The Dino-Aspie Cafe (for Those 40+... or feeling creaky)

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Okay, let me try to get a little action going in this forum. I need some advice. I've been obsessing over this non-stop since Friday afternoon. Here is the situation:

I will be 65 years old in July. I have been employed as a secretary by a certain large healthcare organization for eight years. I work in a small office with two other women. My boss, who is 37, and her administrative assistant who is 55. Early this year I set my retirement date to be July 2nd. I chose that date to retire because my benefits advisor told me that I needed to work at least one full day of my retirement month in order to be covered by my medical benefits until medicare kicked in. On the same day my boss announced that she was pregnant with her third child & due in early July. My coworker and I had managed to carry on with the department's business twice before when our boss was on maternity leave so that didn't seem like such a big issue. The main thing was finding & training someone to replace me so the office could stay up and running while the boss was out on leave. Things got trickier when our boss told us a later that she wouldn't be coming back. My co-worker got really stressed over the prospect of losing both of us and having to adapt to two new people. To make everyone feel better I offered to stay past my retirement date if need be in case it took longer than expected to find my replacement. My boss had kind of (my opinion) patted herself on the back for being upfront with everyone about not coming back instead of taking her maternity leave, collecting everything she could collect, and then "deciding" at the last minute that it wasn't feasible" to come back. Anyway...........

Last week one of my daughters told me and my husband that she wanted to take us on a vacation to Domincan Republic with her and her family. We were thrilled of course. Who wouldn't be? It was such a loving and generous offer. We certainly couldn't afford to do anything like that on our own. The glitch was in the timing. The best time for her, because of all of the sports that she and her family are involved in, was the week before my retirement. I would be back though, in time to work that first day in July. Before saying yes difinately I talked it over with my coworker. She said she thought it would be fine, I could train my replacement the week before my vacation, or the week after my vacation. She really didn't see a problem. After all, my boss wasn't even going to be around then. She's leaving in early June. So I told my daughter okay and she made the reservations. The next day I decided that maybe I should make it official and told my boss that I would like to take my vacation the week of June 25th. I told her all the incidentals, about the vacation being a gift, how I really couldn't expect my daughter to adjust her vacation to my schedule when she was the one paying for everyting, and I told her about the conversation with my co-worker. Her reaction was not "How wonderful for you, I hope you have a great time, you deserve it." She said she would have to look into it since it was the week before my retirement.

ARE YOU BORED YET? HANG ON. IT'S. ALMOST OVER

After talking with whomever she came to my desk and told me if I wanted a vacation that week I would have to move my retirement up to the week before June 25th. I explained that if I did that there would be a whole month of not having medical insurance for me and my husband. Suppose something bad happened to one of us? We could amass thousands and thousands of dollars in medical expenses and lose everything we had worked for all of our lives. She didn't seem to give a damn. Her face got red. She said "Quite frankly, I'm shocked that you would ask for a vacation the week before you are due to retire. I'm truly shocked." I didn't understand why she was shocked. I asked her "Do you think I'm being unethical?" She said "Unethical? Unethical? I didn't say you were being unethical? Those are your words." That pissed me. That phrase "those are your words" implies to me that the person using it is accusing me of projecting my own feellings about myself onto them. This was not the case. It was a genuine question and I was hoping to receive a genuine answer. Why was she so shocked? What did I do that was so shocking? She asked me to come into her office and she shut the door. I don't remember what she said, she repeated the bit about being so shocked a couple of times, that's all I remember her saying. I didn't say anything. I just sat there boiling and when she was finished speaking I got up and left.

ALMOST OVER, I PROMISE.

I went to my desk and sent an email to my boss; the director of HR; my employee benefits person; and my co-worker:

I would like to change my retirement date to June 8, 2007. I hope this will not cause too much of a probloem for ayone. I decided to make the change because of a family vacation that would fall the week prior to my original retirement date. I didn't realize that asking to take a week's vacation just before retirement was not appropriate in that they are two entirely different things. I certainly wasn't attempting to obtain any kind of personal gain by doing so. I'm sorry if it appeared that way.

I heard my boss moan when she recieved her email.As of yet, no response from her.

I got an almost immediate response from my co-worker:

Carol...I feel badly about any part I played in this whole situation. I am sorry that I told you that I didn't think it would matter (at least not to me if you took the vacation)...I should have just referred you to J(Boss) and stayed out of it. I'm sorry that you are leaving earlier now, but I understand why. You know I only wish the best for you and I hope that your vacation with your family is wonderful...you deserve the vcation and a wonderful retirement too. JO

I got an immediate response from bnefits person too:

Hi Carol,
Thank you for the updeate. I had finished your paperwork earlier thi week ad it was waiting to be checked by L before mailing it to you. With the change in your retirement date, it might take an extra week to get these papers to you because I'll have to redo them but it's not a big deal.
Also, from a retirement standpoint, taking a weeks vacation before retirement wouldn't affect me in any way anad we certainly have many employees who do that, but you do have to work the actual last day that you are retiring. I hope you haven't been given a hard time about that.
Have a great weekend, Leigh

Wow. I felt so vindicated. I'm not a bad girl after all. I didn't do anything unethical, innappropriate or "SHOCKING" In fact, my boss may have. I think she was projecting.
She could have taken a paid maternity leave and didn't. Now she's kicking herself and projecting on to me. Now HR has to get their asses moving and find my replacement. Cause you know, I'm unstable and might just up and leave anytime.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE

You are right, nannarob. I try hard to be ethical.



This is also my husband's take on the situation. I did earn those benefits.



This did not occurr to me. That's a good point. In addition to her relatively young age and her not really knowing what it feels like to live in a 65 year old body comprimised by so many years of panic and anxiety.

My mother used to call me a kitchen sink. Pull out the plug and it all comes out. I think I owe it to people to tell all so they know it all. I feel so much more at home in this cafe where everybody is open, and do not try to hide their vulnerabilities. I haven't talked to anyone at this level for years and I'm always trying to edit what I say in RW. I am NT but I am very weird.

And PP if you want to lash out, this is the place to do it. I expected to get hurt by others on WP because of Aspies unawareness of the feelings of others in a social setting. But I think your true innerselves live here in cyberspace. Does that make sense? (Have often been hurt by son-in-law who is not aware of this but now methinks me knows why now...whispered aside He's Ubby's father. I'm trying to get some housework done before I go out but you all keep distracting me!

This is up to you, but I would go straight to HR tomorrow and move that date back. Furthermore, I would write a letter detailing exactly what you said here. The benefits lady is correct, you most certainly can take vacation right before retirement and people do it all the time. If you are due the vacation and your boss did not question whether the office could run without you there, she had no business saying what she did. NONE AT ALL. I was a boss and what she said to you is unethical and coersion. That is why she reacted as she did when you said unethical. She had no business at all forcing you into that position and I would retract it at once in writing and copy it to your boss. If she says one word to you, you tell her that you are protected as both a woman and a person over 55 and you will go to the EEOC if she does not learn to shut her mouth. I would tell her exactly that. I thought the top of my head was going to blow off when I read this. What kind of idiot is she? When you write to HR, inform them that perhaps she no longer cares about discriminatory practices as she is leaving the company but you do. I would make sure she knows for future reference that any further stupid actions like that can get her into serious trouble.

Thank you PostPaleo. You observations and advice is right on target and is very validating. It's great to have so many good thinking brains close at hand and coming to my assistance when I need it. There is a principle involved here, after all.

Good glad you liked it, wish i had writtin it now That was our fair ZanneMarie.

Above quote is from Zannemarie

Thanks, Zanne. You observations and advice is right on target and is very validating. It's great to have so many good thinking brains close at hand and coming to my assistance when I need it. There is a principle involved here, after all. I hope my novella didn't give you a migraine. I want to add that my co-worker is more than capable of running the whole hospital with her hands tied behind her back, yet she can't be a manager because she doesn't have a college degree. This is birdshit, horses**t and every other kind of manure, but I guess it's that way in most corporations.
She knows damn well that my vacation isn't going to cause a problem, and she put herself on the line by giving me the unofficial go-ahead. I think maybe the boss gave her a hard time for putting her uncredentialed nose in.

I'll get the migraine once it's over. If you want me to help you write the letter, I'll be more than happy to do so. This is completely out of line and you have something in writing saying they have already done this for other people and they hope you weren't given a hard time about that. You need to print that off immediately because it's evidence. You have more than enough right now to file a suit. She is doing this because she thinks she can intimidate you and no other reason. She's a bully. If you take a stand, she'll back down. If she does anything once you complain that is called retaliation which is the suit most often taken against employers right now and the one most often won. Juries are made up of mostly employees, not employers and all employees have felt discrimated against at one time or another. That was told to me first by an HR Director and later by Corporate Lawyers every year when they do awareness training specifically so they do not end up in these suits. Your boss needs to understand that you know all of this. She'll straighten right up. I know that she will because HR will tell her to in no uncertain terms.

Anyway, there is a huge golf course on one end of the Dominican Republic that is very nice. I'll ask the guy who sits next to me about the other things you are interested in. He grew up in the DR. (He calls me mamacita. LOL)

I PMed it to you. It's strong, but you need to leave it that way. The law is on your side in this. Do not back down.

Yes, Mother.