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Simply said: I want to stop conforming to the NT culture

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keerawa
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21 Jul 2012, 8:12 pm

I respect your choice, but I think it might be hard.

For me, finding a balance in my life has been important. But, yes, the first thing I had to do was let go of the idea that I had to fake it ALL the time, that I had to spend my entire life playing NT.

Little things that made a huge difference: accepting that it's OK to be an introvert, and to say, 'No' when co-workers invite me to activities outside of work. Setting up my work environment to avoid sensory problems, instead of feeling like I had to just make it through the day with them. Being able to just sometimes tell my NT partner I'm taking the night off, and that I'm not going to be interacting with him at all.

Onec I made those changes, I was able to be better at my job's required social interactions. My partner and I have worked out some routines and codes so that when he NEEDS something from me, he's really clear about that, and that I'm doing the same with him.

On the other hand, maybe you'll be able to work from home with a friendly cat, and enjoy your Fortress of Aspie Solitude!



qo0op
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24 Jul 2012, 2:33 pm

outofplace wrote:
It's a difficult question, to be sure. I see myself as being my own person, someone that no one forces to be something I am not. I tried that game and all it got me was frustration and annoyance. However, I did learn some things about social interaction during that time and many of those lessons have stayed with me as a part of my personality. As far as it goes though, I now refuse to go to parties or throw them, dress to conform to society's expectations (but I usually try to at least look clean enough to not be mistaken for a homeless person!), or engage in useless drivel like watching sporting events (for the most part). To me, this is not an aspergers thing as I made these decisions long before I ever even heard of the disorder. No, this is about being true to myself and not forcing myself to be unhappy just to make others like me. I am not uncivil, and I have learned how not to insult people unknowingly most of the time. However, I will still say what needs to be said without lying 90% of the time as to me it is better to be truthful and honest than deal with the consequences of trying to cover for a lie. The only difference is that now I know how to use tact when saying it. It doesn't mean people aren't hurt at times, but at least they are forced to confront the truth of their actions. The people who know me, know I am like this but choose to be around me anyways. That's the nature of true friendship though. It's not based only on feelings but rather on choosing to care for someone and them knowing you have their best interest at heart and responding in a reciprocal manner.

As far as it goes though, I don't tell everyone the truth about what is on my mind unless they ask for it. I find that I don't need to lie to them, just not volunteer what is on my mind when all they want is someone to listen. You may be terrible at lying, but you can learn discretion as to when you will speak. As such, I now get along with most people in my life and no longer have any enemies. I may not be on everyone's social calendar, but I am someone people want to talk to because I won't BS them and I genuinely do care about their problems should they choose to tell me about them. I have also learned that sometimes the best thing you can do is listen. Plus, I have also gained enough humility and self-esteem to know that some times the smartest thing you can say is "I don't know." After all, I now know I am not always right, even if it seems like I think I am.

Great post, thank you.



HomoEconomicus
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24 Jul 2012, 4:14 pm

Pompei wrote:
I was recently diagnosed and now my life makes sense. I know why I was anxious, why I did not communicate well, why I missed social cues and why I felt like an outsider.

So, enough is enough. I no longer wish to pretend I am an NT. I never knew I was pretending but now that I do know I want it over. I think this means not reacting to NTs the way they expect; it's not my job to make them feel good or to do what they define as correct behavior.

Suggestions please.


I stopped conforming nearly a year ago. I started conforming in high school when I was bullied, before that I never really questioned my own behavior and I felt more happy about my life than I have ever done since. Conforming to the NT culture gave me a few friends (though very little by NT standards) but since I had to constantly question my own actions it gave my very low self-esteem. Since the social improvement was rather small, I decided to stop conforming. NT's often call me strange but I don't really care since a lot of them bore me anyway. My self-esteem has gone up a little (though I still question my abilities a lot) and my marks improved significantly (I'm currently attending university), before I stopped conforming they weren't very good and I was close to dropping out. The biggest disadvantage would be the lack of social contact, I hardly have any friends and get very lonely during the holidays. I find myself wishing that I didn't long for social contact but I do. I still hope that some time in the future I'll find people who are more like me, I'm currently also looking into joining a support group to find others like me.

I know I'm quite a bit younger than you, but I hope this might have been helpful to you in some way.



phyrehawke
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26 Jul 2012, 11:52 pm

If I'd known 15 or 20 years ago what I know now, I think I would've paced myself a lot more, and I might have been a lot more successful and healthier for it.

Perhaps you should consider your wording. Are you going to stop conforming...or stop over-compensating? Because what you tell people when/if they ask may affect the way they view what you are doing and why. (personal experience) Lots of people stop conforming to society, but we compensate for deficits. There is a difference...ask any artist. ;)

I found when I had to stop over-compensating (not a choice really, it was making me very sick) I was concerned I would lose all of my friends, and maybe my husband. I didn't lose my hubby or any of my real friends and in fact, some were happy about it. As one said, "You are always so guarded...finally we get to know the REAL you".
Be prepared to get to know who your real friends are, who your false friends were, and find out with more confidence who is untrustworthy in your life because it may become a lot more clear with this choice. Some people will stand with you in your choice...and then there is everybody else. It's tough at first but it lowers stress level long term.



GumbyLives
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27 Jul 2012, 12:40 pm

phyrehawke wrote:
Perhaps you should consider your wording. Are you going to stop conforming...or stop over-compensating?


This statement really meant something to me. Recently I've begun realizing how much I've forced myself over the years to conform as well as I could to the NT world - but all I've done is bore myself and deny who I am and what makes me happy.

There is a lot of good stuff in the NT world, if you have people you love and enjoy. It is worth it to me to do what I can to be "understandable" to them - but the good people on that list also try to be "understandable" to me, as well.

But there's also needing to have and keep a job. So there's having to conform enough to not be fired or driven out by the jerks who love to hate what isn't like themselves.

Other than that, there doesn't have to be near as much conforming as I've made myself try to do in the last half of my life. But I didn't realize that until now - it took me forever to learn how to fake the little I can fake, and it's taken me as long to figure out that I don't have to fake as much as I have been.

It is stressful, though, having to "fake" not being as interested in certain things I'm interested in, and not letting others see when my sensory stuff is making me crazy, and so on. It's very hard to not just be yourself. It's also a waste of life, to a large degree.


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27 Jul 2012, 6:37 pm

Pompei wrote:
I was recently diagnosed and now my life makes sense. I know why I was anxious, why I did not communicate well, why I missed social cues and why I felt like an outsider.

So, enough is enough. I no longer wish to pretend I am an NT. I never knew I was pretending but now that I do know I want it over. I think this means not reacting to NTs the way they expect; it's not my job to make them feel good or to do what they define as correct behavior.

Suggestions please.


I can only tell you what I am doing about this. I took my kid out of school because school officials and teachers were driving me nuts and not helping him learn. I am moving somewhere that I want to live, rather than where other people think I should, and I am getting rid of the house I own because I don't want it anymore. It may all turn out badly, but at the present time anyway I don't care.
Hope you find a way through.



MEDrake
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09 Aug 2012, 4:14 pm

After spending nearly forty years struggling with being "normal", I gave up.

Not that I changed my mind about trying to be normal, I changed my definition of the word.

To me, "normal" is the average everyday flow of my life. It's not the same as other peoples', but it works for me. I awake and sleep when I want and eat when I want. There is no such thing as 'lunch' or 'dinner' unless I eat with NTs. I was getting physically ill from the stress of work (ironically, it was a great job I loved and only interacted with a few people), so I realized that if I wanted a healthy, happy life, I had to retire from the NT world of "normal" and live in my own.

I am not a hermit and I'm not afraid to interact with NT, but now I can tell my friends I don't feel like hanging out tonight and not feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't have to make up excuses why I can't eat the wonderful meal someone cooked for me because a certain smell turned my stomach just before dinner. I don't feel obligated to stay in a place that is overwhelming with sights and sounds just to stick with my friends. It's okay to be me, no matter how different that may be from 'normal', and true friends stuck with me.

The biggest change I made was to replace the NT version of job, house, kids with my own. I am an artist and writer now, moving to the mountains, with my two cats and my girlfriend. You don't have to live in the world to be a part of it.

Never allow the world to make you feel as if you are the one that needs to conform to it. Conformity is a two-way street. Just ask someone in a wheelchair.



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11 Aug 2012, 11:57 am

The last 2 weeks I've been withdrawing from forcing myself to conform to everything NT. So far there has been fighting, tears, etc when I've bowed out of previous commitments because I've decided not to torture myself, for example, by going to a concert with partner and friends.

I seriously don't care anymore if I conform enough. I would choose to leave my spouse and friends rather than hurt or disrespect who I am anymore. My spouse is learning and accepting. True friends are as well. The rest can go hang, if the price of being "normal" with them is hurting and just trying to tough it out.


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I would rather have my liver pecked out by a giant crow than spend a day at the mall. But I'd pay money to see a giant crow eat a mall.

Your Aspie score: 155 of 200 * Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 49 of 200 * You are very likely an Aspie


GumbyLives
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11 Aug 2012, 11:58 am

The last 2 weeks I've been withdrawing from forcing myself to conform to everything NT. So far there has been fighting, tears, etc when I've bowed out of previous commitments because I've decided not to torture myself, for example, by going to a concert with partner and friends.

I seriously don't care anymore if I conform enough. I would choose to leave my spouse and friends rather than hurt or disrespect who I am anymore. My spouse is learning and accepting. True friends are as well. The rest can go hang, if the price of being "normal" with them is hurting and just trying to tough it out.


_________________
I would rather have my liver pecked out by a giant crow than spend a day at the mall. But I'd pay money to see a giant crow eat a mall.

Your Aspie score: 155 of 200 * Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 49 of 200 * You are very likely an Aspie