The single, over 40 thread

Post Reply New Topic

I wished I could find more musicians that were into non-musical people.

I'm a non-musical person who's into musicians who're into non-musical people.

where do you find such people? every musician I've ever known had disdain for non-talented types.

Musicians enjoy anyone's company who shows an interest. So even if you're not musically-inclined yourself, showing an interest and asking questions about their craft should be enough. I know being an Aspie, it's not easy doing that but if you can come up with one or two good questions -- and the musician in question isn't a d*ck -- it should be enough to impress. A lot of the ones I've known are kinda self-centered, so if you ask something like "How did you get started in music?", they'll talk your ear off and you may never have to say another thing. Asking about a particular genre in music that you like can get them started too.

I guess your luck in this regard has been better than mine. I have long been interested in music and musicians but I haven't yet found one who would not look down their nose at me if they deigned to pay me any mind at all.

I guess so. The guys I've known -- and it's ALWAYS guys -- regardless of music genre (rock, country, jazz, Celtic, blues,) have mostly been very nice. There are some snotty ones, but I haven't found that being the case very often.

i was just diagnosed seven months ago, although i'm 54, just before DSM V came out and eliminated Asperger Syndrome from our diet.
Have always been almost completely non-social, due to essentially lifelong anxieties, depressions, fears, and phobias formed from aspie-internalizing my sisters bullying from my age zero. Not anti-social, just not social except one-on-one.
Never had a girl friend. Had one friend Walter who disappeared to California USA.
Never even held a girl's hand. Never kissed (Grandma's splatter didn't count!). Never "did it."
i wonder how many other aspies are virgins?

Goals?
"Spiritually thoughtful presence of mind with outflowing concern and love."
Dreams?
Stay off the streets and make my goal.
Whatever?
-- blank-out ---

thank you for your time

I was just diagnosed a little under a year ago at 54. I haven't been in a "real" relationship in about 10 years (was just friends with a guy for 5 years during that time who I wasn't really interested in more than that with and we are no longer friends). When I was younger I had several long-term relationships, but I'm finding it impossible to get back into it now (plus I'm always planning on "moving" someplace else, this time for real though, so that keeps me out of permanent relationships). I also go back and forth between being lonely and worried about time running out and needing my space. I'm not sure what the answer is anymore for me.

Wow...I could have almost written this myself. I'm in pretty much the same boat. We're even around the same age. I've only been in three remotely serious relationships (four if you count my five-year on/off relationship with my online friend Jim). Other than those, I can count all the dates I've been on in my life on one hand. I haven't had sex in nearly 9 years, and haven't even been kissed in 5 years. I rarely get asked out, and the men that do ask are either at least 20 years older than me, or completely unacceptable, and I'm not even all that picky. All I ask is that a man look humanoid, smell at least neutral, have good teeth, share my sense of humor and moral code, and match me intellectually. Is that too much to ask for?

My mother has told me for years that the reason I don't get asked out is because I have a "wall" up around me that says "keep out". That's true to an extent, and now that's I've discovered ASD, I can finally understand why. I'm terrified of dating, and even the boyfriends I've were friendships first that developed into something more. But I also believe that if a man was truly interested, he would make an effort to break down the wall. After all, three men made that effort successfully.

What's odd is that while men don't show much interest, women seem to find me very attractive. I don't mean in the lesbian sense, but rather female friends frequently tell me how pretty I am -- great hair, beautiful smile, funny, smart -- but men apparently don't feel the same way. The only thing I can figure is that I'm not feminine enough. I think men probably like "girly" girls, and no matter how hard I try, I'll never be that way. I'm sure my age is starting to get in the way as well.



I do this as well. I so value my privacy and my alone time, I don't know if I would be willing to share my life with another person in a permanent kind of way. But that doesn't take away from the fact that I'd love to have someone I can snuggle up with when I'm lonely or tired or amorous. someone to spend holidays with. I realized just today that of all the men I know personally whom I can imagine being in a relationship with -- men I'm crushing on or whatever -- all but one are married, and the single one is 16 years younger than me. Story of my life....every man I want is inaccessible.

I lived with my parent in a co-dependent relationship even though she was neurotypical. That hardly counts as another person moving in with one, but i think it does show that, once a relationship is established it is possible for a cooperative neurotypical to live with an aspie.

* i did the best i could with the person i was at the time *

People describe existence over 40 as some sort of postponed hibernation with no social life.

What may be reasonable to observe is that people with AS……Us ……may consider having no friends or socialisation as a " normal" part of being AS. What more can you expect from people with AS than AS type tendencies?

Don't allow it to form some sort of melancholy and get you down…….buy a cat, get a dog and stick up signs that say no salespeople, donations or charities…….I hate going out, I hate other drivers and I hate supermarkets…I go out and get what i need and come home to my cave….safe, secure with a nearby remote control and a large screen TV. I am married thou and have 2 kids and didn't invite any friends to my wedding , just family. Im happy with having no friends and no pets my locus of validation isn't in other objects or people, I'm unmedicated and don't drink. Im just a content post 40 AS male , married with no real want or desire to make or cultivate friends. I have mates and acquaintances but keep them at arms length, avoid attending Xmas parties and other social events and sometimes i do attend them to remind myself what I'm not missing…..and to remind me of my younger pre diagnosis days when i went out, got drunk and was really unhappy but didn't know why……….oh god, did i just write this or think it?

Single, female, 66, retired. My 14 year old cat dispenses affection throughout the day and night: he strokes my cheek with his paw, sleeps cuddled up to me as if he is still a kitten and I am a mother cat, sits outside the door waiting for me to come home when I go out. The social contacts I have are attending an NA home group, also a Meet Up Social Anxiety Group, and a couple who live next door who always stop and stay hello to me. On the net I'm part of WP and one other group for survivors of parental abuse. Two years ago I didn't have any of these connections, I was just so isolated. WP was the first I joined. I had a lot of health problems before which had increased my isolation. I am still looking to expand my social connectivity though only with groups or people who don't marginalise, patronise, disrespect or take advantage of me for being alone/older/aspie. That limits my options somewhat!! !

**** Delete Post Wrong Thread ***

No social life, no friends... My life is incredibly simple, and I am perfectly happy this way.

40 was probably about when I finally accepted that I was different from most other people and stopped trying to fit in by inventing a fantasy life [girlfriend, holidays etc.] that I could talk about.

Since then I've probably been as happy as I've ever been - good job, dog for company etc. The nagging worry is that I have no support network. What happens if I'm ill? There's a chance that I'll need a joint replacement within a couple of years - how will I manage during the recovery period?

I was in such a situation about 2 years ago when, after a bad biking accident, I was hospitalized [major blood loss, reconstruction of shattered arm and numerous contusions/cuts] for a week and could not take care of myself for about 2 months. luckily for me I had my sister to take care of me. do you have any kinfolk who would help you in such a situation? if not, you need to make plans to get a supplemental health insurance rider which covers costs of nursing home care.