Should an Aspie adult have children?

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Certainly don't need any more NT's !

now that I think about it and am in a better mood overall
depends who I am married too

I am glad I found this forum topic as it can assist me with my own posted topic.

I thank collectively all who have posted on this topic, as I have found useful ideas with my own NT children.

Having children, or the decision to have children and raise them is a personal choice. Like some posters here, I had the children before I was officially diagnosed, but always knew there was a difference. I have been criticized for my parenting skills but I have tried to interpret this as suggestions on how to become a better parent. Being a spouse is something else, and at this stage in my life, I am glad I am not involved in any active adult relationship.

One of the reasons why I didn't want to have kids for a long time was becuase I know I couldn't forgive myself if my child was as unhappy and isolated as I was. However, i'm older now and understand - to my resentment - I didn't have to be that unhappy and isolated even with AS. A lot of it came from my parents' attitude of "You're not the cute, charming little girl we wanted so we can't be bothered with you" appraoch to raising me.

I believe a good parent who make their child their priority in life, provides a secure environment and make sure their child feels loved, wanted and validated can make all the difference for any child. I genuinely believe anyone, even someone with "handicaps," can be very successful in life if they have that solid basis to start from. I could cope with my child having AS and dealing with social delays - I can work with that. I have a lot of offer to a child facing with those issues, because I've had to struggle and overcome them mostly on my own all my life. I have a lot to pass on to a child in that way.

What would crush me if my child grew up feeling unloved and unwanted like I did. That's why I'm still scared to have a child. Not because i feel I'm not able to express love and affection to a child and bond with him or her - actually, nowtthat I'm in my mid-30's and know myself better, I strongly believe I could. But rather I have trouble trusting men to keep up their part of the bargain. I have no interest in being a single mother, but my life expereince with men is they cannot follwo through with their personal commitments. So trusting a man to do his part as a father is a big obstacle for me. I'm deeply woundedd by my own father's lack of emotional involvement and general interest in my life. I wouldn't want my child to experience that. So I could only have a child if I could find a man I could trust to be a good, involved and loving father. I know such men exist, even through they seem sadly rare.

I do want to have at least one child. I'm prepared to accept that may nto happen, but I can't stop myself for holding out the hope that one day I will. I wouldn't mind an AS child. I feel I can be a very good mother for an AS child, because I'm willing to stnd up to people - doctors, teachers, whomever - and advocate for my child's best interest. I've had to learn to advocate for myself, so I wouldn't think think about doing it for my child.

AS and "shadow" AS traits run in my family lines, as does ADHD and OCD traits. But more severe forms of autism is not present in my family history. I know there's no guarantees, but I do not feel it's likely I would have a LFA child. I think it's more likely I'd have an AS, ADHD or OCD child, and I not afraid of that. I'm also not afraid to have an NT child. For some reason, my gut tells me that having an NT child is the most likely probablity. I'm also very confident that any child I have, NT or not, will be super smart, which brings it own challenges, but ones I'd be more than happy to take on.

I don't want to have children, but it's not because I fear my children would have AS, it's because I think I wouldn't be a good father.

Both my parents had AS, and I have seen first-hand how it has affected me as a child. My parents couldn't put themselves in my shoes. They couldn't understand that my likes and dislikes, my aspirations, were different from what they wanted for me. They were only satisfied if I behaved like an object, going through the moves they had planned in advance in their minds. I ended up feeling oppressed.

If I had children now, I would be faced with the following choice: either behave in my natural way, and do them a lot of emotional harm (because, if I wasn't making an intellectual effort, I wouldn't be able to understand them very well and respond appropriately); or make the effort to focus on their needs, and, because I find it so difficult, ruin my own quality of life in the process.

I shock other parents (and internally enjoy the shock I give, naughty me....) when I say that if I could turn back the clock, I would not have become a parent. After all, had I never had my son, I wouldn't know him to miss him....make sense?




I am pretty disfunctional as a mum, but more loving and protective than I thought I would ever be towards anyone (including my long-suffering NT hubby). I expect a lot of him, but being a parent has given me reason to want to behave more NT-ish. I just can't do the "popular mum at school" thing, although I do a lot of volunteer work there.

My son is and will stay an only child. He is AS, it looks like I am as well, so apart from anything else, we understand each other pretty well.

All that said, I would literally die for my son. He is the only person in the world I can honestly say I love totally and unconditionally. He turns the world on its wonderfully-tilted axis for me.

Fiona

Yup, me too with my kids. It is a different kind of love.

I didn't have any and I made that decision long before I knew about this (although I knew I wasn't like everyone else). I knew about children because I grew up around them. I even know how to take care of them now if I'm forced into it which I occasionally am for short periods. I didn't make the decision because I didn't know, but because I did. I don't like the noise and commotion of kids and I especially don't like the dependency of babies. It isn't something I feel they do wrong, but rather that is how they are. If you don't know about kids, you can't really make a logical decision until you find out (in my mind anyway).

What I will say is that if she is telling you no kids and you think you may want them then you better figure that out now. I absolutely, unequivocally did not want them and would not have changed my mind no matter what my husband said or felt about it. I broke off a five year relationship over it. It's not a compromise subject. So you need to understand clearly how you feel and how she feels. It doesn't sound like she's made this decision emotionally based on what she does, so be very open and honest about it. You'll be better off in the end. If my husband had ever even brought up the subject, I would have divorced him. I told him that when he asked me to marry him and I meant it. So find out exactly how you feel and how she feels.

As to heredity, they believe at this point it might be that way, but like all theories it isn't proven beyond a doubt. It is however, highly likely that it is. You might not have any kids with even AS traits or you could have a kid with Kanner's Autism. You need to be clear on that and she needs to be clear on that as well. Kids are a commitment and a responsibility. They have to come first because you're the adult and they are dependent on you. Give it very serious thought and volunteer to babysit a baby before you decide. Treat it like any other subject you want to learn about. Then make an informed decision.

That's the only advice I can offer. I don't think AS should prevent you doing this if you really want, but I think you like any person (NT or AS) should treat it as seriously as it deserves.

Good luck!

I don't see why Aspies would be any more or less responsible when it comes to kids than NTs.

I, personally, would prefer to have kids.

Tim

As the daughter of an Aspie (my dad) and the mother of 2 Aspies and 2 ADHD'ers, I'm both glad that my parents had me and extremely happy that I had my kids. But it is a personal choice and depends on whether or not you think that you as an individual want to be a parent. My youngest brother took the necessary steps to insure that he will never father children and I have great respect for his decision. He feels he would be a controlling parent and doesn't like the way the world is. He found a wonderful woman who agrees with him and together they are raising 2 very spoiled dogs.

Being the child of an Aspie was definitely a challenge, especially because I had no idea what was up with him. But that, and my own AS traits have made me understand my kids. They are my life and I know in my case, they are the reason that I am still alive. They gave me a reason to get up in the morning when I had no other reason.

i have three kids, one with dyslexia the middle one has as/adhd/borderline personality disorder ect ect and the last one is nt but is better at maths than english or reading. i wouldnt give my kids up for the world althogh sometimes i have had difficulty expressing empathy over the years,have learned how people expect you to act and i do have some level of feelings especially where my kids are concerned. i suppose im awkwardly saying that they are very hard work but i am glad i gave birth t0 them i have more of a touch aversion to people i dont know accepting/giving the affection the kids neede seemed to come quite easily considering my social failings everywhere else, i also had to learn to make myself go throug overwhelming things so the kids didnt lose out.ive forgotten the question now, oh yeah i think if you want kids you should have them ads long as you can learn to recognise and ask for if and when you need help.

Im Autistic and Have 3 Kids *2 whom are NT and 1 that is Autistic*

Not only did i shock many people having kids but also my age.
I was 18 when i gave birth to my 1st born at that time medicaly i was considered to be mentaly slow/ moderate retardation. I was worried i wouldnt be able to raise a child as also many of others thought that i wouldnt be capable either.

Not only am i rasing my daughter but I went on to have 2 more children who i think are quite healthy physicaly and have alot of stability in there lives.

I broke the odds in what society thought id be. i was supost to be living at home with my parents for life or in a group home type situation let alone be interested in anyone. now im a parent and married to boot.

"Experts" are still arguing over whether autism is even genetic, so it's unlikely you'll find any sort of satisfactorily definitive answer as to what the risks would be. My thoughts on the matter are that I'd prefer a partner like myself, that is, highly intelligent with some mild aspergian traits, but as a mate I'd be concerned about the possibility of having a more autistic child. With an NT woman, I wouldn't be worried about autistic genetics at all.

I have two children. One is HFA, the other seems normal so far - she's 11 months old. I did not know until my daughter was 7 months old that I might have AS. My husband wants another baby, and I am afraid of having one. I don't know if there is any valid research on the statistics, but if there is I'd really like to know.

Thanks for the positive input about your family! My husband and I are considering children and we are both Aspie. I had about 30 seconds of doubt over whether our children would also turn out AS/ASD. Then my husband said, "We probably wouldn't know how to handle an NT child!"

My paternal great-grandmother was known to be "a little odd." Her daughter, my paternal grandmother, was probably on the spectrum somewhere given what I know of her and her medical/social history. She had 12 kids. Of those, one was significantly impaired by what we think was probably a spectrum disorder and another was mentally ret*d due to a birth trauma. Four of her children were most probably aspies (hard to tell aspie from autie using only historical information). My father was one one of the children who fit a "spectrum" profile. I also had an aunt who was probably on the autie side, given what I'm told she was like.

I am aspie, and my daughter is aspie. Except for the significantly impaired uncle (who I think was more traumatized by the people around him and by another significant and embarrassing medical condition that went untreated) and the ret*d uncle, every one of my grandmother's offspring lead productive lives. Most married and raised families of their own, and those children have now married and/or have their own families. The autie aunt married and had a son who is a highly successful engineer.

On that side of my family there seem to be several dominant professions among the men: the equivalents of "high tech" of their particular eras, career military service, and government administration. Among the women it was: housewife (common in that time), clerk/secretary, parts assemblers/unskilled factory labor. Most of the women were dirt poor, but extremely creative in their survival behaviors. Most could sew well, were able to do all but the most complex home repairs, and managed their children well enough that they all seem to have survived to raise families of their own.

My father managed to go to college and earned an advanced degree. All his children have gone to university, and two of us have advanced degrees. My daughter (his only grandchild) also is aspie. She's highly technologically functional, an excellent artist, has just earned her first college degree (in a foreign language) and looks to have a promising future.

I wouldn't want to think you didn't have children because of fears they wouldn't be "normal", but might be aspie or autie....