The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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(Moving topic to this thread - hope it's okay)

That is tough. I imagine you mean harm in every sense of the word, both for you and your kids, not just physical harm, right?

I don't know all the details, but my intuition is telling me you should slide out of it. Don't fight him. Try to rise above the situation, don't obsess about it (easier said than done of course), and breathe. I of course couldn't do these things I'm telling you to do. I had a nervous breakdown when my ex left me all of a sudden one night. Maybe that's where my advice is coming from - do the opposite of what I did, which was panic and do stupid things. It took a good six months for my cognitive processes to return to normal. I lost significant amounts of grey hair. Anyway...

Keep your kids' best interests in mind and that will help decision-making too. It's tough to make decisions especially in a time of crisis. Perhaps you can put off making crucial decisions, like whether to have him in your life or not, after you've had some time to think about it/process it.

To recap the situation, he left a week ago after writing a manifesto of all the things he thought were wrong with me and saying that he didn't want to lead an aspie life. When he gave me the document, I said that maybe we should figure out a way to extricate our lives from each other. Then he jumped up, grabbed his notebook computer and ran out the door. We didn't hear anything from him for 24 hours.

So, I've trying to talk to him (mostly by email) to tell him that I need to get the car situation straightened out. He just sold the van without telling me. I'm telling him we need to move to town, to make some kind of division of things, to DO something constructive.

Today, my daughter walked to the store and was accosted by a man in a car who was masturbating!! So, I freaked out and tried to get in contact with him and he wouldn't answer his phone. So, I told my son, who was there at the office, to get his Dad and tell him that his sister was accosted and if he didn't call me I would shut down the server.

So he flips out and comes by here and starts screaming at me and breaks furniture and threatens me. I am NEVER going to get myself so involved with anyone again. I am NEVER going to have a situation with mixed up finances and property again. I practically have to kiss his ass to get anything out of him.

That's where I am with this.

Serious, this is so sad. How could he let his rage get so out of control ??
Breaking furniture is not acceptable. I don't want to offer advice, so please accept my sympathy.

I met my therapist today and I REALLY like her. She is very sympathetic and a cute lady from Iran. I absolutely cannot pronounce her name.

She understood my issues and we are going to work on my issues and make some goals. I've made plans to move to a different part of town and she agrees that it would be positive for me. She made me understand that I can only work on my issues and can't change his behavior right now.

She's probably worth the $200 per hour! My god, this is expensive!

Thanks for the good thoughts, Prof.

I am so happy to hear that! And a relief that you made it through the night! The moving sounds like a good idea. A fresh start brings a fresh perspective.

Thanks, sista Blessed. You are a gem!

BTW, my therapist thinks having online friends is very positive. Yay!

And she thinks hubby doesn't want to give up the relationship.

Not if he still has a lick of good sense ! !! I guess he has to feel what it is to be without you, so as to come to his senses.

It is very hard to see what you have until you are at risk of losing it. It is sad, and hard but true! People are such strange creatures! I'm just happy there is hope in your messages now. I was worried about you!
You have a friend in me!

Why thank you ! !

You have a friend in me, too ! !!

I am appalled at his behavior. One generous thought: perhaps he flipped out in part BECAUSE his little girl was accosted, and he felt supremely guilty because it wouldn't have happened if he'd not left you all without a car etc.

The support and wisdom here should be a good adjunct to your therapist. Good thing you like your therapist - it's hard to find one you like.

That's very possible. Of all the awful things to happen ! !! Some pervert happens along just to make things worse, trumatizing an innocent child.

Lissa, this woman is SO nice. She was recommended by my daughter's psychiatrist, who was recommended by my daughter's developmental psychologist.

I got myself a 6-pack of Negra Modello and am getting slightly drunk. he. he.

(((hugs to all my virtual buds)))

God, I'm feeling social!

~hugs back~

I wish I could get drunk with you!! I don't have anyone around here to get drunk and silly with

I hoist a pint in salute ! !!

I am glad that you have a theripist that you like,they are a rare thing and not to be taken for granted(many lunitics in the field).
I also like that she pointed out that you cant focus on changing him but need to focus on meeting your own and your childrens needs.

Do you think the furniture breaking was a meltdown or just a childish tempertantrum meant to scare you into submission?Maybe a bit of both.

I actually hope you can make a clean break if he is not willing,aware or interested in changing....he wont.He may say he will, to try and keep you in the relationship(been there),but unless he is unhappy with his life and stops blaming his unhappiness on you or the childrens AS....nothing will change for long.It took me years to get out of a relationship like this and we were not even married or had kids involved.He just kept coming back and convincing me that things would be different and he understood my issues with his behavior and ladeda....crap.He never did deal wih his issues,ended up smoking pot and crack to avoid his own issues and then blamed his addiction on my rejection of him.......some people never do "get it".

I am sorry that you are going through this but I know that you are strong and love your kids and will end up doing what you think is best for you and them.Sometimes that means,moving on,no matter how inconvenient,scary and frustrating that is...ie...no perfect solutions without a time machine(or an atomic weapon )