Those in long-term relationships... How does it work?

Post Reply New Topic

I've been with my wife for 7 years as well, we were married in Jan 2010 strictly for legal reasons. She was my boss at Blockbuster, and we were both in completely unhealthy relationships. There was that spark, and we both left our partners and moved out of state together. This was long before I knew what was 'wrong' with me, though I always knew I couldn't be like other people... perhaps that is one of the things she likes about me.

The problems crept up, as they always do. I have a completely different sleep schedule than she does, and find it very hard to go to sleep before 1 AM at the earliest. For whatever reason, this caused problems (and still does - we had a fight about it again just the other night) because she feels that I need to go to bed with her, though we aren't going to bed to have sex, only for her to sleep and me to stare at the wall or watch television (an activity that I despise other than a few select shows). I find this highly irritating and do it as little as possible, and never understand why it is such a point of contention. I kiss her goodnight and she falls asleep within minutes. If I lie down with her until she is asleep, I inevitably wake her up as I leave the bed to return to my nightly activities (generally consisting of various computer games, or sometimes a good book) as she is an extremely light sleeper. Problem #1.

The next, and perhaps biggest problem, is that I am a completely obsessive person. Whether due to my ASD or not, I've always been this way. I can't concentrate on more than one thing at a time, and when I relax I usually do something solitary (like aforementioned computer games) and 'shut out the world' according to her. I recognize this, but I don't know what to do to fix it. She spends just as much (more) time on her computer and/or television daily as I do, especially as she has been unemployed for over two years and only has a small side job to take care of other than worrying about children's needs, while I work 8-12 hrs daily. I find this highly hypocritical when arguments start over it, and they do, often. I understand that she needs to feel like I am participating in the daily activities, and I really do try to, but when I focus on something I lose track of other things rapidly.

There are other issues that creep up due to my ASD - I have zero emotions, serious speech and hearing impediments, and short-term memory problems. These all lead to one fight or another. The best thing I/we ever found out was that I had ASD - I feel like she has actively backed off her hostile position on many things since this recent discovery. In the past it has led to problems escalating to points of her cheating on me multiple times and almost leaving me for another man, but I think this was due to lack of understanding about how I work. Now that we are both better informed I think it has really helped. She knows that I want to help out, and instead of just assuming that I am going to get up and do it, she asks me about it.

What I would suggest to you, OP, is to speak with her about your condition in detail, and go over all of your symptoms with her, and possibly a mental health professional at the same time. Even if you've laid out for her exactly what you have and what it does to you in the past, she may not have realized the scope of what you are going through. Ignoring issues and putting them off for later leads to exactly the situation you are currently in. Talk about the problems, see a psychologist (invite her with you), and get some help. Maybe you can salvage what is left.

I've been married for almost a year now, I have AS, she's NT. We lived together for 3 years prior to getting married and dated a year before that. My wife is actually the person who prompted me to seek a diagnosis, she's a professional dog trainer and animal behaviorist, really good at observation and she picked up on traits I had. She told me that bringing up "might you have Autism / Aspergers" was the hardest and scariest conversation she had ever had. I was fine with it b/c I was looking for any kind of diagnosis / solution to why I had trouble in social situations, repetitive behavior etc. We do have problems - she's had to change a lot of interactions with me b/c she understands that my brain doesn't process things like a NT person would. The meds I take for social anxiety also mess with my sex drive so that isn't that fun either.
I work every day to try to be more "tuned in" with her. Its hard because sometimes I just want to stim out on a project or a computer game. We are better at communicating with each other. It took me a year or more to realize that it was ok to disagree with her and that it didn't mean something bad or that she didn't like me.

Myself & wife are ADHD.

I have a strong sense of a "failure" with NT relationships in regard to my ability to sustain it, though there are some here who have AS with an NT partner.... it can work.

I didn't one on one date till mid 30's. Nobody wanted to get close enough. A lot of factors here, and just intelligence can be divisive enough in this... there is more to this, though.

Foibles:
I get 'locked down' into obsessive interests and hence "miss" noticing things that need to be noticed. And she has worse executive functioning than myself.

Fundamentally, it comes down to mutual understanding and acceptance. Simply, if one is unwilling to work at this , then it is probably doomed.

We've been married 17 years as well. It started with a mutual aspie obsession and hasn't changed. We seem to think the other is amazing and incredible which makes us very smug and annoying and not very open to friendships outside our marriage. I don't know if I recommend it, but our marriage is amazing.

I find it extremely hard to maintain a relationship's intimacy (affection not sexual) after a couple of years - I start to require more and more time alone. I find it almost impossible to communicate in a relationship at all I tend to withdraw often.

I've been married for 10 years, and have two kids (ages 3 and 18 mos). My 3 yr old was diagnosed with autism, which made me start thinking....and now I have learned that I also have autism and my husband has Asperger's. Our 18 mo old most likely has Asperger's too. For us, we made a committment to change TOGETHER. Change is inevitable, and we're both pretty low maintenance people, but every time we have a rift we always go back and reaffirm that we love each other, we make each other better, and we don't want to hurt each other.

I had to stop having meltdowns when I had kids. Can't go around slamming doors and screaming to break the windows unless you want to have CPS show up at your door! I also realized that I am now a role model 24/7 not just for my kids but also to help my husband be a better dad when he's at a loss. We don't talk to each other unless we need to. No emails, calls, texts during the day. That s__t just wears us out. Sometimes we don't talk at night either, just depends on the day. It's great to have that comfort level with someone.

Part of being in a long term relationship (especially with kids) is that every day you face a choice of how much you are willing to put your own desires and needs aside for the good of your family unit. There are times when I just need an f-ing break, don't get me wrong, but when the crap hits the fan, we go back to basics and regroup as a family unit. Then I take a personal break after the waters have calmed. good luck

Thirteen years with a very cool NT guy, married for ten-going-on-eleven.

There have been bad times. In the beginning I needed a lot of alone time and he was not secure enough to let me have it. We were very young-- he was 18, I was 21. I wouldn't recommend starting out that young to anyone. He did not trust me and I could not understand why as I had done nothing to betray him. I did not have the emotional intelligence to understand where he was coming from.

Sex has caused a lot of trouble too. My contact aversion and low libido have been very hard on his self-esteem.

We fought a lot for the first seven years. The next four were relatively peaceful, mostly because we had a huge blowup that involved him becoming emotionally abusive due to all his pent-up frustrations with being stuck with an Aspie. I got very scared and started repressing myself as utterly and completely as I could manage.

Then I got very, very depressed and told him I was thinking about leaving. He did not want that and turns out did not want things to be the way they had been for the last four years. He said he'd rather fight than have me kiss ass.

So now it's like we're starting over. It's not easy. I love him like fire, but if we didn't have three kids I think I'd have called it quits a long time ago. Relationships are hard. From what I hear, they are hard for anyone, and harder for Aspies. Takes a lot of work. A lot of tolerance for uncertainty. A lot of talking and understanding. It's hard because we are both very easy to intimidate, and when one of us gets scared everything goes to Hell in a handbag.

But-- it's not like loneliness doesn't suck too. Nothing is easy. I guess that's the key-- you have to like each other enough to make it worth fighting, worth compromise, worth all the bad times. Because there are going to be bad times no matter how compatible you are. Bad times are part of being human.

I have been with my NT husband for four years. He isn't quite NT because he has brain damage and three different learning disabilities and seizures he takes medicine for so he doesn't have them.

He is very flexible so he accepts me the way I am and doesn't mind me. I don't have to worry about that stupid relationship crap that has to be done to "make it work" and to "make it better."
He understands me 90% of the time and we have a ten month old. I spend most of my time alone with my boy and doing computer. I honestly think I am not the sort of person for relationships because they are too hard and a chore and it's too much for me. The reason why I wanted a relationship is because I wanted to have kids and I don't want to be a single parent so I have to have a partner. But I love my husband and I like watching him and my boy together when he plays with him.

We haven't fought much but we have gone through periods where he was starting to snap at me and when we were fighting more often. I was worried that maybe he was getting tired of me and him putting up with me was getting tiring and old so he was quitting and starting to lose his cool. But I was hoping it be temporary and it was. I was just pregnant then. Then he decided to start handling the finances because he was tiring of my money obsession and me chewing him out over spending a dollar or more and me bickering to him about it for an hour. He rarely gets mad at me.