Cyllya1 wrote:
I find social psychology and relationships interesting, so I've been collecting info on social skills "techniques." Just in case it might be useful, I'm pasting some of my notes (half-written blog post) about some social habits that may get you branded as arrogant, condescending, or argumentive if you don't do them. If lots of unrelated people consider you arrogant, there's probably some kind of pattern to it. However, don't feel like you necessarily have to change something about yourself just because it makes people misinterpret you. For example, I think some people consider me snobbish because I'm way less talkative than they expect, but I'm not going to try to become more talkative.
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Unsolicted advice
Everybody hates it. Also, asking someone, "Why don't you [insert something]?" will usually be taken as unsolicited advice, although it depends on the context.
Non-Accusatory Complaint
If you need to lodge a complaint so that a problem will be corrected, you can do it in a way that avoids criticizing the receiver of the complaint. Putting forth an accusatory complaint will make the receiver defensive, and if it turns out that the problem wasn't the receiver's fault, it will make you look silly and make the receiver feel a false sense of "problem solved."
For example, suppose you're taking a class and your teacher graded your test incorrectly:
Bad: "Hey, you graded my test wrong."
Good: "Hey, there's an error with how my test was graded."
About Opinions
"Opinions are like as*holes: everybody has one, and nobody thinks theirs stinks." -- popular saying
Just because someone says something about a topic on which you have an opinion doesn't necessarily mean you have to give your opinion. If it's just small talk or otherwise non-important, you might consider keeping it to yourself, especially if your opinion is contridictory or negative to what was already said.
However, if someone someone asked for your opinion or you want to have a polite debate or discussion, try to state a fact about yourself instead of giving your opinion. For example, you can say, "I didn't like that movie," instead of, "That was a bad movie."
Use "I Language"
"I Language" is relationship-counselor-speak for "talking like someone who's not an overly hostile as*hole." Basically, when you have a disagreement with someone, you talk about yourself or the concrete facts of the situation, instead of blaming or criticizing the other person.
Besides the fact that blaming and criticism rarely get you what you want, talking about yourself and the situation is just going to be clearer and more accurate. Things like "You're so selfish" or "You never help out around the house" or "You hurt my feelings" don't really communicate anything useful.
Search for phrases like "I language in communication" for more info.
Humility (using "I think...")
You probably had at least one English teacher who insisted that you should never start statements with things like "I think" or "I believe." Well, you shouldn't take ettiquette advice from your English teachers, even when they aren't the types everybody hates. That's not their specialty.
So scratch out all the "I think" from your English class homework assignments, but use it as much as you want (maybe more?) in every other context.
(Try to use a reasonably confident tone though, at least in professional settings, or you'll give some people the impression that you're guessing wildly.)
Can you get the same result by agreeing?
For an example, I'm going to totally plagerize something I once saw on a parenting message board (I don't remember who told this example; please claim it if it's yours).
The Mom posting this advice was talking about dealing with her own mother (the Grandma). Grandma would call her and suggest that she bring the family over to visit. The Mom found that if she responded, "Ugh, I am SO busy, there's no way I can make it over there until at least Wednesday!" then the Grandma would be upset and arguementive and start complaining about how she never sees the grandkids, et cetera. But if the Mom responded with something like, "Sure! How about Wednesday?" then Grandma would be happy ("Great, I'll make pancakes!").
Either way, the Mom was agreeing to bring the family over on Wednesday, but the Grandma's feelings and response were different based on her attitude.
On one hand, maybe it seems silly of the Grandma to care so much about the presentation of the response, since she's getting what she wants either way, but I think it actually makes sense. The grouchy response has some underlying implications of "your request is unreasonable" and "bringing the family to see you is a big hassle for me," and it's those implications that Grandma was actually arguing with.
Thank you. Those are all very good points. I often tell people: "it doesn't matter half as much what is said, as why it was said." Maybe I need to remand my thinking.
07 Jun 2015, 6:21 pm
