NT Husband with suspected aspie wife

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I think if I were the Aspie wife in a conflict of love languages, I would want to be explicitly trained in the new system. "In situation X, try to do Y or Z even if I don't say anything. Let's both practice providing each other's favorite kinds of affection this week and keep a chart of our progress," would help me a lot. But then, I don't know how much that applies to another person I've never met! ^_^;

I'm so worried about this stuff happening in my life if I ever manage to get married. I can just imagine it: Me waiting and waiting for an invitation to get close to him, and him about to dump me for someone who catches all his implicit invitations.

I think you're looking in the wrong place, Jack. She just isn't that into sex -- or isn't that into sex with you -- and frankly, she's under no obligation to be. Marriage does not guarantee that the lady will turn her body over to you, or pretend to enjoy or want sex when she doesn't.

You've got a few options here:

1. Accept the situation and learn to enjoy masturbation;
2. Come to an understanding with your wife so's you can get some on the side (without bringing home a disease)
3. Divorce her and find a lady who wants to have sex with you the way you like it.

There are people who'd tell you to pressure her to find out what her turn-ons are, but that's ultimately incredibly selfish and she'll understand it, rightly, as abusive.

As for the rest, the housecleaning and chores -- uh, any adults sharing a house ought to be contributing to the upkeep of the house, meals, cleaning, all that sort of thing. So long as you divvy that in a mutually satisfactory way, I don't see what it has to do with sex.

This could have been written by my husband (He's NT and I'm Aspie...and I was also born in 1979 )
Although I don't outright reject sex, I don't want it as much as he does. I also clean and cook and take care of our son, which I do indeed feel is an expression of my love. But I'm terrible at initiating affection, and he says the exact same thing---if he has to ask, it negates the point. I disagree. Sometimes you just forget to do things because you don't think that way. Another example of this is photographs. My husband fancies himself a photographer, and it never even crosses my mind to take a picture. This annoys him when he's doing something and wants me to take a picture of it. If he doesn't ask me, I won't even think about it. This doesn't mean I don't like pictures...I just don't really think about doing it unless I make a conscious effort.

It sounds like you guys (as well as my husband and I) are truly speaking a different language here. I do attempt to initiate affection more (even if it isn't coming naturally), and my husband apparently perceives that I'm only doing it in an attempt to make him happy. For some reason, he also thinks that this negates the point. I find it really frustrating because I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. It's really complaining about part of my personality, rather than my actions. I can't very well just wake up one morning and say, "Well gee, I think I'll want to hug/kiss/bonk more today because I now want it more than I did before!" (Well...actually that may happen if I'm having a manic episode!! But even then, it's not "normal") Or, "I think I'll take up obsessive photography today too, and start wearing makeup and enjoy swimming (which I guess I had better learn how to do), and boy, I think I'll start liking rap music!" It's just not going to happen, anymore than you're going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly decide a life of heroin is the life for you. It's sort of ridiculous, actually, to expect someone to completely redefine herself for you. You wouldn't want to do that for her, I'm sure. And simply not getting what you want to get isn't redefining yourself...it's settling...just as I settle for more affection than I want.



Yes. And perhaps her expectations aren't reasonable for you. That's ok, and it doesn't mean you guys are doomed...but you will both have to work on it. You need to learn to leave her alone, and she needs to learn to make an effort to be more affectionate. But please don't knock her for trying...I doubt she's knocking you for leaving her alone more!



Luicky you guys. I wish that the OP (and my husband/myself) had a relationship this easy...well maybe not easy, but tolerant and open-minded.

Anyway, my marriage, too, needs some work. We both have a hard time understanding the other's point of view. But we do love each other, and we're both trying however we can.

I wish the OP good luck...As Schneekugel said, not everyone thinks the same way you do, but that doesn't make it the wrong way (either yours or hers!)