Dealing with Rage as an Adult

Post Reply New Topic

My dominant emotion through my life has been depression, not anger. But I definitely relate to those white-hot instant rages you all describe. For me they're pretty much limited to PMS time (which is fully half the month in my case.....). I've always associated it as a PMS symptom, being new to learning about AS, but I totally recognize myself in you all. My bf, who has never been the object of my rage but has witnessed it, says it's really terrifying to see.

Someone in this thread has a signature line that says "Spell meerkat with a C and I will stab you." Mm hmm. Stupidity/incompetence/persistent ignorance set me off. In an authority figure especially. Also if I think someone's behavior is unethical and I can't counter it. I really lose it when I feel like I'm at the mercy of Gotcha Capitalism. To fight it you have to be able and willing to make lots of phone calls (fail) and write lots of letters, and let nothing go undocumented. I cannot, and I feel so impotent, and I feel like they are so EVIL. The worst is those endless automated customer "support" phone loops when they make it almost impossible to get to a live human being. God pity the poor human being who finally picks up, cause by then I am absolutely vicious.

The only thing that helps is to realize
(a) that the person on the phone is just a peon, just an employee, not the source of the problem, does not personally deserve my rage (sometimes I will express my rage anyway but with apologies to the person acknowledging that I'm angry at their company, not them personally -- did this yesterday!);
(b) that I have been here before and recognize that even if anger is appropriate, this is not appropriate anger, it's insane rage; that I have a disorder (call it PMS or AS, either way the rage is disordered);
(c) that it doesn't get me what I want, it doesn't solve the problem I'm angry about, in fact it takes the focus off the wrong that's being done to me and overshadows it, I become the problem.

None of these stop the rage, but can help me to deflect it from the person I would otherwise take it out on, and/or cut it short sooner and apologize for losing control, so I can return the focus to my legitimate grievance. Sometimes it's enough, sometimes it's not.

I tend to have things pile up on top of one another and when there is finally one too many, I lose it. I guess I thought it was anger, but a therapist said perhaps it is really acute frustration. I think that may be true. When that one thing too many happens, it is like I go into a rage. I just can't handle anymore and do not know how to prevent the rage. In truth, I think that I stay anxious about having to deal with life - and life seems to be getting more and more difficult these days. Things often do not work correctly. Consumers are left having to get on the phone and punch a bunch of numbers to reach a human, etc.

I am trying to learn to stay calm, but it is really difficult. When I see that things frustrations are really piling up, I try to back off from them and calm down. Usually I am not successful, but I am trying. Am going to be working with a therapist to learn how to approach my frustrations in a manner that might prevent or lessen my blowups.

Yes yes. Thanks for this thread. This may sound like I am just talking about myself, but I am trying to help and work things out by relating to the OP's and others experiences, and sharing mine.

I start anger management counseling monday.

I have lost jobs, countless friendships, two important relationships and nearly one more important rleaitonship due to the insensitive level of criticism/fault-finding, the feeling of others being the enemy, and, when feeling backed into a corner (often by *forced* social interaction of the abysmal expereicne of going into a store, restaurant, etc) the wrath that requires me to say SOMETHING, right then and there, to PROVE SOMEONE WRONG.

I'm not physical, due to my relative size and soforth (although I have hit my own hand on my steering wheel so badly I have sprained it) but my memory and attention to detail make it very, very easy to notice mistakes; my rage gives me the momentary justification to point them out, often in the harshest way possible. Sometimes I know what people need to hear and simply don't say it, just to provoke an ugly reaction. I don't think this is related to AS in any way. It's just something I've learned to do. If I can tell someone wants to get away from me, I will simply move closer to them or push the issue. I get into a frame of mind where people are the enemy.

I have gravitated to a job which allows me to be combative on a daily basis. It allows me to make a living, but is making the pattern somewhat worse.

I agree with the above posts, too. Hatzofspace and also Curiosity's. Life takes a LOT more patience now then it ever seemed to before, and it's patience which I do not possess. Then again, sometimes getting a human is the worst thing possible.

I was given somewhat of an ultimatum by my boyfriend earlier this week. Or rather, he told me he thought I bordered on verbally abusive, and he didn't think he had the strength to deal with it. We then talked and I think he forgave me (although now I'm terrrified!) but one of the things I said in examining my motivations for saying cruel things to people is that I have a major, major inferiority complex.

I have found a lot of psychological tenets and self-help talk, talk therapy and counselor sessions laughable in the past. But right now, I plan on giving them a chance. It may be my last chance. I think positive talk is important, simply because it's what other people require. I guess positive self-talk/inner dialogue would also be necessary. The lifehack website has a list of 10 ways to be more positive, which I did not find to be shallow or shortsighted. Just google "lifehack how to be more positive" and you will find it.

BTW, I tried sertraline and it sent me over the edge. It is a very stimulating ssri, and I think i have a sensitivity to ssris. I was unable to eat or sleep well for the weeks/months that I took it, and I was taking it at a relatively low dose. It did not help my anger, and actually brought some suicidal ideation to the forefront. The only pharmaceuticals that work for me to reduce anxiety, so far, are lexapro and alprazolam. The side effects of both are frightening as well. Lexapro made me fall asleep in the middle of the day, driving or eating or smoking a cigarette. Alprazolam (xanax) is very effective, but only works short-term and a) tolerance builds fast and b) memory loss is common. I have not found it to be as addictive as people say. Then again, I always want more until I run out, then I want less. But I'm not searching online pharmacies or whoring myself on the street. It is simply becoming less effective over time, which is disappointing.

Anyway, enough about me.

This is a good thread. I get angry about stuff being out of place in my home, like when a family member doesn't put something in its proper place etc. I hate to go use something and not find it there. I am also obsessed with visual order as in seeing everything in it's place. I often have fits over things being out of place in my home or car.

I think my anger is getting worse because life is just harder these days. Things seem to break more often and mistakes are made constantly that consumers have to deal with. You have to call and punch a bunch of numbers to even try to get a human being. And frankly, it seems that many folks don't really seem to care about what their jobs and interactions like they used to. I find life much harder than even 10 years ago. People do not seem as friendly. More people seemed really stressed out.

So, all that stuff affects me. It seems like I can take one thing and then maybe another thing that goes wrong, but by the third or fourth thing within a few days, I start yelling because I am so frustrated and cannot seem to be rational enough any longer to be able to deal with all the difficulties I am facing.

I am trying to practice a few things regularly so that when I started getting really stressed I can eventually learn to stop myself from going to that really bad place where everything seems so huge that they are overwhelming and cannot be fixed. When I get past the anger and calm down, I can see how irrational I felt. So, for me, it is trying to learn to prevent myself from reaching the boiling point. I still am not there, but am working toward it.

Suspended three times at work, currently on a leave of absence. I bottle things up, & the rage usually ends up coming out at work on a coworker. I am afraid I will not have a job at the end of my leave.

I am 39 and have had only one girlfriend. That relationship ended about 8 years ago. I am currently in intensive outpatient counseling, but afraid it will not help the rage/anger boiling inside of me.

Gonna try meditation, will see how it pans out.

The only thing who gets me angry are people very close to me, and to some exent (but not as bad my computer (lol)

I also try to calm down because since I only recently had outburst of anger I was a bit ashamed to be behaving like an angry kid..

I have found rage and anger build and need a pressure relief valve.

I love my wave master punching bag. If I have a really bad day, I work it for 45 minutes then I am so tired and drained I am no longer in the red line area of anger. (Please take a karate class to learn to punch so you don't damage your wrist first)

I know the following is only going to work in the US And there are a lot of people out there in other locations, but ...
I also go to the shooting range and go through a box of ammo every few weeks. It may sound like this is dangerous, but read the letter of advice on here about Aspies and Karate, it is good. When you fully understand the results of your actions, you are less likely to do them by accident.

Voilence is something that rarely comes out by accident when you master it. When you master force, you don't flip your lid and do something stupid. It is totally counter intuitive, but when you have total understanding of what you can do if you lose control, it helps you retain control. It adds a responsability to you that most people respond to (NT and non-NT). I will amend this to say if you are a sociopath and don't feel burning regret when you hurt others after the fact, ignore this post.

If you think you need to prevent your rage issues from causing problems, find a release valve for it and use it. Other physically exhausting things like running, dancing, swimming etc ... might work too.

Most people that knew me in my childhood/teenage years are quite supprised to learn I am not in jail due to my rage issues, it is the one part of my life that I learned to control and haven't slipped on. I actually choose a path away from violence even when the situation would allow me to hurt someone that may deserve it now. It is perhaps my greatest (and only) total victory over my own nature.

My rages are partly what made my mom search for what is wrong with me. It is getting worse as I get older and life gets worse.