What would help you get on better in life?

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a couple years ago, someone wrote me an e-mail, rejecting me from an unpaid internship. she told me that i was not "high energy" enough.

and how did she measure energy, calories? joules? Newtons?

besides if i was "high energy" she could've told me i acted like i was manic. as in bipolar. or hyper. as in ADHD.

seriously nothing i do is good enough.

today's counselor told me that the insurance only covers 3 more months. after that she can try to convince the insurance to extend one more year. she told me she is usually successful the 2nd year. and usually not successful the third year.

and i said that the counseling thus far. has been much better than any other counseling i have had.. and i have had a lot of counselors.

however, counseling is just talking. "actions speak louder than words."

for me to attain a decent Axis Five Global Area Functioning, would require. that a stampede of professionals follow me aaround every waking moment. since birth.

cousenling is "A Day late, a dollar short."

some things, words can't express. some things, i personally do not know how to express. not every recipient is caring, receptive or understanding. if the recipient is not caring, receptive or understanding, the recipient sometimes punishes me. the speaker only intends one meaning. any other meaning is a misunderstanding. anything could get misunderstood in an unlimited number of ways.

and besides, even if the recipient is caring, receptive and understanding, then what? whooptie do.

the counselor today was all of those thing. or @ least it appeared to me. maybe she put on a facade as a professional. i ain't psychic or telepathic and i ain't a lie detector.

someone else's acting skills will always be much better than my lie detector skills. and when i do make the wrong assessment, which i do a lot, the punishment is pretty profound. and when i make the correct assessment, then what? whooptie do. small reward or no reward.

b/c the counselor can only talk to me in that room at that time. that's what.

the counselor does not have the legal authority to assign the homophobic precious lil "people" 2000 hours community service at the lgbt center, b/c they had the nerve to tell me it was "lying" for me to ask them to call me "he" instead of "she".

i'm prolly not considered high-energy in many humans' eyes.

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different humans, at different times, perceive you differently.

being "high energy" is not necessarily a good thing. granted, not being exhausted is a good thing.

some jobs want someone more mellow. mostly STEM jobs. jobs that require sitting in a chair forty hours a week. typing on the computer. jobs with minimal social interaction.

wish somebody would hire me for those jobs.

A second vote here for Universal Basic Income.
Would help out and de-stress a lot of square pegs trying to fit in round holes.

Housing materials and insulation that actually works really, really well. I'm sitting in my flat with all my windows closed and locked, they are double-glazed, but I can still hearing a constant sibilant swoosh of white noise and general roaring from the fast-flowing traffic on the main road outside. I never get to experience silence, not even during the night. Some researchers believe that this constant level of noise contributes to raised stress levels even for an NT person living with it.

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yeah i know huh. b/c of autism symptoms, i ain't suited for many jobs. not emotionally or socially suited. like noone would hire me. or, if they make the mistake of hiring my worthless corpse, they quickly correct their mistakes. b/c hey. california is an "at will" employer.

today went to Peet's coffeehouse. standard minimum wage job. but of course noone would hire me to work at a coffeehouse. angry customers that want their coffee now. working standing up the whole time. noise from customers and coffee machines. small, confined location. bored to tears. (although that could be a good thing).

and there are so many jobs i could not do, no matter how much training i got. those jobs just go against my weirdo nature. peculiar personality.

could not customer service.

could not join the military. MEPs disqualifications: autism, ocd, irritable bowel syndrome, six out of 10 personality disorders, clinical depression, anxiety/Ativan, over 6 months under a counselor. and now, as of last week, president trump had the nerve to Tweet a trans military ban.

can't do jobs involving driving. bad at guessing distances/speed.

bad at coping with stress/pressure.

and STEM jobs. ain't got the IQ job for that. got an AA in Accounting and BA in Cognitive Science. that's it. fourth undergrad year, flunked out structural engineering. and desparately wanted to do an STEM job, b/c suspected that my (then undiagnosed) autism symptoms would make it hard to get hired at and not fired from a job that ain't STEM.

but whatever.

a couple years ago got a job as Data Entry Clerk. just typing. got fired. someone had the nerve to tell me. boss. "it's not a good match." "today's your last day."

yeah of course it's not a good match. it's a great match.

it's not just that i claimed that i did nothing wrong.

boss did not even tell me i did anything wrong.

another time some idiot had the nerve to tell the temp company to email me to tell me that she/they fired me.

another time it was a telecommuting job. and a quarterly contract. she blocked my account to prevent me from logging in.

last year, worked at a retirement company. the supervisor had the nerve to tell me that the women told her i was learning too slowly. and that you are working w/people's money. you can't make mistakes.

what is a "mistake"?

even presidents can make mistakes. (especially presidents).

Or a "Rockstar."

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what is a "Rockstar" anyways? "High Energy / Team Player / Multitasker"? how do they define and measure that? it's vague and subjective.

what I do, when i apply for jobs that require those job skills (if you could call them job skills). is just put them on my resume.

b/c it ain't "lying". it ain't factaully inaccurate. factually inaccurate would be like if i put on my resume that i got 3000 daily calorie metabolism .

I could tell a tragicomic story of an employer that tried to get me to drive a large panel van. nearly demolished their gas station as I can't easily judge distance.

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did they take action against you? did they fire you? what happened?

for some reason, no. miraculously. I whistle past that graveyard.

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did someone at least tell you off? a boss? anyone have the nerve to ask you "why?"

they were very gentlemanly about it. mighta had something to do with the agreement they had with goodwill industries of which I was a client.

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at least 2x, someone fired me, when i did not see it coming. their responses toward me, appeared the same throughout their entire interaction. one woman told the temp agency to email me to tell me not to return.

at least 1x someone fired me, when i saw it coming. for about 3 hours nobody gave me work to do. that was just my third day there. the trainer told the other trainer to train me. the other trainer said "that's not necessary", in cantonese.

when i was working as an actor, there were 2 supervisors on duty. one of them told me to go to the office. he told me to sit down. both supervisors were in the office. they closed the door. and i was frightened. afraid. scared. anxious. that they were going to fire my worthless corpse. but apparrently not. not only did they not fire me, but they did not take any action against me whatsoever.

all those situations were beyond my imagination, at the time.

however now that they have occurred, they are now within imagination.

but the problem is that there are always plenty of things beyond imagination that will happen sooner or later.

things like that make me wanna lie around all day long doing nothing.

way too much excitement

adrenal fatigue
]


chronic fatigue syndrome

I know from experience why at least some of the homeless are homeless. we just don't know how to live in this world.

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some things do not come naturally to some of us. especially minorities. the autistics. the mentally ill. and et ceteral.

yeah for the past nine months, gone to counseling. paid for by insurance. counselor told me the insurance pays for 3 more months of counseling.

but the way i see it, it's my weird, dysfunctional nature and the emotionally disturbing past versus her counseling.

and it's really hard to imagine that any amount of counseling could overpower the past and my dysfunctional nature.

counseling is just talking. counseling is necessary but grossly insufficient.

"a day late, a dollar short". that's what i tried to tell the previous counselor, but the previous. counselor had the nerve to brush me off. she squeaked "you're funny". okay, that was not a joke. okay?

seriously she deserved to get fired or something.