Deciding to cut family off/out of my life.

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BabyBird, I was sort of in the same situation as you growing up. Except...I had a family, they even went out of their way to choose me. However, as I grew up, I discovered that I really wasn't what they desired as "their" child. I'm not sure what they wanted, but it wasn't me. I figured it out by the way they treated me. I did my best ot comply unless what they wanted made me uncomfortable due to AS (unknown back then). I just wanted to have parents who liked me, I also wanted siblings. Well, my parents never did like me as a person, & they insisted the dog was my brother. It was a horrible situation that was made worse by lots of abuse. I really don't recommend it.

@MsMarginalized: Tried writing letters too...pouring out my feelings & letting my parents know how much I hurt because of lack of acceptance & abuse. All that did was fire them up, made them mad. I have since been called a liar. That I do nothing but fabricate stories to hurt them, & that my mother has been a wonderful mom. She's gone now. Won't be calling me a liar in front of my hubby or relatives anymore. That part is good. She never apologized about stuff that happened before she passed. Neither has my dad for that matter.

I don't really know what to say about your siblings. Being an only child, I only had to deal with the dog attacking & biting me as a kid. That was my dealing with sibling rivalry. So no adult advice on how to treat them or what to say. I guess in your position, I would spend as little time with any of them as possible. Try to be cordial, but nothing more. Obviously, none of them can be trusted. Sorry you are going through so much trouble. I don't know what possesses people to be so mean to one another, especially family. I've seen it with my parents' families, as well as some others. It can certainly be uncomfortable & ugly. So much tension, drama, & squabbling over stupid things. I don't blame you for one bit for steering clear of any of them...they sound truly toxic.

Best of luck!

Tomboy

I recently had to cut my mother out of my life. She's 77 and I'm 47. She lives very near me and isn't in great health and I used to go over and do everything for her. She's always been an attention seeker and always a victim. She loves to play the martyr and stir up drama in the family, and it's always something to make herself look good. Even if it's a lie, as it has been many times in the past.

I've put up with it as long as I could, and her last little incident was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm not going into the family drama, but when I told her something in confidence which was for her own protection, she immediately called the person whom it was about and told her, starting up a huge uproar and more animosity than you can imagine. Of course she did this because she was trying to "protect the reputation" of the girl in question. The girl in question stole $40,000 from my mother in law in one month, and at that time had my mother's bank card because she shopped for her. My mother in law has the bank records proving this, but won't press charges because the girl is common law married to my son. This girl sucks up to my mother constantly, so my mother wants to please her. My mother has also always done her best to hurt me in little ways all my life. This is not paranoia or overplaying something. She's lied about me to many people so that she will get sympathy from them. Outright lies, not even exaggerations.

So, myself, my husband, nor any of the three kids who live with me will have anything to do with her or speak to her. My son and his common law wife do, although they don't speak to us, nor do we speak to them. When they screw her over she will want our help, but will not get it. There are plenty of agencies for that out there.

It's a hard decision, but it's something you sometimes have to do for your own mental health. My mother is toxic. She has never been diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder before that I know of, not that she would tell me if she were, but she fits the criteria exactly.

I may never speak to or see her again. That's very sad, and very hard, but I've accepted it. I also may never see nor speak to my son again. I'd love for things to work out with him and be able to see him, but as long as he is with the girl he is with, who hates us all, it will not happen. I would see him on his own, if he wanted to, but he doesn't want anything to do with us. I stressed over it for a very long time, but not any longer. I refuse to make myself unhappy simply to feed someone else's pathology.

I am also a liberal democrat

Frances

You sound like a strong person oliveoilmom - that is a lot of people trouble to deal with. My daughter is with someone who hates me and I don't get to see her because of his influence over her.
My situation isn't quite that, but is beyond my understanding even after decades of the same patterns.
When I do think I have to do something about it, it shakes up the system of pecking order too much. Heaven forbid - how dare a low member challenge a high member. I responded to an insult in the wrong way - I don't know the careful, NT, socially accepted way to stand up to bullying in front of others.
So now it's looked at it like I've started a fight with a wealthy, powerful specially ranked person who everybody else treats like f------ royalty. What the heck am I supposed to do when being bullied and made fun of by the snotty, loaded, powerful person. If I've started something that will cause further trouble for me as someone told me, then that in itself is another threat. control, control, control.
edited

Well, the girl that my son is with has some serious mental issues. She wants to be the center of his life, which is a very normal thing. Her and the baby should be the center of his life. The problem comes in when she can't allow him to be around anyone else that he has attachments to. She wants herself and the baby to be the ONLY people that he loves.

My family is very close, and always have been. By that, I mean my immediate family, not my extended family or my husbands family. This girl knew how close we are because she was friends with my kids for years before they got together. Now she perceives us as a threat to them. She has systematically lied, picked fights, and cut us out of their lives one by one, starting with me. My Mother is the only one left that they have anything to do with, and it's because my Mother sucks up to the girl and the girl sucks up to my Mother. They both have that whole needy, attention seeking thing, and the urge to just trash other people and be the victim. Eventually, she will cut my Mother out too when she gets tired of doing things for her.

Then of course, my Mother will turn to me and my husband to help her out, but I'm sorry, that's not going to happen. There are plenty of agencies out there for elderly people with no family, and her own actions over the years have put her into that catagory. It's not like I haven't discussed this with her before. Although she trashes the girl behind her back with me all the time, or used to when I talked to her.

Oh well, you make your bed, then you have to lay in it. I guess my Mother will find that out.

Frances

Sad situation, and honestly it sounds like she'd be a b***h in any situation because she just seems to be one. It happens, but it doesn't excuse it. My only thought was to see a therapist/counselor. If you have a University near by they usually have low cost services. Personally, I'd drag her in there, turn the tables on her. Get her in a position where she's in a group of people, or at least a credentialed individual, who is going to be the one looking at here like "wow are you defective". Might not help, but might give you some sanity to see her bitchy idiocy laid bare in a clinical environment. Who knows, might help to have her out of her environment and power base. Might even be the smack up side the head that knocks her out of her current orbit.

Other than that, you have my sympathy. Protect yourself at all costs, and try to find some healthy support people in your life, easier said than done.

This. Just this. I couldn't agree more. They almost seem like an echo of my own thoughts. In an ideal world, to me, all human beings would be born alone into the world, without any predisposed links to any other humans.

I remembered this thread was here because it's Christmas, it's considered obligatory to spend Christmas with family, and I've been terrified for at least the last week now.

But I'll stay on topic to the thread. And wow, your experiences sound almost in the same vein as mine too, MsMarginalized.

I personally have no intention of cutting family out of my life. But I also tried writing a letter to my parents similar to what has been suggested in this thread, and got similar rabid responses. There was gossip, there was tittle-tattle, there was psychodrama, there was intrigue. The letter was addressed to my parents as they are the ones who had caused me so much anxiety and still do, but the most rabid person in the psychodrama was an aunt who got involved. Other aunts, plus uncles, were drafted in to bolster forces to help with the psychodrama too. So this is a course of action I wouldn't recommend to anyone, especially having read this thread and seeing what happened to other people.

Family gatherings have been mentioned too. Since writing my letters I was no longer invited to gatherings, or told about them. My parents do play mind tricks with me regarding gatherings though, usually by pointing out (after a gathering) that they had called or texted me to tell me they were on, therefore there apparently was no need for me to be absent. As far as I know, I was never told.

My contact with family is minimal because of the sort of stuff I have described above, although I'm in a state terrified about Christmas because of the social obligation that it's spent with family, because that's what is socially accepted. I think it is reasonable to limit contact with family as much as you can if they are causing you anxiety or distress, so I think you are doing the right thing MsMarginalized, and the least I can do is wish you all the best in being a hale and hearty person.

Well, thank you Keeno for your reply.

Before I would have said that there's no such a problem in my family with intrigue or gossip (the gossip probably exists, but I'm not aware of it so it's not my problem).

I did tell my Mom that me & my family have no interest in attending this years festivities. (told her we weren't in a position to afford presents & all plus the mess that big sister started) Dh hates the way my family treats me & our son has been bullied CONSTANTLY for years by his 2 older cousins. Our daughter is probably going to go...she knows she has to get herself there & back (hey, she had her lerners permit for over a YEAR, she refuses to take driving lessons & I don't ferry her around.)

All the sudden, my bitchy sister calls my husband up & tells him she has some medical problems & there probably won't be a party at Moms this year. (first off, I was a little bit mad at my husband for even answering her call). Then Mom calls me & tells me that she wants to help out with our gift giving. I told her she didn't have to & she protested, saying that it's Christmas & she wants to.

Then bitchy sister sends out an email. Inviting everyone to a very scaled back party with only a white elephant gift exchange, delivered pizza and some chick flick movie that my brother requested & then asking everyone to rsvp. This is a quote from her email: "If you want to come fine, if not that is fine too, but please let me know by the 30th whether or not you are coming." I don't plan on going OR rsvp'ing, either.

First rsvp she did get back was from brother "did not" (I knew he didn't request any movie...just manipulative b***h sister spreading more manure).

Next rsvp was from our family junkie. Won't get into THAT ball of wax; just to say that this year she's decided to run for Mommy of the year/next generations POLLYANNA and tell everyone how important it is for "families to stick together for the holidays, that she & her family wouldn't miss it for the world".

The last rsvp was from my (other) useless brother. Couple years back I lived on the same street. Asked him if he could help me out for a couple of hours but he said that I didn't give him enough "lead" time (I asked the morning I needed the help that afternoon). The next time I needed him for about 45 min. I was good enough to ask a week ahead of time....his reply then? I can't commit that far out. Anyways HIS reply was that he & his family would always be there and he hoped others would show.

Today he "accidently" pocket dialed me (he's NEVER called me & I was surprised that he even had my number) I didn't even get the notice of the missed call for 3 hours; when I called him back he went on & on about it being a pocket dial accident, so I said "ok, goodbye" and I hung up.

Have decided not to answer if any other of my dear siblings call. If they leave a voice mail, I'll listen to it but seriously DOUBT I'll have any reply. I'm just angry and want to be left alone. I'll get over the angry & am looking forward to NOT having to listen to the BS from bitchy sister, the "requests" (actually DEMANDS) from anther sister and the rest of the drama from the rest of 'em all.

In the above I mentioned that bitchy oldest sister called my husband & said (as an after thought) that it made me angry.

That was a little bit of an understatement. I was TOTALLY PISSED OFF at my sister & more than a little miffed at my own dh.

He says he understands why I'm cutting my family off and that he agrees. So, wtf is he doing talking to the manipulative, scheming b***h for? I asked him to NOT answer her future calls and in my last conversation with my Mom I asked her to please tell my sister to stop calling my husband.

(There's actually a precedent for this; after bitchy sister pulled her crap over the summer, I had an occassion to call HER husband to get a little bit of advice from his expert field. I left him a voice mail but he never replied....) so I get it but appearantly she doesn't.

I'm trying to cut off my dad and my step-mom from my life, but my mom is making that difficult for me. Throughout my childhood, my dad has been distant and my step-mom has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. My mom knows this, yet she keeps trying to guilt trip me into communicating with them.

My mum is more or less NT however is not the sharpest tool in the shed. My dad is a lower functioning Aspie than me but was in the right place at the right time during an era where high tech was hiring straight way right off the bloody street. My brother is a medium to low functioning Aspie who never achieved independence.

They failed to cash out their oversized house in an expensive district during a local real estate peak in order to move somewhere less expensive and with better services (especially for my brother).

Seeing me as being better off than my brother they let me raise myself and did not even try to teach me more than the most obvious aspects of normalcy. I guess in their eyes, my brother was the "abnormal" one and they incorrectly considered me to be NT.

In any case: The long terms plans are shyte and there has been no logic or difficult reckoning brought to bear. The future is black.

With my own rocky marriage and uncertain future I increasingly view them as an over ballasted ship heading into a hurricane. I may have to cut the ropes which lash me to the mast.

I've stopped seeing my mum and dad over the last few months.

Since my wife and I had kids, we had been seeing them about every month or two for the last 8 years or so. I never really looked forward to the visits and always found it a bit awkward and was pleased to get it out of the way.

I'm not very close to my parents although they have supported us rather well economically over the years. I knew my mother suffered from depression throughout her life and that knowledge has come more to the fore in recent months. I understand that she is basically ashamed of her psychological problems and she has never wanted to talk about it. My dad has been her only non-clinical outlet. My dad was always rather distant and I never really felt loved by him. I came out of my upbringing feeling a bit lost in the world and with quite low self-esteem, although I recognise that I did have some nurtured attributes with which I could help myself cope in the world.

That's a little bit of back story to my current situation regarding not seeing my parents. I have come to see more clearly that I don't really want to see them and that there are no absolute reasons why I should. I'm not sur how I'm going to deal with this issue going forward. I can't quite work out what I want to do about it, and so I am just going on not getting in contact. My wife keeps in contact with them a bit and also the kids. They seem to think they have the right to see us all or at least that because it is culturally normal to do so, that they want to follow along with that.

As I say, I don't really enjoy seeing them and my wife and I both often find that they are at least mildly to moderately corrosive to our self esteem. I was thinking just in the last few days: 'why would I want to perpetuate a relationship that put me to the world to fend for myself in a way that has resulted in two decades of floundering and struggling to get a foothold in terms of effective functioning and psychological well-being?' Or, more angrily:'they f****d me and now they want to come round to my house and carry on f*****g me.'

I don't care if my attitude sounds immature and adolescent. In fact, I quite like that about it. I'm desparate to live my life more effectively and I think I'm starting to do that. I don't really see a relationship with my parents as helping that. I want to live my own life and go in my own direction and not have to be involved with their attitudes and influences over me. It's hard trying to summarise all this in a way that represents what I want to say if lengthh were not constained, but I hope I have conveyed what is central to my outlook.

Welcom to WP, Saturn. Do you have Aspergers? (just a little ice-breaker there)

Your comment "They seem to think they have the right to see us all or at least that because it is culturally normal to do so, that they want to follow along with that." hit me square in the face. THAT is exactly how I feel about my brothers & sisters.

It's actually ironic, because (I'm the one with the Aspergers in our family) but my dh has just decided to sever ties with his alcoholic dad. "G" abandoned my dh & his Mom when he was 5. Typical alcoholic non-relationship has built up to the point that dh avoids "G"'s phone calls & this year when the old fart called me to wangle a Christmas dinner invite (we aren't haveing one this year) I felt comfortable enough to tell him that (even though we aren't celebrating this year) dh doesn't want to see him. He asked how I could speak for a grown man? & I told him that dh has told him, over & over again but he just wouldn't listen/believe. He then told me that the reason we don't have any $ for Christmas is because I spend all the money dh earns on DOPE. (WTF? All we can guess is that the alcohol has well & truly pickeled the old farts brain!)

So, family relationships without any Aspergers involvement also seem to break down sometimes.

Hi MsM

I suspect I might have AS and I am going for an assessment in about a month.

Yes, that statement of mine you quoted, I would probably apply to my brother as well.

Is there a recognised link between AS and family tie-severing?

On the one hand I can see strong utilitarian reasons for families to stick together in terms of practical support and care, although this is perhaps less important in a society with a strong welfare system. But on the other hand, the idea of being tied to or obliged to certain people through no choice or self-determination of ones own, is just rubbish.

Hiya', Saturn,
I don't know of any scientific studies about Aspergers/distancing from family but this thread has had a few folks talk about their relationship/non-relationship status with family.

Personally, I think the chances of this choice of behavior in adulthood probably correlates to the amount of dysfunction someone has/had with their family of origin in their childhood. (I'm going out on a limb here....my family had MAJOR dysfunction w/my undiagnosed Aspergers playing but a bit part!)

The "straw that broke the camels back" for me was the reaction I've received from my whole family of origin ABOUT my Aspergers diagnosis (I was just diagnosed 3 yrs ago; at the age of 42) they seem to think it's akin to some kind of dermatological problem or something similarly benign and NOT AT ALL germain to my struggles with relationships (they REFUSE to even try & meet me half-way). So, to my thoughts, my cutting them off will have ZERO NET EFFECT to them & a whole lot of HEALTHY, SELF-PRESERVATION for me.

I wrote the same letter to all three relatives I have no contact with atm.(my father, sister and brother). I guess it was too logical, and not emotional enough for them to understand. I dont know. I have not yet recieved any answers to those letters 3 months later.

I always thought my family had more problems than the average family. I've gotten it confirmed earlier in a 5 year long relationship, and now again in a 7 year old relationship, that my family do seem to have more problems than the average one. I wont go into it here, but it seems the end result of having AS / ASD seems to be no or limited contact with your relatives. I have contact with my mother atm., but thats all.

I've been lucky though, my spouse have a great family, and I interact with them fairly regulary through her. They've become my surrogate-family.