Now that you know... are you harder or easier on yourself?

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DeaconBlues
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12 May 2007, 11:50 am

Chuck wrote:
She tells everyone on the first day that she's like this, she embraces it, and they will have to too. She says "Sometimes it will seem as if I don't know what I'm doing, and maybe I don't, so it will be up to you to figure that out for yourselves". She smiles and explains "If I get stuck searching for a word, you'll have to throw it out for me, or I won't be able to continue". So later, when she does get stuck they start throwing out random words: "Banana!" (she shakes her head no) "Swimming pool!" (no) "Chihuahua?" (no) "Long-legged Frenchman wearing a green beret going for stroll along Champs-Elysees? (she looks up into that student's eyes, freezing completely, the class laughs, she gets out her ping pong ball rifle and attacks everyone.....

Please, please tell me you're not just exaggerating for effect, and the ping-pong-ball-rifle thing actually happens! :)


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Chuck
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12 May 2007, 12:19 pm

DeaconBlues wrote:
[Please, please tell me you're not just exaggerating for effect, and the ping-pong-ball-rifle thing actually happens! :)


Yep! It's true. (She carries a ping pong pistol as well). :) She took a long time selecting just the right weapon - something balanced and sleek, easily maneuverable, left and right hand accessible, rapid-fire, that wouldn't hurt anyone, and would make a loud cartoony "ker-POP"- ing sound when it fires. Of course, they are allowed to shoot her back. She also shoots anyone who's cell phone goes off, and anyone caught talking on one.

The point being, Sedaka (and thank you for clarifying the issue for me): If you think you've got a weakness, just lay it on the table on the front end. Let the cat out of the bag. Expose the Boogey Man. Point at it. Make fun of it! Smile! Laugh at it!

Example, if you think you are going to be boring with today's lecture, say, "You'll find stowed beneath each of your chairs a small emergency cushion. If today's lecture gets as boring as I think it might, and your eyes get heavy and your neck gets wobbly, please put the cushion on your desk. We don't want any skull fractures today." (use the postures and exaggerated motions and pasted-on smile of an airline stewardess). Then if you see someone nodding out shout "Hey! Get the cushion! I warned ya' didn't I! Sheesh! I don't wanna hafta do CPR!"

Now they are on your side.

Learning show tunes helps too. Randomly breaking into song "...I am, the King, of the FORRREEEST!! !" , especially when it makes no sense, will crack you up anyway. :)

But if things start going really bad: Hold up your finger and widen your eyes like you've just come up with a great idea. Say, "THAT reminds me!! !" Now run out of the classroom. Run to your car. Get in. Crank it up. Peel out of the parking lot. Floor it to the nearest Wendy's. Go in, grab the drive-thru cashier, and two large ice teas. Stuff them all into your car. Jump in, and drive to the ocean!! !

Feel free to ask the Wendy's drive-thru cashier anything. I think he/she is/am god.



sunshower
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14 May 2009, 7:04 pm

This has to be the most enlightening thread I have ever read at my time on WP.

Firstly, thankyou Gromit for directing me to it.

Secondly, thankyou Chuck for opening my eyes.

Chuck, I am the past you. I've grown up my whole life being convinced of my "selfishness", and being determined to prove that I am a "good person" and am kind and selfless towards others. The aim of me and my family has been to turn me "normal", and I get praised for every step I take in this direction (like when I chose to go shopping with mum instead of reading a book).

I devote all my time to other people, but it has been causing me to crack up from over-stimulation. I have too many friends. So far I haven't caved to the pressure of getting another boyfriend, and I hope I won't - it's probably the only thing I haven't compromised of myself. I don't know if I want a partner or not in life, but if I do then it has to be someone I love and know I could live with (and I don't fall in love with many people).

I go out clubbing because other people ask me to go (even though I hate clubbing, and it exhausts me like nothing else), but then they wander off and hook up with people and I wonder why I needed to be there. Every night and every meal I socialize with people I don't even feel close to at all, just because I'm expected to. I feel like my future is set out for me - and in it I have to be living close to my family at all times, and keeping in constant contact with them, probably get married and have kids, and then looking after my parents 24/7 as they get older. If I don't do this, I'm selfish and a bad person.

I keep having these urges to run away and be by myself, live alone, and pursue my own interests. My parents are convinced I can't look after myself, can't even live in a flat by myself or go on a holiday by myself, and I'm not allowed to learn to drive. I'm an adult and yet they make all my decisions for me. But I feel I'm not strong enough yet to stand against them, and I don't have enough income to support myself in order to go my own way. I think once I have a career/jobs and am out of university I will go and do my own thing.


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Greentea
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14 May 2009, 11:02 pm

There's a contradiction here. How come they expect you to devote your life to taking care of 6 people íf they think you can't take care of yourself? (mom, dad, husband, say 3 kids and yourself)


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peterd
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15 May 2009, 5:30 am

Wow. there's a buzz. A thread two years dormant came back to life before our eyes.



hartzofspace
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15 May 2009, 5:50 pm

Nothing wrong with that, I think. Seems a good topic. :idea:


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keerawa
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24 May 2009, 3:32 pm

I self-diagnosed a few years ago, but it really became plain to me that I've got AS when I started having some students identified with AS in my class. They were SO MUCH like me at that age, it was scary.

I haven't gone for a diagnosis, because I feel like I've pretty much got a handle on things now. I can fit in pretty well when I need to, and am getting better at giving myself space for what I need. Also, the thought of sitting down with a psych who's going to ask me a bunch of personal questions, make me really, really uncomfortable. Just typing that sentence has got tears in my eyes, in fact.

I've gotten a little bit easier on myself. It's been a very stressful year, because of changes in my work schedule that made me have to deal with 2x as many people all at once. But recognizing that was the issue made it possible for me to put in my notice and apply for new jobs. Just accepting that its OK to be introverted has been the biggest relief. I used to eat lunch with people every day, because that's what you're supposed to do, and everyone else wanted to. Now I let myself just go for a long, quiet walk at lunch, get away from everyone, and it really helps.

My biggest problem is in my personal life - I drive my husband nuts sometimes, basically ignoring him. I don't mean to. Its just hard for me to lose focus on what I'm doing and refocus on him. But him knowing about my AS has let us work up some protocols. For example, he always calls ahead when he's coming home, so I can wrap up what I'm doing and be ready to socialize. He doesn't talk to me for the first hour in the morning, so I can wake-up and get my thoughts together. And if he wants to talk with me, but I'm on the computer, he'll warn me, and then 2 minutes later ask me to turn off the monitor.



hartzofspace
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25 May 2009, 2:25 pm

keerawa wrote:
I used to eat lunch with people every day, because that's what you're supposed to do, and everyone else wanted to. Now I let myself just go for a long, quiet walk at lunch, get away from everyone, and it really helps.

Great coping strategy! I wish I'd known about the AS back when I was working. Then I wouldn't have come home so fried, every day.

keerawa wrote:
For example, he always calls ahead when he's coming home, so I can wrap up what I'm doing and be ready to socialize. He doesn't talk to me for the first hour in the morning, so I can wake-up and get my thoughts together. And if he wants to talk with me, but I'm on the computer, he'll warn me, and then 2 minutes later ask me to turn off the monitor.

Again, excellent strategy. I shudder to think how many marriages ended, because of not knowing about the AS, and not being able to do damage control like this.


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Saja
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31 May 2009, 2:45 am

Sedaka, thank you for starting this thread. This is something I am wrestling mightily with right now, and at the moment I'm pretty much a useless puddle because of it.

Merle, what you say below is so perfect. Exactly. Exactly! (And this is as far as I am reading this thread....no doubt I will have more reactions of profound recognition as I read through the rest of the replies.)

sinsboldly wrote:
Knowing is wonderful, such a relief, as I said, it answers the $64, 000$ question "what is YOUR problem?"
But it hardly tells me what I am to DO about it.

because I suppose it is crushing,
simply crushing to know that all the striving and sacrifice I have done
in my life to 'fit in' and 'be normal' was just a pathetic attempt.
And I mean pathetic as in pathos - that arouses pity and sorrow within
myself. I feel pathos for the valiant little brat that dwells within
me, always trying 'one more time' to make the big kids like her, to not
sit to the side when everyone else does something together. GACK!
When I think of the time and effort I spent in my life trying to be
'as good as' them, when it was a lost cause from the beginning.
Sometimes I wonder what I could have done with my life if I had known,
how my education could have been crafted, how being a professional
could have been molded, way back when it might have made a difference.
Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for knowing now about AS, and I damn
sure had one fabulous life either because or in spite of AS, but now
and then I wonder what might have been ....


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Saja
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31 May 2009, 3:02 am

madscientist wrote:
This is an extraordinarily useful and insightful thread.

computerlove wrote:
I don't want this thread to end :( This is one of the best threads I've ever read

sunshower wrote:
This has to be the most enlightening thread I have ever read at my time on WP.

Yes, yes, and yes. I'm stunned and unbelievably happy to have found this thread.


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Saja
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31 May 2009, 3:14 am

Five years ago, when I first found out about AS, I was easier on myself. Delighted to finally (as Merle said) have the answer to the $64,000 question.

Then that all settled to the background, and nothing really changed for me...I kept plugging away, being as NT as I could as long as I could before depression hit again and knocked me to my bed (where the solitude and silence worked its magic, and I could recharge enough to come back into the light of day). So I guess I was just as hard on myself as before I knew....though you could say I was being *harder* on myself than when I didn't know.

Now I'm going through an incredibly rough time, realizing I *have* to change something, but here I am in the middle of raising three kids. I can't just say, "Wow, I'm AS, I need more time alone and less clutter and lots of silence." Not going to happen unless I leave. Which I sometimes think of doing, out of desperation....I can't live with my life as it is now (even though it's *really* good--nothing bad in it, just too much noise and activity for me to stay sane). But leaving would kill me, too. I couldn't live with myself. I love my family. Something's got to give, but I don't yet know what it is.

Fortunately I have the world's most wonderful, understanding, caring, gentle husband, so when I'm not busy melting down, I feel confident we'll be able to change things so I can enjoy the next fifteen years instead of just surviving them...or not even that.

My biggest stumbling block is that, where I felt liberated and "aha!" five years ago, I feel limited, disabled, and broken right now. Though I think that's a step forward, oddly enough...I think it is. I hope it is. Necessary before I finally accept myself and really let myself be the way I am.


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Dantac
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31 May 2009, 1:26 pm

I think its both easier and harder at the same time.

Easier in the sense that there is finally a reason why. Plus knowing why you start to notice the other things you never even considered as being an issue.

...and that's where the harder part starts. I never got depressed before..ever. But now, knowing that no matter how hard I try or how much effort I put into it, its just not possible to do the things im trying to improve on (socializing/conversation). The brain wiring is just not there I guess. Best I can hope for is to pretend. That has given me a taste of what being depressed is like. :?



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31 May 2009, 1:57 pm

Saja wrote:
Now I'm going through an incredibly rough time, realizing I *have* to change something, but here I am in the middle of raising three kids. I can't just say, "Wow, I'm AS, I need more time alone and less clutter and lots of silence." Not going to happen unless I leave. Which I sometimes think of doing, out of desperation....I can't live with my life as it is now (even though it's *really* good--nothing bad in it, just too much noise and activity for me to stay sane). But leaving would kill me, too. I couldn't live with myself. I love my family. Something's got to give, but I don't yet know what it is.


I felt that way, while raising one child as a single parent. I didn't know about the AS, but was aware of desperately longing for time and space to just "BE." I was always having to do stuff; work, drive my daughter to after school things, put on a social front, go PTA meetings, etc. I feel bad for the times I melted down and my daughter got the brunt of it. All I can say, is that now that she is grown up and I live alone, I can have all the down time I want, and it is heavenly. I know its not very encouraging, but when your children grow up, it will get better.


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Saja
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31 May 2009, 3:17 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
All I can say, is that now that she is grown up and I live alone, I can have all the down time I want, and it is heavenly. I know its not very encouraging, but when your children grow up, it will get better.

It's definitely the carrot pulling my mule cart forward. :-)

I'm trying to take it in small chunks, so as not to be dismally black-and-white about it (as my husband would tease me). It isn't going to be as hard as it is right now all the way up to the point the youngest leaves home...in three years he'll start school, and that will be a huge step forward. So I'm trying to focus on what I need to do for three years to make it work.


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