Closer to death? 45+ Growing old/identity crisis?

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I feel like this at 33. No idea who I'm meant to be. I was always the smartest and strongest but my body is changing rapidly. Very confusing. They tell you that you need fewer calories but don't say it's because you're suddenly old. I used to walk the streets at night knowing the city was mine. Nobody else did that. Now it feels cold outside. I'm merging into the universe. Entropy.

I guess ageing is different for autistics. It's like when I'm drunk I can still write perfectly lucidly because my conciousness is on the observer deck. So I guess people will see me as increasingly different from how I see myself. Fun!

I hear your confusion, ouinon. To me, the quoted bit signals what must be confronted head-on. Something is telling me it's a head space thing, not anticipation of future body condition, that is really troubling you. I don't mean to discount what you say by making that comment, and I accept I could be wrong. I have been moved by a few things I have read from you and wish we could have a conversation about all sorts of stuff. Not that I have always been the most positive person on earth - far from it; I have been just the opposite, on and off - but something has thrown a switch for me, that has catapulted me out of [?depression/pessimism/myopia?], and I wish the same for you.

I think both on its face and symbolically your preoccupation is misleading you. Firstly, it is simply a misapprehension that physical health can travel in one direction only: downwards. Many people actually improve their physical health in all sorts of ways as they grow older. It is the frame of mind that determines just about everything you can do. It's not a downward spiral phase if you find a way of doing a mindward spiral upwards approach. That just feels true to me. Although I struggle with lots of things, I don't feel worse as I age; I feel better, more capable, somehow. My life has just kicked itself into overdrive since the meaning of my aspieness has sunk home. There is a whole lot I don't need to fight any more. Perhaps an unexpected positive is the fact of having had some unhealthy past habits that makes it easy to feel able to make active positive improvements to my physical wellbeing. But I never get far from a convinction that so much of this has to do with a great (or otherwise) head space. My fog has cleared. I know what I need to do (even if I don't quite know how to make it happen; but that's half the fun). I suppose I feel utterly confident in my ability to find a way.

I am making new friends. I am contributing in ways that feel right to a community (a new one to me). I am refocusing on music and defocusing on perfectionism, and becoming a better (less sexy? not sure ) musician because of it. I have goals that I haven't realised yet (a very important condition to be in, in my view). I have a grand dream to travel (unlike you, I didn't have adventures in my youth; I was too busy trying to make sense of things, being fearful, and trying to find a sense of belonging) - and yes, that has a big label on it saying 'before it's too late'. That use-by label helps here, actually; imparts a sense of urgency and priority. Money has always been and continues to be a problem. But I have ways of getting by, and have unshakable belief that I can earn what I need for what I want to do when the time comes. I never did pay enough attention to money but with hindsight don't think I could have done, anyway, without taking on too much damage. Therefore, I expect to have to earn my living until I drop off the perch. I accept this now, although it is not a prospect that delights me. So I consider and gradually increase ways in which I can do that on my terms, at times of my choosing. It is coming together.

I have met too many people over the years who exude an inner glow - people who are not passive or angry, but who inspire and attract others - who are in their 50s and beyond, to really feel any fear about this aging thing, as long as life doesn't simply grind to a halt (which doesn't happen in the life I live). Maybe it's something to do with the vibrancy of Australian culture and plentiful sunshine; it would be different, I think, if I lived in a hidebound, conservative community that is often dark. While I do live in a conservative small country town, I invest a great deal of effort in maintaining radical, inspiring friendships here, in the city and online. I invite change into my life and go out and meet it halfway. At the moment I am very immersed in this aspie-awareness challenge (it has come late, to me) and spending a great deal of time online. I am finding my writing mojo bigger than ever before (although I wish I could be more succinct; it will come) and wondering if that will lead me down new paths. I am preparing for my child's 21st celebration in a few days' time. After that, I feel my primary duties as a parent are over and I can start my own adventure with a vengeance. I feel better-equipped now than I have ever felt in my life to get things happening the way I choose for them to go for me. More resilient (more bendable = less breakable). I don't have anything wrong with me yet (as far as I'm aware) that isn't reversible, though some things just won't wait any longer for attention. All of these matters create a grateful sense of flux, items to be getting on with ... to keep me busy, and give me senses of accomplishment.

To me, it would be sensing that all will remain the same from now on that would destroy me. But I just don't see it happening while I have my health, intelligence, resourcefulness, art, communication, community, projects, things to look forward to, ability to learn new things. The communities to which I have naturally belonged in my half-a-lifetime do not have use-by dates on them; I have never been slightly interested in wealth and materialism as long as I can secure the basic comforts and have freedom of mental movement. The loose communities to which I feel connected cover music/performing arts, permaculture, feminism and, to a diminishing active degree but very entrenched, anarchist politics. None of these groups or mindsets give a damn how old people are; it's ideas and participation that inspire. There is too much to fascinate, like the present urgent project to save our planet; Peak Oil has been and gone and we need to invent new ways to live in the energy decline to come without losing the benefits of our wonderful technology. At any age, one can build an organic garden, experience the joy of eating a home-grown heritage tomato, share knowledge (in both directions).

I just can't objectively see reason for despair or even for anticipation of decline, ouinon, there is so much to inspire and motivate articulate thinkers like yourself. I can only think this must be a passing phase for you, the 'gathering gloom' that precedes the sunburst. I sincerely hope so. Life just keeps on getting better as we get better at it, and I don't see an end to that while I have the gifts of good health with which to enjoy life and engage in it. (Some people even manage to surmount ill health and quite crippling setbacks; at the moment that is far beyond what I can imagine. I guess we all have our 'failure' point, but I don't obsess about this while it feels far away.)

The single, solitary thing that would make all this grind to a halt for me is sheer, crippling loneliness. It has happened before. I pray it will not happen again. I Simply Cannot Survive On My Own. That's all. I would love to repartner, but it's not essential as long as I have community in other ways, and I do, and it is growing rather than shrinking, more truthful/honest/real than ever before because of what I now know and seek/attract that I didn't before.

Such a rant. I must be procrastinating about something. [I am. See you later.] Love and best wishes. PM if you like.

I agree a lot with this part. I feel like I transitioned correctly into my twenties, but have stagnated since.

There is a thing about fear of time, which our culture propagates. You should pick the ways you want to grow and till the soil, plant the seeds, apply water and fertilizer. Aging isn't a curse unless you lay on dread, which isn't necessary. I'm 59, and I agree with the other posters who said aging is in more ways liberating than not.

I'm going to be 55 this year and I have made no preparations for my golden years. I have never been able to get a real job or have a long term relationship. I'm 55 going on 19 when it comes to life accomplishments. Still I agree that getting older is liberating, if only for the reason that people have long since given up on you and leave you alone about your inadequacies.

I know how you feel, I am also a 48 year old woman; I think I have come somewhat to terms with my physical limitations; but I am still dealing with the other limitations since recently coming to terms with my Aspergers. I've always pushed myself beyond my limits in my life, and have suffered the consequences. It is so hard to accept my limitations dealing with stress; realizing that I cannot work full time even despite needing that kind of structure in my life. I watch how my father has dealt with life with Aspergers and he has basically withdrawn from the world. I try to deal with my son and his Aspergers and it's causing me a lot of anxiety. On top of that, coming to terms with my Aspergers, while it has been liberating in some respects, it's also a hard pill to swallow.