Have your traits "backslid" as you've gotten older

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CURRENTLY DROWNING, I'm 22.

The main reason I began to investigate possible reasons for my inner chaos was that at the age of 38 I felt I couldn't cope as well as I used to. It did feel like a burnout - a deep exhaustion and a scary feeling of constant stumbling in situations that I had been able to handle quite well, up until 35 years or so. I was actually worried that I might have some neurological condition affecting my memory, as well as language and social skills.

The neuropsychiatric who diagnosed me half a year ago told that due to my high intelligence I had been able to develop very good coping and masking mechanisms - she said that at the first glance I appear 100% neurotypical, but very soon an experienced eye can confirm that I'm definitely an Aspie. But keeping the mask on has taken its toll.

I don't know what is going to happen. Is this a temporary backslide, or a beginning of an unstoppable descent? Due to the awareness of my autistic traits I may pay my problems more attention than I used to; that, of course, may also enhance the feeling of deteriorating.

I suspect that stress and illness have caused my autistic symptoms to worsen over time.

I've dealt with PTSD from abuse, Lyme disease (which causes all sorts of neurological problems), and finally a devastating divorce. All of these things have been hugely traumatic to me, and caused my ADHD and sensory issues to worsen, and I've become more and more socially isolated, and unable to function.

Finally I am starting to turn that around, and develop a more strategic approach to life, realizing that I'm autistic – instead of having no clue, and diving headfirst into situations that I can't handle.

I definitely backslid into becoming more introverted and less "normal presenting" after meeting my husband. I don't think he's an Aspie though he's an introvert and he's got some behavioral issues in his own right which are both fully aware of. He's atypicalness (and his accepting of my own) has allowed me to really "be" who I am at home without having to feel pressured to be "normal". We joke that "normality" is overrated and has no place in our home.

It can be both good and bad since we tend to enable the weirdness. We know how to present "normally" when we have to, we just prefer not to. Our daughter seems to have inherited some of our quirks. We knew she would; we're both gifted and expected to pass that along. This is where it's both worrisome but morbidly fascinating to me as an involved observer, to wonder where nature and nurture have a hand in our daughter's abilities.

Since I retired about 9 years ago I find my inter-personal skills have slipped far. When I was working and engaged (on the telephone) with people each day I managed to cope quite well with individuals (although not socially otherwise). Now I've become less articulate and avoid multiple person engagements entirely.

So...a lesser amount (or lack of) of social interaction and in a much clumsier way. Soon I'll be 71 and, happy with my life, I find social interaction something I can comfortably do without (if necessary) but a little bit (before it seems to turn sour) is always nice.

It's getting used to separateness and becoming comfortable with yourself that makes life sweet.

denny