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Why do husbands need to be trained? I think it is better to marry someone you are happy with at the start, rather than someone you feel you need to train in order to be satisfied with them.

There's a somewhat proverbial saying, that goes something like this: "A man marries a woman, hoping that she will not change. A woman marries a man, hoping that he will change. They both are going to be disappointed in their hopes."

True. Given it is said a lot you'd think people would make a better effort to find someone they are happy with at the start.

Ok... sorry for the confusing message. Here's my lessons from life.

1. You Don't/Can't Change People
I spent too much time on the computer and I loved movies ... and I hated real estate etc when I was growing up. I still do. My wife married me knowing that and she can't (and shouldn't try to) change me.

Maybe I spend less time on the computer these days but I still spend too much time there. I'm still me and I haven't changed in that regard. Similarly, my wife is still the woman with the same faults and brilliance that I married.

2. Husbands and Wives need to be Trained
Before I was married, I don't think that I'd ever cleaned a toilet. They were always clean. I knew how to clean my room but I didn't know how to do a lot of other everyday chores. When you move out of home, you have to learn these things. Sometimes if your partner comes from a background where they've done these things before, they can train you. Sometimes you both have to work it out yourselves.

This isn't changing you. This is training (for the new job - the job of the partner).

I trained my non-coffee drinking wife to make coffee for guests if I'm not home and the need arises.
She trained me to remember to offer it.

Ok I understand what you mean now. I usually refer to it as "compromising" with your partner not being "trained" by them however. For example, if I lived alone I would clean a lot less and have much less variety in what I eat. Given I live with my partner and he is much neater and prefers more food, I have to clean better when it is my turn and eat the weird things he cooks. He in turn, doesn't complain if my cleaning is not as good as his and doesn't kick up a fuss if I flat out refuse some food as he knows I make an effort most of the time to eat what he cooks. So, it is compromising. I would feel uncomfortable if my partner said he was training me...

At age 24, I'd have been uncomfortable with the concept too but now I know what it is.

Compromising is when you already know how to do something and you (grudgingly) agree to do it.

Training is when you've got no concept that the job needs to be done (in my case, cleaning toilets, being verbally empathetic, thinking to get bread and milk whenever I go to the shops for any other groceries etc).

I used to be the SAME way, but the idea of "rarely thinking of [others]" was just PERCEPTION!



i am the SAME way! The idea of not seeming to care is because I once cared TOO MUCH!



I don't know about THAT stuff, but could see it being related to the other stuff. He may even not feel right about doing anything with your stuff. HEY, most wives complain about their husbands NOT doing such things AT ALL!



Who knows, but I am similar now.



I've been the same.

In short, I think it is related to AS! As for the rest you mentioned? There is a book I could write in my sleep, but keep putting off. I used to LOVE programming, and worked on a program for a while and OTHERS bragged about it. They ADVERTISED it, with NO recompense! They recommended it, etc.... I used to LOVE the idea of modifying such things. I had a chance to become RICH! Alas, I kpet putting it off, and still have.

So I guess I am the same way. Many here and other sites have taloked about "inertia". On ASDgestalt, one person even said "autistic inertia".

Ok to Natesmom firstly

OK Now the cat is out the bloody bag you reveal you're full hand

ok firstly YOU'RE A PSYCHOLOGIST, you should be pretty much able to make a judgement call
then your son's aspergic
this changes a lot and as well that you knew each other for 8 years yarda yarda yarda blah blah blah

Firstly your first post was so grey it makes your husband look like he has classic OCD also I noticed from a prevous poster that stuff you have said is really misconstrewed because you said about him not botherin with your eldest son or something along that lines or you're son not approaching him or something like that, something about paper airplanes anyways.

Firstly WE CAN ONLY MAKE JUDGEMENTS on what we read WE ARE NOT PSYCHIC you could of actually said that you're a psychologist as that is quite ruiditmentry to the opinion and changes people's reactions. You give us this story of three - 4 paragraphs of FOLDING things how can we judge autism upon that

before you actually flame people who merely gave their opinion think of what you actually written and why you are getting very black and white responses firstly you should know with aspergers WE HATE BLOODY GREY

and quite frankly by your original post you made yourself look very NT and unaware of aspergers so actually grant some facts not just lines about folding things and actually give sme data it changes feedback dramatically.

And finally I am 21 not 40 something so my experiences with marriage quite frankly an arbituary system is very ill as I am only 21 you could reply by clicking on the user checking their age then reply less Callously

First of all, compromise. What I learned today, is that in order to make this work I do have to give him very specific lists not just expect general. I need to realize there are some very big difficulties for him.

For example, when I asked him to make cookies from a box, it took him over an hour because not everything was told to him on the directions.
The directions didn't tell him how much cookie dough to put on the spoon, how far apart to put the cookies on the sheet, how to do the buter (melt it first), etc. I began to realize that cooking more than that would be pretty much impossible for him. Expecting him to do cooking with longer directions would provide so much anxiety.

It took me six months for him to come on here and just read. He read a little, decided to post and that was that. He was interested for a day. I have told him how frustrating it is for me. I don't speak in "emotional language" I speak factual. I get really detailed. He knows I am on this forum. One time he told me, I am probably AS but I don't need that forum.

I have frequently discussed my husband throughout these forums for quite sometime - mostly very very positive. I just wanted to get some help.
For those who don't know, I will explain his symptoms only because I feel people are questioning me, which frankly bothers the heck out of me because I have been on here for a while.

Here:
When we talk, he often says thing that you all say here. He is very monotone in his conversations, says maybe one or two words when we are around other people, he has always been independent (that really attracted me to him - going alone to basketball games! I loved it!!), he rarely makes eye contact, can't read social cues at all, has a great inability to put himself in others shoes, has problem empathizing and has great difficulty talking to others if it doesn't involve politics or computers - even with me. He sometimes gets so anxious due to these difficulties, he can't function.

His interests are extremely limited but when he finds an interest, he becomes expert, Conversations are usually one sided and when he is talking about his interest, I listen for at least an hour (that's fine as I learn a lot). talking with others, it is also one sided. He just has difficulty with picking up on nonverbal and social cues, even when someone is uninterested. He has a very flat affect. You never know if he is happy, upset, neutral - he always has the same expression. When our youngest NT child desires that smile or that acknowledgment of some kind, I have to whisper to my husband "smile" or "say.... to him." My husband really appreciates the extra help, and I gladly give it to him.

He is extremely gifted overall IQ 145+, topped out on the WAIS. His rote memory is impeccable (good thing become my memory sucks). He has often gone through depression, sever depression, due to his lack of ability to connect with others. We have often talked about how alone he feels - he does like talking with me about these things and I love to listen. WHen he is in a crowd, he sits back and listen to people talk the whole time. He is really bored, though. I can't blame him. I feel bad for him because he can't relate to the superficial (sometimes stupid) conversations that others talk about. He can't wait to get home to talk to me about his interests or have his time to unwind.

I give him about two hours on the computer when he gets home because he needs that time! I am not overbearing at all.

He is extremely sensitive to noises but so am I (ADHD). He is unable to go to a restaurant with our two kids and talk. It is just too much for him. Exremely sensitive to bright light.

His greatest difficulty at work is knowing when to jump into conversations. He states that people just talk over people and it's hard to know when to talk. They interupt and that who social interaction thing is just too difficult to understand. He then jumps into the conversation by saying, "Can I talk now?" while being pretty abrupt. He doesn't understand the emotions of others around him unless you verbally tell him. If they are upset, he doesn't know what to say at all ( a lot of guys don't, though - pretty typical). He has told me he can't put himself in others shoes at all. He feels this complete lack of ability to empathize what they are going through because he is not going through it at the moment.

He has a strong desire for friends and gets depressed because he can't relate to anyone. It really hurts me. We attend a church with many people who are computer programmers and engineers so he has something to talk about with them. He went to a retreat and came home feeling extremely bad because it was different than church. No one seemed to want to talk with him. He didn't know how to just approach people/


He has a script in his head for many social interactions but has difficult when he can't get the correct script.

Discussing compromises: Being ADHD myself with extreme sensory and anxiety issues, I have to learn and be taught certain things as well. I need to force myself to care about certain things for the people I love. My youngest son )2 years old) can't stand any thing on the floor. He flips out if something gets on his foot or hands. If his food on the plate is touching or not a specific way, he doesn't eat. My six year old son is a little similar (AS) but needs a lot of structure (steps). So, being ADHD I needed help in those areas of organization - I still do. So, I have worked on it.

I just hope he gets to the point of wanting to understand AS and seeing what he can do to help and/or helping me know what I can do to help. I need to find that post he made