Struggling with Lack of Peers

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starkid, are you so far ahead of the average person that you are truly peerless?

Far ahead in what?
I don't think I'm peerless.

You tell me.

I was merely asking for clarification.

I didn't say that I was "far ahead" of anyone, and that term has negative connotations, so I don't know why you are using it.

I didn't say you said you were far ahead. I asked if you were far ahead because you said you're struggling with a lack of peers.

"Far ahead" has negative connotations? No, it's positive. I'd be chuffed if I was far ahead.

Anyway, you've made it quite clear that you are not far ahead so I'll stop using that term.

It seems to me that most replies in this topic misunderstand the meaning of the word "Peer". A peer is an equal, not better than or worse than, or superior, just equal, and given your original post it looks like the equality you are searching for is intellectual. Someone you can talk to where you don't have to explain the minutiae of your subject. (Indeed the very opposite of a teacher/student relationship.) Someone you can communicate with who can understand what you are talking about without you having to provide a detailed explanation of where you are coming from, before you can even start to move the subject forward. (Again, the opposite of a teacher/student relationship.)

Does the following experience ring any bells for you?
I wanted to know how light, traveling through an amorphous medium, such as clear glass, can maintain sufficient coherence as to allow the image to remain intact. I asked this question of people who should know. They pointed me at the scientific theory for the propagation of light, which I already knew. So I rephrased the question emphasising the amorphous nature of the medium, and even phrased it in terms of the difference between a crystalline substance and an amorphous one. I was directed again to the standard theory of the propagation of light. I then rephrased the question again emphasising the point that I was interested not in the experience from the point of view of the light, but from the point of view of the glass. To which question I was just met with blank looks.
It was only much latter that I realised people were not being obtuse, or difficult, or even intellectually lazy, as I thought for a while. It was just that they didn't understand the question.
(I am not interested in anyone on this forum answering this question, and I will not get involved in discussions of it here - I only mention it as an example of the kind of incomprehension one meets with when attempting to pursue subjects that one finds interesting.)

Is this the sort of problem you run into? Is it that you cannot find anyone who can converse on your present subject of interest in any way that is truly responsive, any way that actually engages with the subject and which does not degenerate into sterile arguments of minutiae, or wander into areas where you have no interest.

If your answer to this last question is "Yes", then I'm afraid I have no answers for you, except to council you to just keep trying by asking the questions that interest you. Okay, you will often, indeed mostly, meet responses that are at best unhelpful. My advice here is that you do not engage with these people as you will only become more frustrated and there will be no meeting of minds, as your correspondent will only become more confused and leave you struggling with your lack of peers.
My only glimmer of hope is that if you sit quietly in a corner and say nothing, then your peers (which are out there somewhere) will never hear your voice and so you, and they, will continue to struggle with your (and their) lack of peers.

I really wish I had something more positive to offer you.

Those people do exist, but the perceived anonymity of the Internet encourages too many people to troll and engage in flame wars rather than discuss a topic with some nuance. Political discussions especially tend to devolve into ideological prattle (especially in the current climate).

Perhaps you can attract some of them by posting your writings or making a blog. You may find some like minded people who share your interests.

I too often like to communicate with text, because when I put a thought in writing, it causes me to think it through before submitting it.

OP - I have no peers either, or perhaps friends is more accurate to me. I work with "peers", people of equal education, etc., who have similar backgrounds, but none of them are my friends. Like many of us, however, I have no interest in small talk or in any of the other things that seem to catch most people's interest like those peers that I work with. And I find interaction with these NTs uncomfortable.

I'm hoping to find some friends, however. They'd need to be peers to a large degree, however, at least in the sense that they'd have to have a number of common interests I think, and they'd need to be intellectual to a degree. Not to sound pompous. I was pleased to find this site recently, and figured it might help. I'm also going to attend some local "support groups" and see what that yields. Finally, I might see if the web site meetup offers anything that might work, since it does center on groups with common interests.

Not sure if this is relevant. But best of luck in your pursuits. And I hope that you find some happiness, if you're unhappy in your present situation.

Very long response here; I won't be offended if anyone decides to not read it.

Yes, that's what I meant.



If I only had to explain background material to have a productive conversation, that would actually be an improvement of my situation. Some people seem to lack even basic communication concepts. For example, someone on another website was saying that two things were the same, and I kept asking over and over again how they were the same and explaining that things can be similar in more than one way, but this person still would not explain himself, kept asking me rhetorical questions (as if they would help me to read his mind), and just kept repeating to me that they were the same.



Yes, in fact I have been in a similar situation. I asked a question about physics and no one seemed to understand where I was coming from. The disturbing thing is that this happened on a forum full of professional scientists, and some of the members were even Mentors, who are supposed to be helping other forum members to understand. All they did is regurgitate the theory; they seemed to struggle to relate it to the real world.


Somewhat, but lack of basics like respect, clear communication, reasoning skills, and actual engagement is the main problem.

I think I probably seem like the person who ends up having "sterile arguments of minutiae" because I get very engaged and try hard to understand what people are saying when some of them are not good at expressing themselves, don't see that the premise of the whole discussion is flawed, or are just casually tossing out half-baked ideas (i.e., not really intellectually engaged).

People often don't seem to see that their discussion is very superficial. Sometimes they see and don't care, but it isn't obvious to me that the discussion is supposed to be superficial so I jump in and possibly irritate people.



I think I will be struggling no matter what I do. I've gotten to the point where I can't ignore the unhelpful and trollish responses because I resent being exposed to disrespectful behavior and continually trying to engage with undesirable results makes me feel like an idiot, like I should give up, but isolation supposedly isn't healthy. I'm usually on edge now when I post something online unless it's very casual, like posts I've made about food preferences, and that isn't healthy either. I don't see what options I have.


That's true, but since peers haven't shown up in all the 36 years of my life, I have to look at this from the standpoint of statistics: the probability that I will find a peer by continuing to express myself amongst random groups of people (online or off) is low, and perhaps it is so low that it doesn't justify the anger, frustration, and anxiety that I'm experiencing by continuing to express myself. I won't be in good shape for engaging with a peer if I continue this way.

People have sent me PMs that I was afraid to read because I thought they may have been angry with me over something that happened in the thread. I have purposefully disappeared from online interaction because of these things, recently returned, and now I'm thinking about leaving again because some child talked down to me on another website.

I think what may happen is that I'll just re-consider killing myself within the next 5–10 years. I haven't really enjoyed living in a long time, and this on top of everything else is just too much.

Don't give up, Don't let people bully you. If someone can't respect you, they don't deserve your attention, just ignore/block them. You have every right to seek what you desire in a peer. If I recall correctly someone suggested earlier, maybe doing a blog, perhaps that will attract the conversation you are looking for?

don't kill yourself. i don't know have a real argument against it, except that I feel life is worth living, even though mine is pretty pathetic at the moment. i don't know if i'll be able to find peers, either. i'm not sure i even want them anymore. i was talking to my doc about this today. but i do like to engage, it's just in an atypical fashion i guess. nevertheless, it's engagement. perhaps the PMs weren't nasty (although people can be nasty)?

i think there are many of us struggling too. i think i find some consolation in that, and oddly, i'm still hopeful. and i'm not sure if you have any anxiety, depression, etc. that may not be adequately managed (I assume you don't?). i know for me it's an issue, and i think resolving those issues may help me find that peer or peer group. i may even find them in the process of trying to solve these issues (via support groups, etc.)?

It can be very difficult for a lay person to be a peer with a professional, who may ascribe very specific definitions to the words they use. Some of these professionals have difficulty translating their expertise to other fields, just because they have to learn an entirely new set of terms and units of measure.