First, an introduction... I'm just begnning to to figure out how Asperger's applies to me and this is my first post. I am a 63-year-old eccentric/misunderstood, but presumed "normal" (and professionally respected) lady . My dad died Sunday at age 90. The "this explains my life" lightbulb went off for the first time just a few days ago after, amidst extreme frustration at not being able to explain that/how the turmoil surrounding his death was affecting me "differently". I started putting things together from family conversations about chronologies of life events. My mother and I compared our recollections of our furstrations during my childhood one evening and I woke up in the night and googled Asperger's. Bingo!
Looking back, I can see that I have managed -- albeit strikingly imperfectly at times! -- by becoming intrigued with learning about the fascinating details/dynamics of psychology. I get into a discussion about an emotional issue and gather information/evidence face-to-face in real time, then go back to a quiet place and process/analyze it intellectually, giving myself directions about how to try to behave with that person next time. I therefore do much better in relationships structured to provide a concentrated series of conversations a few hours or a day or two apart than where conversations are more widely spaced and sporadic (i.e, living with someone works better than dating).
Whereas I examine emotional responses and probe into them and ask lots of questions -- both about my own feelings and others' -- and am vulnerable to being overwhelmed by them, my dad dealt with this the opposite way.
(Once I figured out that I was probably an aspie, I quickly understood that he was too.) His strategy was to control those around him and forbid emotion to exist in his world. Over time, narcissistic personaility disorder came to dominate his personality and mask the aspieness. Don't let that happen to you!
I would suggest reading lots of books about male-female relationships. Men Are From Mars, Harville Hendrix stuff, etc. And listen to Dr. Phil! Aspie obliviousness and solving/fixing/explaining vs. empathizing are exaggerations of neurotypical masculine traits and our emotional vulnerability/overwhelm relates to some standard female patterns (especially low-estrogen phases).
I would welcome any thoughts as to whether the way I am making sense of these things sounds on-target to experienced aspies. And advice as to how to explain aspieness in such a way as to get better support/understanding from family members more accustomed to blaming me for being selfish/neurotic/not-trying-hard-enough than helping me maintain an environment that enables me do my best.
02 Jun 2011, 3:34 pm
