The Dino-Aspie Cafe (for Those 40+... or feeling creaky)

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Yay, Blessed! I'm so glad you are feeling better.

How is your marriage dysfunctional? Don't mean to pry, but genuinely care....

what are your suggestions for helping AS kids have a better time in school, SG? Someone might ask me some day and I would like to actually be helpful and make a difference.

respectfully,
Merle

I don't mind the question. My hubby and I relate to each other differently than most other couples that I know. I am very much the one in control, even though I respect his feelings and thoughts. He has always let me decide everything. It is very difficult for him to advocate for himself. He is almost like a child when it comes to certain situations. He also has meltdowns where he will say things to me that would make most women freak. I know that he is in a position where he doesn't know how to deal so he lashes at me. My sons do, too. I do not take it personally, and if they cross the line to being mean, I can be quite harsh and tough. No one understands it but me and them. He signs his valentine cards, "Respectfully yours, first and last name or With deepest regard, first and last name". I find it amusing. I know he loves me because he makes me my evening bagel every night at 9:00 pm and phones me every day after work to find out what I need from the grocery store.
He also puts up with my eccentric behaviours and non-stop chatter. I tend to lose it over things like the dishwasher not being loaded EXACTLY the way I like it and he just gives me the same blank look that Donald gives Izzie. He lets me keep my yarn collection where I can see it because it gives me comfort. His brother and sister told him to "make" me hide it in the basement. He just looked at them and smiled. He knows that I do not like to be touched so he asks before he touches me, even on the shoulder which really annoys his mother. We have some pretty insulting arguments that would be the divorce of most people but we both can be very tactless and don't see the point in mincing words so why be nice when you don't mean it.
To most people our relationship would be considered very dysfunctional but we would never be apart.

SG, I loved your responses in the parent forum. It was exactly what my mother in her wiser years would have said.

I don't get the catastrophizing from these people. Have they led such charmed lives that AS is like a death sentence or punishment? Or maybe it's my AS talking. I just thought from reading what the parent said that she obviously was letting the small stuff get to her, and not doing what she needed to do. She hadn't read many books, if any. She hadn't talked to people at the school. She hadn't gotten her ducks in a row. And where was Hubby in all of this? I think someone (I don't dare go look-I'll lose my post) was right. She wanted to piss and moan. It just seems like a waste of time. None of us get out of this universe alive.

Pantywaists. Heehee.

Some of those parents need a sense of humor transplant. While some parents seem to be focused on their AS child, all I sense is "woe is me." It's egocentric. I see this in other areas of life. My mother once gave me a mug when I was struggling with these types, and the bully types I still experienced on the job: "Don't let the bastards get you down."

Blessedmom, you are so patient. In that forum, you and SG are two sides of the same coin--one patient and to the point, and the other TO THE POINT, NOW. I am learning a lot I can pass on to my sister, thanks to you and SeriousGirl.

Metta, Rjaye

I've wondered this same thing. My esteemed employer provided the answer. Young people these days want 'the lifestyle.' They spend oodles of money on the right house in the right neighborhood, the right auto to drive, the right phone to gab into all the time, the right dog, and so on. They have no spiritual life, and are totally self-centered. When they have a child, they have plans for how it will be the right child, and do the right things at the right time, and achieve the right achievements so as to make them look like the right parents. If they have an autistic child, it's a tragedy. The kid isn't right, doesn't do the right things, etc. It's bloody awful. Oh, they moan, how could this happen to people who are as right as we are ??? The mum cries to the sky, oh how terrible this is, how this reflects on her so terribly ! !! Then she reads a book or two, and becomes an advice dispenser, even though her kid is miserable all the time, because she rejects the idea of different being capable of being good. DIFFERENT is a CURSE. SAME is what she CRAVES. ROTTEN KID ! !! You ruined my right image ! !! !!

Well, I've got some advice for any parents that want to hear it, gleaned from my own childhood (with a relatively happy life at home, despite the rest of the world) and from raising my daughter:

Let your kid stim. Don't force him/her to look you in the eye (be honest, you probably don't enjoy it either!). If he/she reports that an article of clothing is uncomfortable, don't make them wear it anyway, especially if you want to do it because the clothes "look good". Same for any food they don't like - they might develop a taste for it later (I loathed broccoli as a child - it tasted too green - but as an adult, I've come to terms with that, especially when instead of being boiled, it's steamed and buttered. What can I say, my mother-in-law is one hell of a cook!), but probably not if they associate it with being forced to eat it (part of why I hate brussels sprouts still).

Basically, there are some parts of the spectrum that you can't fight successfully, because they have to do with how the brain is wired. Trying to do so will only exhaust you, and piss your kid off. Learn to adapt, instead. Try to show him/her some stims that won't freak people out (drumming your fingers, for instance - it can help, especially if you're tapping out the rhythms to a favorite song, and most people don't look twice at it).

And most importantly, love the child you have, not the child you dreamed of before he/she was born. After all, even NT kids don't usually turn out like the ads on TV...

Rjaye, I suppose I was cocked and loaded for that reply.

But, I can't imagine not devouring the Attwood book and trying to figure out something more important than how to get him to brush his teeth without a tantrum. If she thinks he has anger issues now, just wait until he is 12. I just want to scream Get a Clue!

Merle, I will write something up borne of my experience of 15 years of dealing with autistic kids in school.

Blessed, your relationship doesn't sound dysfunctional if everyone is happy. Dysfunctional relationships are stagnant.

Right now, your relationship sounds better than mine .....

Where did ZanneMarie run off to?

ZanneMarie was on her way to Oahu last I heard. I wish I was in her suitcase. I haven't been there and with all these Aspie's who hate to travel, it may never happen. They have been told that we are going to Ireland within the next 5 years and they don't have a choice but they all like Irish history ( I used to tell them Irish folktales when they were little) so I think it will be okay.
It is very quiet in here without Zanne. I wonder if she took Coffee Dude with her.

Blessed, I took mine to St. John, USVI and they loved it. The island is 2/3 deserted and protected by a national park. We fed the iguanas every day and went snorkeling and watched Parrotfish poop sand. Did you know that beaches are created by Parrotfish poop?

They've also been to St. Croix, Mexico, and Florida several times. It really wasn't traumatic, which surprised me!

Hey, I want to go to Maui!

Oh, Coffee Dude is gone. We need Cabana Boy to take his place.

Who wants to be our Cabana Boy?

*VERY LOUD CHEER*

I've still got an axe to grind with that outfit, I'm not a happy camper. It's the spreading of the hope. Don't whisper prayers for the dying, give em some meat and pudding. Their idea of coming from abuse, needs to have their eyes pointed here, badly. Ok, ok, I'll calm down in a minute. That Bill W. guy? He saw god. Hell us minor wizards can only summon a few demons on a good day. Christ he didn't even say please. You ever see what they had him on when he saw God? My god in my druggie days I would have paid big money to get those drugs. I would have seen god too. Ok, ok, I'll really calm down. Whew, that one stirred me up a bit.

Very well put about the mirror, I use that one a lot myself, when trying to lend a hand.

I know for certain that I would be taking my kids to any place tropical by myself. Hubby starts to complain when the temperature hits 18 celsius (I'm sorry I don't know what that is in Farenheit off-hand ) If he had his way we would live in the Yukon or Alaska. His parents go to Arizona every December - February and he says that's what we will do. Can't imagine it will happen.

Does everyone in your family snorkel and dive? We live in the middle of the bald prairie so we're lucky if we see minnow in a creek! I was raised in British Columbia on the coast and then in the Okanagan. We spent all of our summers diving and swimming in the lakes. I would move back in a minute if Hubby didn't have a career here.

What colour is parrotfish poop sand? Have you got a picture of that?

Haven't read the thread. However what you say is very true, and most certaintly the better method. Sometimes you've got to step on a few toes to plant the seed. I don't take prisoners and I do step on toes. In fishing terms that would be catch and release. I do not look at it as a sport however. No one asked for my advice either

Yes, we all snorkel, but daughter doesn't dive. She wants to freedive, always has to be the different one.

Parrotfish eat coral and poop white sand. Much of the sand on the beaches of the Caribbean was made by the beautiful Parrotfish (which come in all colors):



I like to follow them around watching them eat and poop. They make a tremendous noise under there crunching and grinding coral. The biggest Parrotfish are about 4 feet long, most of them are much smaller. They also change sexes as adults, if they live long enough. The older females will become dominant males.

Brrrrrr. That is drysuit diving. Cold water up there. I've dived around Seattle a couple of times and played with the Wolf Eels (my favorites)