How is your marriage going?

Post Reply New Topic

Sorry to hear it !
I totally understand, and symphatize you !
Experts call it "alone together " life. You are together. But you are alone...
NT women are so alone, because they need intimate connection on all levels, appreciation, love and care... Asperger man has completely different needs, and being too close to someone can be uncomfortable, not familiar, and they can be longing for space and solitude.
Relationship can be improved, if Asperger man sees a need in improvement.
Read in topic D.I.V.O.RC.E.
One man wrote a good report how he is working on his marriage, being on the Spectrum.

But if man cannot see the need, not much can be done.
Either we accept things the way they are, putting aside our dreams, needs, who we are...
Basically sacrificing ..
Many women just live...

Sorry again. I know how hard it is .

NT wives here, were any of you the one who approached the subject of aspergers with your husband? My husband is helping his aged parents this past week out of town. When he returns, I'd like to discuss this with him, but I'm pretty sure he'll be unhappy. He does often say that we have communication problems . . . maybe he'll be open.

My late husband was an English professor, writer, and poet. For a good while, I thought the communication problems were that my expectations were too high for a "normal" man. It's much more than that though.

Bless you all.

PattiT,
I married a man without knowing that he has any disorder.
Looking back, I realized that we didn't date long enough for it to appear.

Little oldness here or there, but I just brushed it off. I think he really tried to be on his best behavior, while dating.

It took me 8 yrs to discover what it was. I read so much psychology, like never in my life ! First i thought that it was bipolar. Than I thought that it was narcissism, for sure.
What really bothered me, was that seemed like his conscience didn't work, or malfunctioned. At times when most of the people would say sorry, or try to make it up to the offended person, he would just turn around and say nothing. Just get on his computer.
I still have a book with title -"Without Conscience". It about psychopaths, who's conscience doesn't really work.
Study was done on inmates, and some other people. Never knew that people like it exist.

Than I came across Asperger!
Wow, things sounded like what was happening in front of my eyes! More I read, more I was surprised how close to home it was!
At one point, I started to point some good information to my husband. He would read, and would tell me how he can totally relate to it. He started to read on his own about Asperger. I found couple of on-line tests for Asperger. He found some by himself, and took couple of tests. They are close, but not that accurate. But he realized that he can be on the spectrum...
Would refuse to be professionally diagnosed. Only 9 yrs later, just last year, he diced to go and do it. He really didn't want to get a "label"... But he finally went in, after I tried really hard to find professionals and scheduled him an appointment. It was the second round.
First time I did find a place for him to be tested, he refused to do anything about it.
This time he decided to do it.

This is how it happened in our case.

Valia, thank you.

I am torn between being thankful that there's a cause for my husband's behavior and that he actually loves me and then the negative of knowing there's little chance of anything ever changing.

I was diagnosed last week as having thyroid failure; actually, almost nothing in my body is working because of that. Apparently, both my parents had a gene that is the root cause of this failure, but the stress I've been under has pushed the potential problem over the edge. I've had horrible fatigue, and my moods have been really bad; I've been very impatient with my husband. He had an outburst Saturday and started staying at his sister's. My diagnosis came three days later. We did talk in person two times, and I hoped the blood work numbers would have meaning for him. He does recognize that I've been going through something very difficult, but he has offered no comfort. He'd already planned on flying to his aged parents this weekend to help them, so he'll be gone another week. He says he'll come back home then.

The whole step parenting to adults thing is not easy, and I am kind of at my limit right now to be able to deal with any of them. I'm praying the two medications and all the supplements I'm taking will restore my physical health so I can handle everything in a calm way. We've been in really good marital counseling, but I can see now that the approach was wrong for my husband and that's why he's been receptive during sessions but has not been following through with anything.

I hope that you are able to find help in your marriage. I truly do. It's a very lonely thing to endure. I have to have hope that someone can help us find a way to have both our needs met -- though I think it will be easier for me to meet his needs than for him to ever meet mine. God bless.

So I have aspergers and I'm married to a normal wife. Our marriage is bad.

My wife is highly social and always needs people around her. She is constantly badgering me to spend time with her. And when we do, she insists on sitting face to face so we can look at each other and talk - mostly about her and her problems. I find this seriously painful and just go into shutdown. The wife would take this personally and lots of of grief would ensue. She has turned to alcohol to help her cope. We have come close to divorce plenty of times.

The thing is when we met we were both stoners. When stoned I could cope with just sitting and staring at her. But we have since had a child. As a father now I refuse to intoxicate myself. I have to do what I can to be there for my girl. She is also why I haven't just walked away from the marriage.

I have only recently found out I am autistic. Hopefully with this newfound knowledge we will be able to work something out. But my god is it tough. Often I wish I had learned I was autistic before I married. Then I would have learned that wanting to be alone is just a part of who I am and not something I should have fought against. I dream of being single and just feel this huge burden of responsibility for my daughter...

I'm sorry you are struggling so with your wife. It sounds as though she does not understand much about Aspergers. I was a teacher for thirty years and had quite a few secondary students with Aspergers, and I've been on a crash course this last week to learn everything I can.

I think both of you could be helped to have a better marriage. Find a counselor who is trained to help in NT/Asp marriages. I'm seeking help in this direction this week.

Well, in fairness we have only recently found out that I am aspergic so it isn't really her fault that she hasn't understood. I'm not quite sure what we are going to do now. She has this need for face to face that I just can't meet..

plootark,
sounds like you are a man with a gentle heart !
You love your daughter so much, and trying your best.
I am so happy to hear it! I am glad to learn that some Asperger man are loving, and willing to take responsibility for their family.

I have been around so much harshness for 18 yrs, and "I don't care" attitude, that I got the impression that all the men on the spectrum are like that.

Now I know that they are not. Thank you!

A good therapist is really important! And is very hard to find. Most family counselors, and therapists are not trained in high-functioning Autism, and tend to put the same expectations on Asperger man, as NT. It other words, they use the same methods for a couple where Asperger present, as for those NT couples.
And it doesn't work.

Overall, I agree with a statement, that a man, generally speaking, not able to meet ALL the needs of his wife. We are talking a bout NT men.
More so, it would be extremely hard for a man with Asperger to try to fulfill that role, specially if wife is a very talkative woman.
Really wish you guys to find some professional that can explain your wife about your needs and abilities, and hers to you. And be able to mediate between both of you, helping you both in the process of learning to meet each other needs.

It's not easy! i understand.

PattiT,
I understand. I have experienced similar reaction of my husband to me, when I am in need.

I had a female type of surgery couple of years ago, and he left the town for a week.

Last year I had emergency appendicitis, while he was away over the weekend for his job. It happened on Saturday, my 16 yrs old was scared, but reacted well - called for a taxi, and I ended up in emergency room.
Other children are younger than her. Youngest was 7 yrs old. First time they had to spend a night without adults in the house.

I came home Sunday afternoon.
He was back on Monday. Left the town Wednesday and for a week again, because he already planned to do it before my surgery. I asked him: "How i supposed to do it? How am I going to take children to school?" He was silent.
Well, I would just put a pillow on my tummy, buckle up, and drive. To school, to grocery store, tutoring for my daughter...
No, I don't expect much sympathy from him...

I am sorry to hear that you are going through it yourself!
How nice to be able to have some kind of local circle of women, that in similar situation. I would call it - "A helping hand". That we would help each other in times of sickness, and hardship.
Like I would show up at your house and help you with what you need, while you recovering

By the way, I am in NC.

Valia,

I am so very sorry to hear about your illnesses and having to cope on your own. That must be both physically and emotionally draining for you.

Yes, it would be good to have a small network of women to socialize with and to help each other. I'm in Texas. I did see online one night that there is a support group not terribly far from me.

I think my plan is to give my husband--once he returns--a checklist to think over (with no identification of autism/aspergers) and see if he sees himself there. Once he got used to the idea of going to marriage counseling, I think he really has tried; the exercises we were given just weren't appropriate for him. If we can see a counselor who is trained in helping couples like us, I'm going to hold out some hope that we can have a peaceable marriage, even if some of my needs aren't met. I pray he will be open to the idea; I know it could take some time for him to think it all through.

I suspect that the five-year-old granddaughter has Asperger's. She has a serious sensory issue, and she does what I think is called mirror play. She plays near other children, but she doesn't really join them. The other grandparents were told about the sensory issue and were given some details. My husband and I learned only when she was given a weighted blanket by her grandmother, and the grandmother explained it to me. I have assumed that my stepdaughter doesn't tell her father things like this because of me, but now I'm thinking it could be because he doesn't give an empathetic response.

The last 3.5 years have been difficult. I'm ready to try anything.

PattiT,
Want to share with you a greatest source of information that I found on Asperger! It's Australian.
This is about marriage. Describes my situation. First time I read, i thought to myself: looks like they know all about our lives.
Asperger’s Syndrome in Marriage
http://www.aspia.org.au/pdf/AS_Marriage_brochure.pdf

Here is another one. Have not read it yet. Just discovered.
What to do if you suspect your partner has Asperger Syndrome By Carol Grigg
http://www.aspia.org.au/pdf/2013/What-t ... ndrome.pdf

Valia,

Thank you for the two links! Both are helpful. I have an appointment this week--while my husband is still out of town--with the marriage counselor we've seen. I am hoping to get a contact for an appropriate counselor who has experience with NT/Ausp marriage problems.

A good thing is that I'm not jittery today from my new thyroid medication! In a little over a week, I'll begin a higher dosage, but at least I will know that the jitters are a temporary thing. It's actually probably a God gift that my husband went to his sisters and then had this needed trip to help his parents. I need to be as healthy and together as possible!

Keep in touch, please, with how things are going with you.

P

PattiT,
Yes, sometimes a break form each other is so helpful.
Just less stress, and some peace...

Take care of yourself, and get better !

Was nice to meet you.

I recently asked my wife if she'd marry me if she knew about my diagnosis.

She said yes, very quickly to my relief.

Doing some things separately is good.
We (my NT wife and I) had some unplanned)
Last week I "held court" with her dad, as she was busy with the illness and death of a friends sister. I didn't think I did so good at a lunch gathering with both of them. They were crying - talking and touching/hugging. That day I didn't feel to touchable but did hug everyone after lunch. My wife said I did fine.
Listening instead of fixing logically is still hard.
Stopping my verbal diarrhea of narration once started still needs lots of work but it is better.
I'm getting close to retirement so our relationship will change again. Similar interest in a few things and quite the opposite in others. (I like the saying "if we were both the same one would be not be needed."
We are both Christians which seems to help being on same page / equally yoked. (Spiritually)

DrLaugh,

May I ask when you were diagnosed? My husband and I are in our late 50's, married under four years. Our marriage counselor is going to introduce the idea tomorrow to my husband that he has some tendencies associated with asperger syndrome. My husband's five-year-old granddaughter also has quite a few tendencies, some different from my husband's.

Were you receptive to the facts of the diagnosis? Did it take some time to accept? Were you able to find some help in your areas of struggle?

I'm concerned about how my husband react. I've talked with him recently about some things I see in the granddaughter and how what I'm seeing in her is very much like some of my former asperger students. And I then told my husband that the granddaughter reminds me very much of him in quite a few ways. He did not seem to make the connection, as I did not actually expect him to.

My husband's anger and some rages have increased. When he totally lost control a few weeks ago and hurt me physically, he left home for two weeks to stay with family. He told them he does not feel safe with me.

Frankly, my heart is broken. I was widowed fourteen years before I married again, and I was seeking true companionship. We are both Christians also.

Very recently. I was receptive.
I had mentioned thinking about the possibility for a couple if years. My wife checked out some books on being married to an Aspie. I took a few on line test and scored high. 161-177 or so. My wife scored 60. My brother scored 40ish.
Counseling helped on a couple of issues.
Be safe aspie or not.
Celebrate Recovery is a good resource for Christians in my experience.