Ruining the life of my long term love

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Witchway
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26 Mar 2015, 11:28 pm

Thank you very much abeautifulmind and Adamantium for your kind advice and support.

slave
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27 Mar 2015, 8:57 pm

Witchway wrote:

This is my very first entry... and I'm sorry it's a mess. I'm in shock I guess.

I'm 51 years old and live in Danmark with my BF for about 14 years and our daughter.

A few days ago I realized that I most certainly have aspergers. I should have guessed as our daughter was diagnosed HFA abou 8 years ago. I read anything I could come across and claimed to have asperger but I didn't realise that it was really real and that it actually had a impact not only in my life but what is much worse, on others.

What happened is that my husband - as many times before - said he couldn't handle it (me) anymore. That he had tried anything. I thought at first that we were just sexually a bad match, because this is the main topic when this situation happens, but then I read on sexuality and aspergers in the internet and what Tony Attwood had written. And then I realized that the sex part maybe is tha major subject but not the main issue. It all fitted perfectly. I told him and he agrees and made a lot of conclusions for himself on that behalf and now I don't know anymore who I am and he doesn't know who I am and our relationship is declared as being not existing - for years. Still it seems we will have to live together for the sake of our daughter and for finansial reasons as well.

My asperger personality is making the man I love very unhappy and there is nothing I can do to fixit? Is there? I don't think I will be able to show love and affection in a way that will mend his wounds. I don't dare to give him hope or promises. It feels like we are both hit hard by destiny and that it is a destiny we can't share. When he tells me he has lost all his hopes and dreams I just remain silent, for what can I say.

Has any of you had similar experiences or do any of you have hope or advice to share?

He should just use prostitutes to meet his sexual needs.
Have you suggested this to him?

elkclan
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28 Mar 2015, 2:43 am

Slave - woah! Back up the truck! He should "just" use prostitutes for his sexual needs???! !!

I'm a woman, married to a highly suspected, but undiagnosed AS guy who falls into the category of declining libido as Attwood has described. It has been a source of incredible pain to me. I don't just need sex to scratch an itch, I need sex as a social glue, as a bonding activity and to fill up the love tanks. Paying someone, fairly anonymous, for sex just wouldn't do it for me. And despite the stereotypes it doesn't do it for a lot of men either. They don't want Tab A into Slot B, they want a loving relationship with intimate activities - including sex. Ideally good sex!

I toyed with the idea of getting my sexual needs met elsewhere thinking that if this itch were scratched I could be happier with the rest of my marriage. I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. Yes, I was no longer so relentlessly horny and sexually frustrated and despondent about my lack of desirability (because clearly someone desired me), but it magnified what was missing in my marriage. And I was performing those social bonding activities with someone outside my marriage which certainly didn't make the bond inside my marriage stronger. I also belong to an online support group of people in sexless marriages and I am not the only one who experienced this feeling - other people men and women describe exactly the same when they have chosen to 'outsource' the sexual element of their marriage. I went into my second affair knowing it would feel like this, but still wanting and needing a sexual relationship - and so the gulf grew wider. I suppose I could have had a series of anonymous encounters, but the sex is never, ever as good as it is with someone you get to know and respond to and please and who wants to please you because they get pleasure from it as opposed to wishing to please you to meet their own performance standards or bring a conclusion to the encounter. And frankly it makes me feel icky. Maybe the OP's partner is one of those people.

And some people also are so uncomfortable with having sex outside their primary relationship that it is not a pleasure for them at all. I'm not one of these people, but maybe the OP's partner is.

Do not ever underestimate the amount of fundamental pain a refused and rejected partner feels. And do not underestimate how it colors the rest of the relationship.

slave
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28 Mar 2015, 3:56 am

elkclan wrote:

Slave - woah! Back up the truck! He should "just" use prostitutes for his sexual needs???! ! !

I'm a woman, married to a highly suspected, but undiagnosed AS guy who falls into the category of declining libido as Attwood has described. It has been a source of incredible pain to me. I don't just need sex to scratch an itch, I need sex as a social glue, as a bonding activity and to fill up the love tanks. Paying someone, fairly anonymous, for sex just wouldn't do it for me. And despite the stereotypes it doesn't do it for a lot of men either. They don't want Tab A into Slot B, they want a loving relationship with intimate activities - including sex. Ideally good sex!

I toyed with the idea of getting my sexual needs met elsewhere thinking that if this itch were scratched I could be happier with the rest of my marriage. I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. Yes, I was no longer so relentlessly horny and sexually frustrated and despondent about my lack of desirability (because clearly someone desired me), but it magnified what was missing in my marriage. And I was performing those social bonding activities with someone outside my marriage which certainly didn't make the bond inside my marriage stronger. I also belong to an online support group of people in sexless marriages and I am not the only one who experienced this feeling - other people men and women describe exactly the same when they have chosen to 'outsource' the sexual element of their marriage. I went into my second affair knowing it would feel like this, but still wanting and needing a sexual relationship - and so the gulf grew wider. I suppose I could have had a series of anonymous encounters, but the sex is never, ever as good as it is with someone you get to know and respond to and please and who wants to please you because they get pleasure from it as opposed to wishing to please you to meet their own performance standards or bring a conclusion to the encounter. And frankly it makes me feel icky. Maybe the OP's partner is one of those people.

And some people also are so uncomfortable with having sex outside their primary relationship that it is not a pleasure for them at all. I'm not one of these people, but maybe the OP's partner is.

Do not ever underestimate the amount of fundamental pain a refused and rejected partner feels. And do not underestimate how it colors the rest of the relationship.

What you are describing demonstrates one of the many reasons why (for some, NOT all) monogamy is flawed. Why do we believe that one person can meet ALL of our needs? Answer: religion combined with the male desire to control women has forced this unnatural state upon us.

You are suffering because your needs are not being met. This is not your fault. This is not your DH's fault either. You should not have to suffer and if it weren't for the societal definitions/judgements/restrictions placed on us, you wouldn't have to.

We need a society of total sexual and relational freedom. A society where ppl can have their needs met without difficulty and with the obvious caveat of informed consent.
You should be able to freely explain your situation and be free to fulfill your desires without any form of restriction.

Sexless marriages are painful cages of love and lack. It need not be so.

elkclan
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28 Mar 2015, 10:39 am

That still doesn't change the fact that people who like sex and people who like being bonded in long term relationships usually like those things to happen in the SAME relationship and where that isn't the case there's usually unhappiness.

I do get my sexual needs elsewhere and no I do NOT feel guilty about it, but I also don't feel good about it. I want a happy loving, sexually intimate relationship. Right now my husband stands in the way of that.

Adamantium
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28 Mar 2015, 12:27 pm

slave wrote:

We need a society of total sexual and relational freedom. A society where ppl can have their needs met without difficulty and with the obvious caveat of informed consent.
You should be able to freely explain your situation and be free to fulfill your desires without any form of restriction.

Sexless marriages are painful cages of love and lack. It need not be so.

How does this answer the need for sexuality within a deep relationship at all?

Theoretically, this is a great solution: from each according to his or her ability, to each according to his or her needs. But it's just not like that at all. At all.

It's like you didn't actually read the post.

slave
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28 Mar 2015, 9:58 pm

elkclan wrote:

I know you want the relationship to meet all of your needs. It is not meeting said need, as you say. Obviously, with him, you can not have it all.

That REALLY sucks and I wish it wasn't so.

Your only choice is to go outside of the relationship. Feeling happy about it will be hard.

slave
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28 Mar 2015, 10:04 pm

Adamantium wrote:

slave wrote:

How does this answer the need for sexuality within a deep relationship at all?

:arrow:

It does not. Ergo one must go outside of the relationship or remain unfulfilled. Real life is seldom exactly what we want.

Theoretically, this is a great solution: from each according to his or her ability, to each according to his or her needs.

:arrow:

Thanks, I know

But it's just not like that at all. At all.

:arrow:

I never said our society was like that, I said it SHOULD change to BECOME like that.

It's like you didn't actually read the post.

:arrow:

Then show me what I missed.
please
thanks

Adamantium
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29 Mar 2015, 1:32 pm

slave wrote:

Ergo one must go outside of the relationship or remain unfulfilled.

The point that still seems to elude you is that fulfillment will only take place within a relationship.

It may well be that that has to be a different relationship with another person, but for a person who needs that kind of intimacy, no amount of sex outside the main relationship will be satisfactory.

Maybe people should just accept that such incompatibilities are sufficiently deep that they should dissolve the relationship when the incompatibility becomes apparent.

But "total sexual and relational freedom" is not an answer for THIS need.

slave
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29 Mar 2015, 4:11 pm

Adamantium wrote:

slave wrote:

Ergo one must go outside of the relationship or remain unfulfilled.

The point that still seems to elude you is that fulfillment will only take place within a relationship.

~~~if the person chooses to view that paradigm as the only POV

It may well be that that has to be a different relationship with another person, but for a person who needs that kind of intimacy, no amount of sex outside the main relationship will be satisfactory.

~~~from their perspective "yes" other perspectives do exist and can be chosen

Maybe people should just accept that such incompatibilities are sufficiently deep that they should dissolve the relationship when the incompatibility becomes apparent.

~~~i agree 100%

But "total sexual and relational freedom" is not an answer for THIS need.

~~~it can be 'an' answer for a person who chooses the unconventional perspective
~~~from the perspective of the OP it is not viewed as a solution but it could be if the OP altered her perspective

~~~Ultimately, this issue can be viewed in different ways and is(polyamory for example)by certain people.
I advocate the view that one ought to be pragmatic about one's own needs and meet them in any way possible.
Some would dismiss this as immoral.

slave
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29 Mar 2015, 4:21 pm

Witchway wrote:

Maybe my post was too messy. Maybe I'm posting in the wrong place. Maybe you are still sleeping.

I love my NT husband (Not married). I gave him reason to expect hot and kinky sex when we first met.

:arrow:

what was your motive?

Due to me it never happened.

:arrow:

have you apologized? could you discuss the issue with him and share all of your feelings?

Though i tried all I could i didn't get it at all. Now he thinks he abused me for all these years.

:arrow:

if he did not, have you told him that? he will feel badly if he thinks he violated you

And I am extremely bad at expressing my love in a Way he Understand.

:arrow:

have you explained this fact to him?

All of my concern is him to be happy.

:arrow:

it is VERY clear that you love him and regret all of this....make sure that you tell him
With or without me. Is there anything I can or should do?

:arrow:

Communicating everything to him will be hard, but I think it will worth considering. Silence will only perpetuate the pain and misunderstandings.

:arrow:

Peace to you.

elkclan
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30 Mar 2015, 2:12 am

Quote:

But "total sexual and relational freedom" is not an answer for THIS need.

Yep. This. A lot of people want a sexually fulfilling relationship with their partner and this is not a bad thing to want. When it's right the sex supports a positive relationship in other aspects and vice versa.

slave
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30 Mar 2015, 4:59 am

elkclan wrote:

Quote:

But "total sexual and relational freedom" is not an answer for THIS need.

Yep. This. A lot of people want a sexually fulfilling relationship with their partner and this is not a bad thing to want.

:arrow:

I am not suggesting it is. Do you think I am?

When it's right the sex supports a positive relationship in other aspects and vice versa.

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