The Dino-Aspie Cafe (for Those 40+... or feeling creaky)

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Nanna,


Me? Maternal? LOL Nah. The people who worked for me called me Mom though and told me everything. Same where I'm at now. Even managers. I think they sometimes mistake blank face for serene or something. (It exhausts me!) Anyway, it's something I developed as a manager to keep things going. Sometimes people get so lost in the details they forget that in a short while this will all mean nothing.

Ubby's meltdowns. What grade is he in? Is this since his AS diagnosis? Here's what I recall about school and meltdowns (mine were put down to shyness and not being around many people before school): I hated school when I first went. I threw the mother of all fits the first day and got sent home. AH HA! If I have a fit, they send me home, therefore I will throw a fit if they send me back. That's exactly what I did. What stopped it? No interventions. I met Mary Bifoss. Her dad was the coach at our school and she had a bunch of brothers like I did. We hung out. Meltdowns over.

Now, you might be thinking at this point my meltdown was over shyness and not being around many people before school, but you'd be wrong. That's the problem with assumptions, especially when it comes to Aspies who don't say much, give off all the wrong non-verbal (or at least some to a considerable amount). I mean how could you really figure it out unless we told you. That's just silly that anyone is ever told that.

So, here's what happened. When I was growing up I had all brothers and only knew little boys. I hadn't met any little girls yet (unless you want to count cousins once a week, but I didn't talk to them because I wasn't used to girls). I ran around without my shirt on just like the boys and no one said anything because I was young. (I even tried to pee standing up, but no one told my mom that LOL) When I went to school we had to wear dresses. I hadn't except for a few pictures and as a baby. I didn't understand why I had to wear one now. I hated them. I didn't understand why I had to keep my shirt on and took it off every chance I got. I was in the "Not Quite Ready For Kindergarten Players." Because I hated the dress and the dress started with school, I hated school. Pure and simple. Meltdown. Of course all those bizarre, noisy, moving children freaked me out as well, but I was stuck on the dress. Oh! And they wouldn't let me fight with boys. BIG PROBLEMS.

I can just imagine what they would do to me today. Probably send me to a shrink and put me on drugs. All I really needed was another tomboy friend who understood my dress trauma. Mary fit the bill. AND she beat up the boys too. Her parents moved away after kindergarten and my next best friend was a boy. And the next one. It was third grade before I had "girl" friends who were normal. They showed me the ropes after that.

How did we survive? We figured out how to fit in. If Ubby is fighting, don't put up with it. I'm not sure any of the Dinos had mothers like that. My mom in particular would have smacked me a good one and then drove me to their house to apologize. However, if I fought because I was picked on, watch out! She had (and still does) a vicious tongue. She might smack us, but no one else could. She would go after their parents and make the kid apologize. I'm not even sure you could be like my mom now and get away with it, although she does in that little town. I guess I grew up knowing when I was wrong, but that she would defend me if they were wrong (except about dresses LOL). We did live an extremely structured life of rules and right and wrong. Maybe that's the difference, Nana. It's so hard to say. The way they treat kids now is so vastly different and I honestly think Aspies related better to the old way with it's clear rules, guidelines and punishments. It was easier to understand.

Just like with a normal kid, you need to get to the heart of why Ubby is fighting. Where is his brother when this happens? Does he know what happened? My brothers would have stepped in if something like that was going down. Maybe it will be easier to get out of the brother the specific events leading up to the fight. You need to get a feel for what really happened and your NT experiences and reading of Ubby may not help you at all. They may convolute it. Try closing your eyes when you talk to him and force yourself to hear only what he says. Do not guess. We learn fast to just agree. Tell him to try to picture that like a movie in his head and tell you what he sees. Don't react. Just let him recount it. Don't freak out when he does it with no emotion. Just let him tell it. What is motivating him may surprise you. He may just be mad that he told them a fact and they tried to dispute it. Many things could be going on and most of them won't even occur to you. So level the playing field and let him tell you. DON'T get emotional or talk. Stay silent, close your eyes and listen. Remember, what you know is a handicap in communicating with Ubby, so you have to let it go.

I don't know what to tell you about all the interventions. What I'm seeing on here isn't giving me good feelings, but science needs to look at that and not educators and shrinks who have too much of their paycheck invested in it working. I do know they don't even look at us to see how we survived or if those kids are doing better. I don't get a good feeling about studies like that. That's mostly our issue with the parents. Some of us try to help and they don't want to hear it because it's "so bad for them that we can't understand it" or "we don't know how it is now" or "we aren't a parent so we don't know." Or ten other things like that. We don't feel they will listen, so we don't talk to them.

What I will say is this, do not buy into this propaganda that Ubby must act and become NT to be happy. The most unhappy Aspies I have seen on here are the ones who try to force themselves to act NT and think that's the only way to happiness. They will NEVER be NT. They can pretend and somewhat pass and they will feel even more isolated and alone than before. That's because they know they will never be NT. They know it's all a pretense and a house a cards that will collapse on their heads. That's what it does. The minute someone actually knows them, the pretense is over and the problems begin. What is wrong with saying they are different? They ARE different. They will never be the same. There, the monster is out of the closet. Everyone take a good long look at it. There it is. We can learn to communicate but it takes letting go of a lot on both sides and doing things that are unnatural to us both. But it all starts with understanding that will never be the same and respecting that an Aspie does not need to pretend or act NT. It's okay for us to be ourselves.

Asperger's has become big business. A healthy dose of skepticism about why that is will go a long way. It's just the new ADHD and ADD they want to drug and talk to death to make money. They aren't all bad, but they aren't all pure in their motivations either.

Luck Merle! May the whole universe align to assist you (along with moving dude!).

a romantic nature, that's surely nice

i like the rythm and the atmosphere of it

what is ASD? Is it dangerous?

thanks prof for the compliment but the picture is 15 years old...

Hm. What happened to yesterday? To quote, "I believe in yesterday" - doesn't seem to work. Fifteen pages of catchup.

Sorry all, for being stupid. I seem to have broken my browser. I made the mistake of updating XP this morning. I thought I'd load some updated extensions. One has wrecked Seamonkey. Hey! I'm the expert. When I wreck something, it stays wrecked!

Updated the whole Linus OS the day before yesterday, no problem. Touch one program today and get tenth degree burns.

I think non-virtual coffee is called for.

PS. Postpaleo... how do you do it? I think I detect a little "innuendo" in your posts, which may be my misinterpretation. It's almost invariably subtle enough that you have to be 40+ to detect it, or am I wrong again? Anyway... I think you did no wrong.

Here I go too. I'm a furious defender of the rights of anyone on (in) here to say whatever they like, but I think we all stick to following Alex's rules. I've just thought about what I'm typing here, and decided to stop. I really do want to go on and on, but I won't.

The Flame Warriors site is brilliant. Thanks Merle(?).

ASD is Autism Spectrum Disorder so it's the whole spectrum.

What I was trying to say with the picture is that you have a face like a little kid despite the age, if that makes sense. I did know the picture was from sometime in the past, but you have the look and I'm not really certain how to write that adequately.

That's what happened yesterday. For days we go along fine and yesterday what we talked about went to crap. There was interference in the space continuum. That's all.

Experience the upset (learn what you can) and release.

Yesterday is gone. We can only go on from here with what we know.

good question, Lemon.

I have another. . . when I did an ASD test, it asked specifically if "do you have a small mouth."
I mention it because I do have a small mouth. It didn't ask if I had a 'big foot' or a 'wonky knee' or any other such body part. So I was wondering, Does any one here think they have a small mouth?

Merle

Damn STRAIGHT it was Merle! I am as proud of that site as if I had wrote it myself!

-------------------> merle<------------------------

brought you that site and there WILL be a quiz!


Merle

I know that I do. I have big lips though so it's not always noticeable. Dentists have told me over and over that I have a small mouth. They told me to use a child's toothbrush, not an adult one. They also have to use a child size appliance to take casts if they have to make me a crown or a mouth guard. When people emote to me, I take it out on my teeth and have since I was a kid. Anyway, yes, I do have a small mouth, small teeth and small roots on those teeth. I know they didn't say anything about that, but I bet it's related.

You should read what some of them post! Too much or not enough head banging if you ask me.

Postie's point is valid.

I think that's where the confusion came in. We all took in context to what we've seen in love and dating (forget the adult forum, I don't go there) and in my case the women's forum. Just based on that I figured he was talking about those posts and making a commentary on how they just need to relax and it will happen. Of course I missed the electrical appliance reference. I really need to turn on the television or something. I miss a lot.

Hey, I got the reference to electrical appliances! And I understand that if you can help yourself from suffering from sexual frustration there is releif and you can give it to yourself.
non treated sexual frustration that is taught that only an "OTHER" can somehow satisfy is just setting up people with serial relationships and marriages.

How in the WORLD can you be prepared for a sexual relationship with another if you can't learn how to take care of yourself sexually. What a burden that puts on the other person.
what a cop out for yourself! My sexual satisfaction is not someone elses responsibility! If I can't extract that from any relationship I may have, I am just taking dog paddle lessons on the Titanic.

the idea that a grown man saying that to a young girl would not be my first choice, either, however, when confronted by such a thing I just might want to discuss it with the person saying it to find out if I am just projecting that on what the other person was saying. FIRST before I would dictate terms, call some one names and instruct them on how to be a better person (in my eyes) and conform to some moral norm I mistakenly think is universal.

but then, you milage may vary.

Merle

Wasn't he pretend saying that to the young guys who whine on here? Actually, I don't see that many girls on here with the same problem, which goes back to what we've been saying that girls seem to be treated differently on average than guys with AS. I never saw or thought that it was directed at an imaginary female or intended to be taken as such.

Merle, the euphemism lost me. I know what a vibrator is! LOL I just never heard it referred to as an electrical appliance. To me that is a stove, refrigerator, toaster, etc. This goes back to you have to say what you mean with me or it goes right over my head. Whoosh! The NTs probably do it to me intentionally to get a laugh, but I don't know so I don't care. I get a good laugh out of some of the things they do on a regular basis as well. It all works out.

And anyway, I am sticking to my initial reading that Post was telling them to go take apart the toaster and figure out how it worked until they calmed down enough to actually meet a girl and go from there. I like my version better, so I'm sticking with it.


Disclaimer: No PostPaleos, Cosmiccats or young Aspies were hurt in the making of this version of the story.

Gack, I am hot and sweaty and need a shower, and the moving dude is coming over at 1:00 and I am picking up the truck at noon. I just realized I pulled all the packing boxes around my bed and that is the FIRST thing I need to put into the truck and if I move them there is no room to take the bed OUT ... and I found my sleeping bag and the air matress has a big hole in it so it's the floor tonight. . .
my cat has taken residence up on the refridgerator, and I am hearing ringing in my ears even though I have my Kerioke CD of Fleetwood Mac's Greatest hits going full blast.
geeze that Stevie Nicks sings in some odd key! I sound like a frog.

Merle