The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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Gang:

I am grateful that this site is available. I have been dating an a woman with AS for the past 8 months or so and she finally told be about her DX a little over a week ago. In fact, she told me right after I told her that I did not think we should date any longer. Needless to say, when she told me I did not have a clue about AS. As you can imagine, being new to AS I have been reading anything and everything I can get my hands on to learn more about this whole new AS world. I told her that everything up to this point in our relationship now made sense and that up to then I was asking her to do things that I thought anyone would surely understand. Now that it has been 10 days or so the shock is slowly wearing off and I am beginning to see my GF in a whole new and refreshing light. Although we have lots to learn about one another, I am hopeful that we can grow from this new knowledge. Does any one have suggestions on how an NT can best approach a relationship with a woman having AS? Thank you.

My best suggestion? Ask yourself if the woman you see now (knowing that her difficulties with communication stem from her autism, not a deliberate refusal to understand) is someone you can be with over the long term. She's not going to "get better", although with your assistance she might learn some better coping mechanisms.

When you ask yourself this, don't expect the answer to come right away. It's okay to take a few days to think it over. (I know most NTs expect the answer to such a question to "just come to them", and think that if it's not an immediate "yes" it must be "no" - but this is a false belief. Many important questions take time to answer correctly.)

And like ZanneMarie said, use your head more than your heart. She's probably going to be thinking more than feeling, and if you invert that ratio, the two of you will never quite link up. Remember also, though, that there's one good side effect - once we give our loyalty to someone, it takes one hell of a lot to change that.

To the new guy:
Good on ya for trying to figure it out, and for wanting to do what you can to make it work! That's tremendous.

I've been with my not-quite-NT bedmate for 4 years. We found out I was autistic about 2 years ago. It has made a huge difference, knowing. Our relationship is much better. The more I understand myself and how hypersensitive my nervous system is and what exactly my social deficits are, as well as my strengths, the better we relate. And he has read stuff and come to understand me more. Just the other night he told me that he thinks things are much better now, since the 'aha' moment. So have hope. And keep trying to understand, you both might just make it, and you'll start to see her wonderful qualities! Aspies are quite loyal and honest, for one thing.

There are tons of books on amazon, just search for asperger. You can order them through your library if you're cheap.

There's also a lot of stuff on the net.

OASIS is a good place to start.

I do hope Serious drops by and gives us an update.
Seems like her situation is going from bad to worse.

Thank you all for the support and suggestions. Thinking first, then feeling is a great way of approaching it. I understand that she will not change, and I don't want her too - but she mentioned to me that it is helpful for me to first tell her what to fix or address, and then, after that, tell her how I feel. She agreed that she may not connect with all of my feelings, but it is much better for her to first hear the solution to a problem / disagreement, and then tell her how I feel, so that she does not get too bogged down at the beginning. That one suggestion from her has helped a lot already. A funny thing is, I now see NTs like me as somewhat high maintenance in this regard - ironic don't you think.

Thanks again.

Serious seems to be doing well. I think she posted an update in another thread.

Dinkster: I've always considered myself a low-maintenance girlfriend/wife because of that. Thank you for pointing out a way we aspies can feel better about ourselves and our ability to have a relationship. You sound like a great guy to have as a boyfriend, I hope she appreciates you.
BTW, has she discovered the wonders of this site yet?

YOUR moving out???Uhm,arent you the one taking care of the house and kids while he is "getting in touch with his non-emotions"?Please dont do this.That place is yours.....he has managed to find a place to lay his head while running out,why does he get to keep the house?Surly all you have done while he was "Ill" gives you legal presidense.Please,please,dont do anything without a lawyer....I am saying this at risk of pissing you off because I watched 2 of my sisters get screwed over during divorces because their "pride" would not let them take anything from their spouses......YOu have kids,do it for them and their stability....please.

Understood and good for you!! Onward and upward! You are in my thoughts!

Krex, the kids and I don't like living here anyway. We want to move to town and my son doesn't drive so he wants a pedestrian friendly area. It is a good thing, not a bad thing. Maybe I should call one of my lawyer boyfriends I used to date (ha, ha). I'm not abdicating anything, but I need a change of scenery.

Thanks for all the support, guys!

What is going on with your insurance?

OK....just dont sign anything without a lawyer.I am not kidding my sisters both signed away everything,including visitation rights for one of their sons....it was really hard to watch and not be able to get through to them.

Insurence.I think it is going to go alright.I had to miss some sleep and get worked up into a lather for a day but finnaly went over my managers head(had been avoiding because I didnt want her to be mad).Her manager was very helpful and she called me the day after I had talked to him and said that she had given him the stuff to fax in.I was almost laughing at her when she claimed.....it wasnt her fault and she couldnt do anything because she couldnt get into that part of the computer system....fricken moron.I had already talked to "corprate" and they said all she had to do was fax in my change in status,which she didnt t do until her manager told her to....

I am going to give her a "guide to managing employees with AS",that I copied from on-line.I want her to get the message loud and clear...dont mess with me,unless you want to deal with a discrimination law suit....Thats it,am done being screwed around in jobs.I am a hard worker and dont deserve to be treated like crap........which brings us back to you.....neither do you.

Don't. forget the years you helped support him when it comes down to a settlement.The cost to him of having someone doing the cooking or cleaning(if you do).My sister acted like,because she didnt have a job when she was married ,that she didnt deserve anything.She did everyting in the house and raised 4 kids to adulthood....she deserved something.My other sister was a free secretary for her spouses business....she got nothing....pisses me off.