heartlessaspergers.com

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02 Sep 2019, 6:30 pm

tensordyne wrote:

(I am sound sensitive, e.g. my partner blowing his nose next to me drives me crazy, which sucks because he has alergies and has to blow his nose often)

If this is a regular thing would encourage him to try allergy medication assuming he hasn't already that is. There's antihistamines which a lot of are available over the counter, nasal sprays which a lot of are also available over the counter, & the prescribed med Singulair/Montelukast. There's also Sudafed/Pseudoephedrine but that should only be taken occasionally & is behind the counter & requires ID & signature but doesn't require a prescription. I have allergy problems & take the antihistamine Xyzal, take Singulair, use the nasal spray Flonase, & take Sudafed but I only use the Flonase sometimes & I only take the Sudafed 1ce in a while. The various allergy meds can be & work very differently from each other in some ways so if a person has a bad experience on one, they may not on another. Unfortunately it's a trial & error thing to figure out which med or combo works best for each person.

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Magna
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02 Sep 2019, 9:04 pm

ASPartOfMe wrote:

Maybe the creator of that site was abused by her “aspie” partner, maybe she was not. We have no way of knowing what the hell is going on in their dysfunctional relationship. It is important to remember that relationship failures are often the fault of both partners.

If a person claimed he was mugged and hurt by a black person and started a site criminalblacks.com how many of you would be sympathetic? If a person claimed to have been raped by a gay person as a child started a site pedohomosexuals.com how many of you would be sympathetic to that person?

As disturbing as the material on that site is what I find disturbing is both the sympathy for her based on the assumption she was abused, that assumption seemingly based on the partner being aspie and sympathy for someone who if they used a bad experience with one person of a group, to spread hate of the entire group, to any other group but us would not get that sympathy and understanding. This is what internalized ableism looks like.

Very good points.

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02 Sep 2019, 9:12 pm

MaxE wrote:

Sorry to take a semi-contrarian view, but I can think of one or two situations in which people I dated deserved better treatment from me than they got, specifically with regards to how I chose to dump both of them (twice in the case of one). TBH there was blame to be shared on both sides, furthermore both ladies might have had some degree of BPD (I just checked the list of symptoms and yeah) but had I understood the situation back then as well as I do now, I think I could have have been less "heartless" in my actions. I think both would have agreed that "heartless" would be a good adjective to describe my actions at the time.

I'm confused by what you've written, Max. From what I gather, you say you were a jerk to one or two women in your past in relation to how you broke up with them but that they were jerks to you as well.

You say you were heartless in your actions toward them: are you correlating being heartless with autism?

In contrast, you say that had you been privy to information back then that you believe you know now (ie BPD) you think you could have been more sympathetic and sympathy is a worthy feeling to have.

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02 Sep 2019, 10:08 pm

ASPartOfMe wrote:

I think that website is no different than victims creating websites warning people to stay away from borderlines or those who have a cluster B disorder such as NPD. Then they talk about the things they do that hurt people.

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tensordyne
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02 Sep 2019, 10:58 pm

nick007, thank you for the comprehensive advise! He takes Xyzal, but it is not as much of an issue in our relationship as it used to be.

He had the habit of blowing his nose and talking at the same time, which when I am patiently trying to hear what he was saying was, well, at those moments it was shear torture. We got in fights over it. Now it is not an issue because that was pre-AS self-diagnosis part of our relationship. Adjustments have been made. I even have good sound canceling head-phones for coffee shops

My sound sensitivity is odd. I can be at loud sporting events just fine, but even quiet horror music is too much for me. Sudden changes in the ambient noise profile, loud to calm, calm to loud, chaotic to repetive, certain types of noises, etc... all can be quite disturbing. I think that is why my NT partner's sneazing and nose blowing is so annoying. It is not that the sound is overly loud, it is just that it is unpredictably loud in a simultaneously sonorous and high-pitched way. It's like his sneazing next to me feels like someone is simultaneous banging on a large flat piece of tinny metal and a bass drum, right next to my head.

Oh well, I loves him, so it is worth it. It is not like I am not a pain in the ass either, so...
:heart:

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03 Sep 2019, 5:51 am

League_Girl wrote:

ASPartOfMe wrote:

Yes there is too much only looking at worst sides of things online, exaggerating and stereotyping online. Some conditions warrant it others do not. Others do it also does not make it right.

While wrong planet has its issues if autistics were anything like what is described in that site, this site would have self destructed within a month.

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03 Sep 2019, 6:27 am

People who become obsessed enough to create a website based upon their experiences with one person worry me, somehow.

Sounds like one big rant to me, along with many other big rants.

It’s like creating a website for, say, people who were propositioned by same-sexed people and chose, as a result, to create a venomously anti-gay website.

Best ignored.

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03 Sep 2019, 8:12 pm

Magna wrote:

I guess dumping anybody out of self-preservation, without caring that much about how much emotional anguish you may cause that person, can definitely result from a lack of empathy. And in that context, I mean basically not knowing how to communicate with that person on an emotional level to explain your actions. I can see how that might seem "heartless" to others.

You may have seen a couple of discussions over the question of whether men with ASD are at greater risk of committing certain types of sexual assault such as inappropriate touching (I won't try to argue that thesis here, either for or against) but the consensus view here seems to be that nobody can expect forgiveness for such an act because he's on the spectrum. I am saying that the same rule applies with respect to emotional anguish caused another person because you are unable to connect with them on an emotional level. Sorry but I don't really care to explain any further.

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04 Sep 2019, 3:28 am

kraftiekortie wrote:

This

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29 Oct 2019, 11:21 am

Fireblossom wrote:

It's best to ignore those types of websites; there are hate sites for lots of different groups after all.

But I have to say I really don't get people who complain about their partner completely lacking empathy. If someone thinks that way about their partner, shouldn't they just leave that person instead of complaining? Having difficulty to emphatize is one thing, but why would anyone bother being in a relationship with someone who they think can't and/or don't want to work on it? Same goes for people's adult children and siblings; if they're such a pain they can just be cut off.

They stay for the money...
Ive gone through that site and half the women who complain drop that they stay for the house and the money. That site is nothing more then an echo chamber hate site.
Ive even come across a bunch of threads where they talk about how nice it would be to eliminate all asd people...

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29 Oct 2019, 11:27 am

mau_tie wrote:

Fireblossom wrote:

It's best to ignore those types of websites; there are hate sites for lots of different groups after all.

So we have a hate group, eh? Well, we've been advocating for ourselves, so it seems that someone heard our voices. It's pretty much the way these things work. Ah, well maybe when people list marginalized minorities, we'll even get on there someday. We'd be officially documented as human beings who want to be treated as though we are! Then watch the websites pop up. "How dare another group of people claim to be marginalized! Preposterous. And after so many of us were willing to pity them, too.*"
*[sarcasm sign]

Ummm... I'm autistic all the time and deal with the associated trauma that other people inflict upon me in every single arena of my life. Whatever pain a family may have (I am very sorry for them, and I wish both they and their child had more support), they do get a break, even if it's a short one. The child never leaves himself. Never.

Your child is screaming. The measure of you is whether the concern is for yourself or your child, and it seems to me that if someone chose to have a child, and if someone chose not to leave the child at a hospital, then it's a pretty bad mark of character not to choose the child even after the meltdowns start. Turns out, she's not having fun right now. She's having the meltdown. You're watching it. And if you feel like banging your fists, but you control yourself, then you really don't know what it means feel like banging your fists so badly that no amount of self-control or willpower can prevent it. And nobody but ourselves understands how hard we try to prevent it and how much we wish it didn't happen.

So actually, maybe it's just that neurotypicals need to "toughen up." You know... they're too sensitive. (Any aspies not been told to toughen up?) I can put up with me. If you can't, well it seems to me that (while you spent 37 years tricking me into believing the opposite) you're the one who's a whole h3ll of a lot weaker. Because in the end, that's what all hate groups are: weak, whiny people who don't like that someone they dominate is trying to become equal, because that's a threat to their way of life, and it might require them to move over and let someone else in.

They then find all the millions of ways in which the minority group has hurt them in order to delegitimize the self-advocacy. Well, we're in for a real treat.

Also, most people tell me that I'm a very empathetic person, and when I went to my therapist and told her all the reasons I believed I had autism, she told me that I was wrong, because I had too much empathy to be autistic. Well, someone who actually knew something about autism happened to disagree. I didn't stay with the therapist long after the diagnosis, though, because whatever I said, she would tell me "well everybody feels that way." I hate the empathy myth, but I can safely promise everybody that it's a myth, because I'm really, really empathetic... like... to my detriment at times. So you can't know me, and know autism, and know empathy, and still believe that autism and empathy are mutually exclusive. If anybody disagrees, you just send 'em to me.

Great reply, i like how you worded it. I know i care for others to the point ill put myself in a bad place, i just dont display it in a way that is common for most NT.

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29 Oct 2019, 1:19 pm

MaxE wrote:

It's good that you're taking responsibility for your own individual actions.

But it's still unfair for the "Heartless Aspergers" website to generalize the way it does about all Aspies.

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rdococ
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13 Nov 2019, 3:43 pm

Maybe I have a bit of self-hate in me, but I can understand where they're coming from. Especially in the past, I have found myself doing things that were probably jerk things to do, but I never stopped to consider it, and that really worries me.

I have to manually understand social cues, and manually "feel" empathy. That doesn't mean I can't do it, or that I'm a bad person, but it does mean that I might forget to do it. Fortunately, I've made it part of my routine when I hang out with friends.

I always scan the environment, and what my friends are doing, to see if I can serve them in any way. It's not as tiring as it sounds, and if I do miss an opportunity to help them, I make sure not to hate myself for it.

I assume some autistic people might be in a similar situation to me, but they don't realize that empathy, for them, is something they have to manually invoke, so they forget to invoke it, and act in an unempathetic manner as a result.

cbowman
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14 Nov 2019, 4:25 pm

Well the URL lacks empathy so that’s that. Heartless is a negative word to label a group of people. That’s lacking a lotta empathy.

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15 Nov 2019, 3:20 pm

rdococ wrote:

To be clear, if I see something bad happen to my friends, I'm going to feel bad about it - I feel empathy regardless, I don't have it on a kill switch like people with psychopathy do, but it's just the little things that I have to consciously feel for, and usually the things that involve my own actions. I care about my friends enough that I will use as much of my energy as needed on doing that.

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20 Nov 2019, 5:08 pm

I reckon this woman had issues. Sometimes an Aspie can be hypersensitive to another person's emotions or issues, but may find it difficult to deal with it. That does not make the Aspie heartless or even lacking in empathy. Asperger's is a disorder that can affect the way you display empathy, and she was probably too self-centred to understand that. It's a bit like dating a dyslexic person then getting frustrated that they can't read, then writing up a whole site named "dumbdyslexics.com" or something, advising everyone not to date a dyslexic person because they are too stupid. It's offensive and insensitive. And she has the cheek to call Aspie people heartless. What a cocky b***h.

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