For those diagnosed as adults, what did you parents think?

Post Reply New Topic

been thinking about this topic since i saw it posted here, so when i called my mom to wish her a happy birthday yesterday, i casually asked her if she had ever thought that maybe my dad has asperger's.

her reply was pretty quick and nonchalant: "yes, i think he does have a mild form."

then i asked her if she ever thought i did growing up. she said no. hmmm. . .

My family doesn't know, and since I'm self-diagnosed they probably wouldn't believe me, anyway.
Even if they did believe me, they wouldn't know what Asperger's is, or bother to learn.
In my family, you're either dying or you're fine. There's not much middle ground, especially when it comes to conditions that don't cause bleeding or bruising.

I think my mum has been quite welcoming of it although she still clings on to this idea that she is somehow to blame for me turning out as I have. What I don't understand though is that she gets pretty hostile whenever I broach the subject of my dad having it also.

I was actually surprised how well my dad took and accepted it. I mean he has never had a problem with assuming I had some kinda neurological disorder mind you, he just always believed that the diagnosis I got as a kid (add) was right and explained everything. I made my case on the fundamental differences (that are usually ignored in the diagnostic process, if you have normal language skills) and tied in a number of his own traits (mind you with an overt tone of forgiveness, suddenly being possible since he probably didn't relize how hurtful some of the things he would say can be)
mind you he had a cousin who had autism, and my brothers first daughter has autism, (and he , my dad, has a phd in a physical science, so data is persuasive)

my parents were relieved, glad to know. My mum whilst she makes it pretty clear often that she would rather I was "perfect" she has never not accepted my diagnosis or said there was nothing wrong with me because as a kid even then she knew I was different.

I was diagnosed 2 months ago. I haven't told my folks. I don't know how. They don't really know anything about AS, and probably have the same impressions of it as the general public - that it's a kids' thing.

I have no idea how to go about educating them, and no idea if they would accept me with it or not. They think I'm just lazy and unwilling to operate in the 'real world'.

How have others dealt with something like this?

I have been browsing this forum and did not realize that it is possible to be diagnosed as an adult. I have had problems my entire life and my family members just call me "antisocial" or "strange" or "obsessive" or tell me I have "sensory problems". I can say I have wondered why I am this way for years and I even mentioned my problems to my mother and asked her if she thought I had my difficulties because I may actually have something wrong and she said I would have been diagnosed years ago and that I am just "quirky". I feel isolated and consumed by my obsessions and fears. I will not pursue a diagnosis since I do not think a diagnosis will change anything for me, but it is nice to know I am not crazy.

kittendumpling, I love your avatar!! !

medhp, you can be diagnosed as an adult. A lot of us were missed when we were kids....Asperger's wasn't even in the DSM until 1993 and by that time many of us were already old enough to be considered simply emotionally disturbed. Being diagnosed as an adult managed to calm about half of my anxiety issues....knowing you're not crazy is exactly right.

As for telling my parents, who knows. They don't even believe I have food allergies, despite several doctors suspecting as much and the actual blood test to prove it. They live in denial land and seem quite happy there.

You're not crazy at all, it sounds like you display several key traits, and if I were in your place, I'd go ahead and seek a diagnosis. It's harder to get a diagnosis as an adult, because as you grow up, you tend to acquire self-taught coping mechanisms that disguise your traits as a survival tool. This makes it harder to separate the coping behaviour from the organic behaviour they suppress.

It can be done though. I'm 26 and have been waiting 2 years for a diagnosis, but finally got it. My parents said the exact same things to me that yours did, that I was just 'weird' and 'introverted', etc. I totally understand how frustrating it can be when you know something is up, but the people who should be supportive dismiss it.

They are wrong to say it would have been picked up on sooner, and paradoxically, they seem to have picked up on the traits themselves, but just not linked them to an actual condition. Bear in mind that AS has not been properly in the public eye for very long. I know when I was growing up, even things like ADHD & Dyslexia were rarely heard of, and not taken seriously. AS suffers from this same problem, not enough people know about it and/or take it seriously. It seems to me that this is the case with your parents.

What I did was go to my gp, state that I felt I displayed enough AS traits that I wanted to be assessed. I stressed that having these problems and not being able to understand them was contributing to my feelings of depression, isolation and anxiety. She referred me to a psychiatrist, who listened to me detail the issues I had in social situations, with particular attention to my early life experiences. She then referred me to a clinical psychologist for assessment, which took a similar form. The psychologist confirmed the psychiatrist's hypothesis that I did have AS, and formally diagnosed me. The whole process took about 2 years, but it was such a relief afterwards to have a name for this bundle of difficulties, and several medical professionals who would back me up if anyone tried to dismiss it. It was a very liberating and empowering experience for me, and even if my folks eventually don't accept it, well at least I feel better and more stable in myself for knowing who I am.

All the best.

Thanks!

I had a similar experience. I didn't even hear about AS until I was in college, aged about 21. By then, doctors had given up on helping me, just kept trying to put me on SSRIs, never thinking to look for the root of the problems. Getting diagnosed has seriously cut my depression down, and my free-floating anxiety is less frequent and less intense. I also feel like I understand myself better, and it helps me to explain myself to other people who want to understand me.

My folks may very well go into denial land. They're a bit conservative, and may think I'm trying to have an excuse to be lazy and dysfunctional. I'm currently working on composing a bit of reading matter for them, and a printed out list of what I want to tell them about my AS, with examples to help them link the condition to behaviours they have seen, in the hope that it'll help them accept this as a real thing. It's always harder to argue with a formal medical diagnosis.

So I'm 31, I got diagnosed at age 30. If it hadn't been for my wife (then fiance) I never would have even considered that I had Aspergers, I had been told from age 5 or 6 by practically everybody (especially both my parents) that I was either "Lazy", "Willfully making the wrong choices" or that "How could I be so smart but just not grasp simple concepts". Don't know if its a common experience but my parents had me tested for ADHD, Depression, Cerebal Palsy, took me to bunches of therapists and psycologists to figure me out / have me act the way they wanted me to act. A lot of this I'm learning now (mostly the medical tests) because I don't remember them and don't remember my parents explaining them to me either. When I told my parents I'm not sure they got it -- its been a year now and I'm still unsure. They've had this view of me for 25+ years that I was this willfully I guess "bad" child that they seem to have a hard time rethinking that all of my behavoir was caused by my Aspergers. In hindsight all the signs were there (ie, I didn't speak till I was 3 years old and then I started speaking in full complex sentences, poor motor skills, rote behaviors). I can't say I have a good relationship with either of my parents. It still feels that they interact with my as I'm some kind of "broken" person and that they don't seem interested in what I have to say or for that matter what I'm interested in. My mother especially is terrified that I tell people that I have Aspergers or that I'm on the Autistic spectrum. I think most of her fear is that it will somehow reflect on her and that people will treat / interact with her and I guess me differently. Both of my parents are very much the "don't make waves" types, conformity is desired, being different is not to be embraced. I for one am happy that I have Aspergers.

Thank you for all the replies! On one hand, I'm glad I'm not alone. On the other hand, it's so frustrating to hear that so many parents refuse to accept and understand us, even with official diagnosis. How can we possibly hope that other people would be understanding, when our parents wouldn't even bother?

Curiously when I mentioned that my brother might have AS, my parents are interested and think it'd be good for him to seek a diagnosis. After all he's crazy, on anti-psychotic med and can't find work. They don't believe I can have it because I'm "so much smarter". But that's not exactly true. My brother and I both have BSc and we graduated in the same year, and his GPA was similar to mine. I'm on the same med my brother's taking, have not worked for many years and is often depressed and anxious. Neither of us have made any friends after school. If it's not I married a good husband I might be living in poverty just like he is. I'm not sure if it's because of our gender, or because they think "you have money, you don't need any help."

Being diagnosed with AS was bittersweet for my parents. On one hand they were sad that I would never be able to live my life like a "normal" person, but on the other hand they were very relieved that we finally had an answer as to why I felt, thought and behaved the way I did. Before my diagnosis, my parents used to get upset with me because they couldn't understand me and I'd get into arguments with them, but I haven't been in an argument with either of them since I was diagnosed at age 16.

I'm not diagnosed yet, but me and my mother have discussed it in detail, and she's just been happy to find some answers to her long-asked questions about things.

I am not officially diagnosed but my son is and the writing on the wall is in clear focus. Anyways, my Mom passed away when I was 16 so I can't share with her but my Dad kind of thinks it's in my head because he doesn't have it. Um, OK. My sister who is 7 years older has read up on it and accepts it, which means more to me than my father because she knew me growing up.
My husband who is probably the only person I care about what he thinks (besides my kids), has accepted it and how it explains so much about our "weird" behavior. I am sure he is not thrilled, but accepting nonetheless.