My wife wants to leave me because of my aspieness

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To begin with, my current wife has been with me nine years and I have only recently been diagnosed (less than a month) and our marriage is stronger than ever. That tells me that you AS may be an aggrevating factor, but certainly not the only reason. There are more than likely other reasons and she is avoiding discussing them by using your AS as a screen. She has more than likely been contemplating this for some time, possibly as long as a year.

Having said that, I empathize with you because I am twice divorced - and each ex-wife is more disfunctional than the other. Divorce is an emotional merry-go-round that never stops turning. It never slows down. It is the broadsword that evicerates the heart out of the person who is being rejected and children almost always are it's worse victims.

There are some support groups you can go to. I recommend Divorce Care - which is nation wide. It takes a biblical approach, but is not preachy and you can actually learn some good things from it. I know I did!

Next, you need to look after yourself. This is easier said than done. It takes time for reality to sink in but you may not have that time. But remember that divorce is adversarial action - in other words it's a war. You need to start thinking like a general. You need to start by establishing your own checking account at a seperate financial institution. Close any joint accounts. If you have children, you may want to plan for joint custody procedings and by all means consult a good attorney. Word of mouth is usually a good advertiser. Talk with some divorced people you know and find out who the good attorneys and the bad attorneys are.

Do you own property? Take steps to do everyting you can to secure full custody of it. If she tries to kick you out, file the divorce papers yourself and file a restraining order on her, forcing her out of the home. Possession is 9/10 of the law. If you absolutely have to leave, make plans to take the kids with you. Again, possession is 9/10 of the law. Believe me, she is already contemplating this and more.

Feel free to pm me. I can give you my e-mail address.

I will pray for you.

-Longshanks

Remember that battles are fought by scared men who would rather be someplace else. You will be scared and lonely. But you must be active.

The part a lot of people forget about is that BOTH sides need to change. The NT half has just as much of a responsibility to adjust as the Aspie side. For them to think they don't have to is self-centered and thoughtless.

And the congreagation said "Amen". Good post.

Focus on her all the time.


YOu do love her, correct?

Anyways, with a name like "Mr. Boob", you couldn't even pick up some 11-year-old girl.

Too late now. From now on I´ll only focus on myself, unless I am with my kids, then I´ll focus on them.

Regarding your comment about my nick, in case you are not familiar with the character of Mr Boob from the movie "Yellow submarine" by the Beatles I would recommend you to check it out . Or at least take a look at this clip.

Well done her...! The " in sickness and health" was just a lie then? What would she be doing if you had cancer or other life threatening illness ?

Seems she's got Aspiephobia. Similar to other people who dislike certain folk for what they are.
Don't the NT's tell us we have to accept other life styles and life choices? Well guess what, being an aspie is not a choice.

This is a form of finger pointing. Personally I would tell her..."Don't let the screen door hit you in butt on the way out."

Anyone who was fine up to the point where you 'have' something is not worth the trouble. Do yourself a favour and move on.

My ex was a manipulative, accusatory, deceitful, conniving thief. 12 years of marriage...10 years of hell. Me bitter...?...you bet your damn life I am !


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In my own experience of late, an NT person who "logically" knows (or has been informed of) a situation still has a very hard time adapting to it.

So if someone with AS comes off as mean, too terse, etc, the logic of knowing it's AS and NOT "being an a$$hole" is not enough.


I fear I am headed down this road soon.

This. It also applies to me and my +10 year marriage that ended before she even knew about Asperger's. (She didn't believe it existed until a doctor suspected my abducted son also has it.)

Some people are just selfish and want the moon (and expect their partner to provide it.) Then they get bent out of shape when they don't get what they want. Princess syndrome.

Maybe you don't need someone in your life like that. Someone who would dump you like whatever after ten years because you might have an issue you can't control anymore then a physical or genetic sickness. You can try to make it better and strive for a better day tomorrow but that is all we can do as human beings with all our unique failings. I promise you your wife and everyone has failings when you love someone those things don't matter and you make it work and the love makes things good and work, or so the story books lead me to believe.

Is your wife perfect? Does she have no faults? Are you a monster who deserves to be made to feel bad for who you are just because someone claims to love you with one hand and tells you that you must change or be cast aside on the other.

maybe I am bitter but maybe some women are as*holes.

There are billions of women in the world and many I am sure who would love you and care about you and not make you feel like s**t. Life is too short to let someone ruin it for you. If she wants to leave let her and move on because trust me even fat bald guys get women.

ok. I'm Aspie, been married 26 years, 4 children, marriage currently very good.

My advice;

1. realise deep inside she does want to love you. she does value the relationship. (check out e.g. http://www.thefemininewoman.com/ for how women are inside (spoiler; very, very different from us lol!); sign up to the email list to get regular reminders)

2. do loving actions. This may feel like 'going through the motions' to you, but it is real to her; the act of loving is an act (not a feeling)

- take her out on a date once every week. even if you don't talk about much (just ask about how her friends her, what's going on, plan Christmas etc) she will feel loved.

- support her in her interests e.g. drive her to the antiques centre; you can sit outside and read a book (you probably don't need to go in); she will still feel loved.

- spend time with her. e.g. walk the dog together every day. She needs time together interacting, talking

- you have very limited social capacity. If you have other big social loads, reduce them. e.g. maybe cut out some friend meetings, drinks after work etc.. You need to focus your resources on her.

- ask her for things; she loves to give; e.g. say you love a new favourite food, and be surprised when she dishes it up for you.

- do things she needs fast and well; e.g. when she mentions you never wash up, set yourself a diary reminder and wash up every day. When she mentions the fridge is broken, get on to getting it fixed or replaced straight away.

- let her love you. It's really nice being loved by a woman. and she wants to love you.

- be clear on what are her areas and what are yours. Never interfere in her areas. Never comment on her weight or diet. If she does holidays, let her do holidays. Etc etc.

- accept that she will 'over-ask' for you to do jobs, talk. beyond what is reasonable. this is part of her continually testing your commitment to the relationship, wanting to feel loved-up and sure that you are committed to her. just accept. it's part of the package, a continual element of tension.

- accept that the marriage will fluctuate; sometimes very good, sometimes tougher. it seems to be the way of things.

In other words taking actions, acting to a programme and structure (something we can do), can get this job done.

Let us know how it goes!
unlearningasperger.blogspot.co.uk