Struggling with being a daughter

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It is not unnecessarily cruel and ungrateful. It is a necessity for abusive parents such as mine to get this message perfectly clear. They get what they deserve in the end, and maybe the chilling isolation in thier final years and on thier deathbed may make them realize they were in fact pretty awful people to their kids, and that there is real consequences for it. I will continue advocating the philosophy, this silly obligation that family is any different than any other human being and that they can continue thier abusive behavior just because they are "parents" needs to stop. Maybe then, with my advocacy it may make potentially abusive parents think twice before abusing thier kids and continuing the abuse into adulthood. Sorry this is not unnecessarily cruel and ungrateful, to me it is absolutely necessary and I will continue advocating it. I want to make this point abundantly clear to the parents on this board. You are being judged so don't be abusive. Maybe you have the privelege of not having an abusive family, and will never get it. Just because they are blood does not give them a pass for abusive behavior, eventually that behavior will catch up to you and they will turn on you. There is no obligation to keep contact with abusers, no matter thier age. Standing up to your abuser is pretty damn powerful when you do it, and putting up with thier continued behavior just causes more harm in the end. Yeah its tougher when they are a parent, but just as critical, if not more critical to do it in the end. I am not one to believe in forgiveness without redemption. They have to redeem themselves first, which means ceasing all abusive behavior to begin to start. But the truth is alot of these abusive parents such as hers are beyond redemption and will continue thier behavior.

Cutting off ties from a serial abuser, whether it be a parent, or anybody else, allows you time heal and move on with your life. To me a parent maybe especially bad. The whole ungrateful for the time and effort is BS by people who think its worthwhile to continue associating with an abuser. Its NOT. They just continue thier harmful behavior because they think it's right. Like I said, I call BS on you. Just because somebody is parent does not give them any excuse to be abusive, whether the person be adults or children. That dialog needs to change and it needs to change now. You either put up with it and continue to suffer, or you draw that line for them to stop and move on if they don't. The whole idea that this is ungrateful and unnecessarily cruel needs to end. It is absolutely necessary, and compared to the years of abuse that were endured, it is not even remotely comparable to the harm they did.

Sorry, I don't have any sympathy for serial abusers whether they be psychological or physical, which this mother clearly is in the former category. They don't deserve it. Age is no excuse and neither is the BS about being ungrateful. Thats not cruel, that is not ungrateful, that is is just how these people should be treated. Walking away and cutting off contact from the person allows you to move on with your life and start to heal.

To me everything she has written has made it absolutely clear her mother has been abusive and manipulative throughout her life, she needs to draw the line and potentially cut ties. It is the only message people like her really learn from. Putting up with her will just result in potentially years more of this abusive behavior. She needs to realize she is in control of when that can end.

*hugs* that whole story's so sad . Hope you have friends and family yourself who do love you for who you are! (if not, you've still got us lot )

Thanks Lene. I have a wonderful husband & dog who give me lots of unconditional love. It's a good thing.

starygrrl wrote:

"To me everything she has written has made it absolutely clear her mother has been abusive and manipulative throughout her life, she needs to draw the line and potentially cut ties. It is the only message people like her really learn from. Putting up with her will just result in potentially years more of this abusive behavior. She needs to realize she is in control of when that can end."


If only it were that simple, Starygrrl. My mother had told everyone she could that I was a habitual liar, & that she was a really great mom to me. She even told my husband that. The truth has a way of coming out. While I do not condemn anyone for walking away...I knew I could not do that to my mom as much as that would have been an easy way out. She was 90 when she passed. I couldn't change her or even get her to hear my side without her feeling like she was under attack. But I know the truth about her, know what I had personally experienced...some of my memories haunt me on a regular basis. I do have peace of mind & no more guilt with her because I didn't run away. But I have a long way to go before I have truly healed as she filled my head with the knowledge that she hated me. I still think of myself as a mistake, which just doesn't get turned off no matter how long ago she said those hurtful things.

Yes she was one of those people who was never ever wrong, not even a little bit. Like I said, I am not condemning you for walking away, I knew doing that would cause me more stress & more guilt. So as hard as it was, I stuck it out. Sometimes, people never learn the lesson you are trying your hardest to teach. It's quite likely that your mom will continue to say horrible things about you even in your absence. I know mine did when I wasn't in her presence. Now that she's gone, I don't have to worry about her saying ill about me anymore. I also don't have to worry about trying to have a decent relationship with her. Her last words to me were that she loved me. Maybe she did in her own twisted way, but it wasn't the kind of love that I needed either as a child or an adult. As the old saying goes...actions speak louder than words. I have lots of action packed memories of her on the rampage & knowing that I did nothing but aggravate her because I wasn't the little girl that she desired, & I was continually punished because of it.

Good luck!

Love without acceptance is not love at all. For those parents who do not display such love, they deserve no love in return.

Ach, I'm a dope- I was admiring your avatar and it didn't click at all that it might really be your dog (I'm too used to nicking them off google images )

Yes, that's my dog. He's awesome! Got him as a rescue. You'd never know that he had a rough past, he's made a complete turn around from being fearful & submissive. I've had dogs before....but none who'd been damaged by men & boys (he wasn't afraid of me or other women or girls) like he had. Took some work & lots of love to gain his love & trust, but he is definitely worth it. Even the rescue people are impressed.

I've never really liked using others' pictures. And one of my special interests is photography, so it serves me well.

Oh & I was a rescue too. My hubby got me out of a really bad place where I was completely dejected & desponant & had pretty much given up on the human race.

Maybe they don't deserve love. But I pity them. They are much poorer for not giving or receiving something so necessary for a rich life. Love cannot be bought or sold.

I have to say, I agree with this statement 100%.



Me neither. I don't see the value in putting yourself through misery/pain/abuse/embarrassment/other torture just to be able to say you stuck it out till the end. I don't personally understand remaining in an abusive (or even generally unhealthy) relationship when there is another option.

If this were a boyfriend/husband, instead of parents, no one would be giving the advice to stay/stick it out/try to see the other party's side. No one would be calling you ungrateful or insisting you'll have guilt for walking away from the relationship. This blows my mind.

To momsparky, I think you have to do what you think is right, and I think if walking away for good makes the most sense to you, then do it. I did, three years ago, and not a single day do I regret it. I have zero guilt. I am a better person for having done it. I accept that it goes against society's rules, and realize that very few people even have a hint of the things that went on that drove me to my decision. Just like we only have a hint of all that you have endured.

Not everyone receives advice to walk away from an abusive boyfriend or husband. My own mother told me to stick it out with my ex-husband, even though he raped me on numerous occasions, & was verbally & financially abusive up til the bitter end. By the way I find this whole situation to be ironic, since my mother also received no support from her own family when she too chose to walk away from an abusive 1st husband. Walking away was how she met my dad. Also both of my parents actually sided with my ex, & gave him not only their support but blessings too. A friend of my parents was appalled that they chose to side with my ex, & only then, did they turn toward me. However, they still thought of me as always a problem & an intruder in their lives. My mother was convinced that if there was any trouble or abuse, I was the sole cause of it.

It was much the same for me growing up People who accused me of doing something wrong was met by intense accusations & abuse by my parents backing up the original accusers. To the point where my dad threatened to kill me in front of the neighbors because a couple of the kids said I stole their candy (I didn't, but no one listened to me). By this point, I was literally begging for my life...humiliating! However, when the neighbor kids changed their story, there were no apologies to me either. Either way, the other kids won, & I lost (their parents still loved them unconditionally, while mine loathed me even more). Just another huge chip off my self-esteem that was already damaged by that point.

Again, while I don't condemn anyone for walking away from any abusive relationship (have had to do that myself), I felt it wrong to walk away from my parents. They will never ever be what I needed, & I cannot fix the past, nor can I change my dad today. But had I walked away from my parents, I would have been more riddled by guilt...something I don't need more of. Not sure where all my guilt has come from over the years, but it has made me endure a lot because of it. Mom is gone now, but at least I have no more guilt!

Tomboy, if I had known you then, I would have told you to walk away from the abusive ex, and I would have helped you pack, and I would have stood up for you. I'm sorry your parents did not. Whether you come from a place of guilt, immense forgiveness, or both, it's clear your intentions are good. You deserved better.