Substitutes for human bonds.

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No offense taken. And you've sparked off a bit more discussion on this thread, which isn't any bad thing, IMHO.

I'm currently thinking about my own needs in this respect, having recently being diagnosed as AS in middle age, so this chimes with me. I've never had a long term partner and feel strongly that I could never live with anyone; I've always had the need for at least one friend, though, and I think what you say is true of these friendships. I don't need to feel a bond with my friends, I just need to have that social exchange. I get very ill sometimes with an unrelated condition, and spend weeks – occasionally even months – on my own with no contact with anyone other than an occasional doctor's appointment. Not because my friends wouldn't visit, but because far from needing people when I'm ill and exhausted, I can't cope with them in the house. And what I start to feel when I'm coming out of my relapses is frustration at not being able to exchange thoughts and ideas, not a lack of a bond. It is a kind of intellectual boredom.

This doesn't apply in the same way to life partners, of course. I think I've never forced myself to negotiate beyond the first few weeks of a relationship because I made the assumption (when I was young and still trying to have relationships) that everyone thinks long term partnerships mean at least living together, and probably children as well. I couldn't have offered either of those possibilities, and even when I developed strong feelings for people, that knowledge may have meant that I didn't try as hard as I might have done. I know I can be happy alone and I know I don't have a high sex drive, but I'm trying to think through to what extent I do have needs in this area, as I've tended to deny I have any in the past. My guess is that where non-autistic people may have a 90%+ need (and I mean need, not desire) to live in a pair bond to feel content, fulfilled, loved, and safe, my need might be somewhere in the 10% region. But I'm only a few weeks post-diagnosis and I've never been very good at understanding my own feelings and needs, so maybe when I've had enough time for honest reflection, I might surprise myself.

TD, thank you for your understanding! Makes me feel less bad about it.

VJ, what you wrote describes me to a tee and it's one of the major factors in people's massive rejection of me. I'm not able to relate to people except at the level you mention, and I strongly suspect people find me mentally exhausting.

As a woman, I'm allergic to the typical female kind of relating - coffee shop inane chatter that doesn't make any difference in either's life, 90% of which is lies for self-delusion or to self-aggrandize. I need to learn something new, solve a problem together, build a project together, teach something new, etc.

When asked why I constantly need meaningful, purposeful conversation, I always explain that I feel a very uncomfortable irritation in my brain, like it's being scratched with fingernails, when it's not stimulated during conversation.

Until very recently (my forties), I wasn't aware of any of this, but I did sense people's resistance and rejection of my style of conversation, and I lived with this "dark secret" totally convinced that it happened only to me, or that I wasn't making enough of an effort at "normal" chatting.

It's extremely relieving to know I'm not alone in this, and that it's just one more of the differences between my brain and the NT brain. It's a relief to finally, after 5 decades, be able to stop feeling guilty and ashamed of this, and know for sure that it's not a question of "more psychotherapy and bigger efforts", as NTs want us to do. It's physiological, no amount of psycho-anything can change it.

Animals worked real well for Pop. Animals, old people, and kids. Loved him. Peers, not so much.

I like nature. Wind, stars, clouds, mountains, the ocean. Appalachia is a wonderful place in that respect.

Religion/mysticism. Provides a sense of connection to SOMETHING.

Alex is right too though. One wants-- or at least, I want-- some human connection. I pick the odd ones. They are good people. I used to pick up strays. I had a nose for the misfits, people in trouble. Sometimes they turned out to be the best friends; sometimes I got burned.

More often got burned, but some of the best people in my life today are people I met that way, so I guess it evened out.

The limited need-- that's not exactly a bad thing. People constantly say it is, but I don't know. With about-to-be four kids, a spouse, four friends, two in-laws, and two grandmothers, I feel that my cup runneth over. Quite content-- truth be told I could use two of me.

I like the "odd ones" too! Way more interesting and fun to communicate with!

I enjoyed the contributions to this thread.

I agree that I have those needs, but I have other emotional desires for connection. So do the other Aspies and suspected-Aspies I've known.