as I do. We have been seriously looking for a place to move into together. And I ask myself, am I mad?


Again, I agree. I wasn't "starving" anymore when I met my current guy. I was pleasantly surprised to meet him.

I am in my mid-50s and I have come to view my preferring to be alone as OK. It is hard to try and explain to someone you have no desire to be in a relationship. Previously, I felt that I needed to be in a relationship to be complete; (some NT influenced thinking). I have several 4 legged roommates that I prefer to people. If people can't accept my lifestyle, that's their problem, not mine

You two are blessed Hartz. If I were to ever have a relationship again, I think it would be best to have it with an Aspergian.

he he... I love my three cats and prefer them to a lot of people, myself.

Definitely!

I've been alone for like, ever. Relationship wise that is. I don't even know what one is like, and likely never will, as I do not understand them at all (observing relationships in others). So I haven't got a clue, myself.

I used to feel that way! I think that I can define my present relationship as the irresistible urge to be in someone else's company most of the time. Also, a physical attraction that is always there, and a true meeting of minds.