The Dino-Aspie Cafe (for Those 40+... or feeling creaky)

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Merle, just saw the new avvie.

Yer cute ! ! (Like I ever doubted.)

Serious, sorry to hear things are still difficult.

My TM comes from a slightly over-emotional family. She's Polish/Slovac, and if I slam my finger in the door, I'm expected to suffer in silence, because her father used to yell a lot. This makes for some really stupid conversations.

Serious, you seem to be in a better place than last week and that is good!

I had a father who kept silent when he was mad. It would just build and build and then one of us unsuspecting children would get the brunt of it. I let Hubby yell and holler but he knows I don't like him to do it around the kids.

I don't yell and cause a scene. I just go in the bedroom and cry. My mother was very Italian in her expressing emotion. VERY expressive! And my father was a very silent, introverted man. They expressed very bad emotions together when he got drunk. Then he became expressive.

Hubby is a carper and complains. He complains about everything and to anyone including the television set and the computer. It is like every negative thought in his head must come out of his mouth. When I pick something out when shopping, it's like "Why do want THAT?" It's blah, blah, blah, and I think you should get this other thing. And by the time he says all of that I don't want anything. It is very hard for me to ignore all the negativity. After a while, I just blow up and he can't stand it. So I suppose he lets out his negative emotions in a steady trickle of criticism. But he thinks he has no emotions to discuss.

I do try to not cause any scenes. But when I smash a finger, I refexively yell. Now I say "Bob Saget" ! !! TM is impossible to top in anger. She can ramp it up indefinitely. So I've learned my lesson, and blow up, then apologize, then discuss why I did THAT. Also, shouting at referees on the telly is not allowed. This almost makes me go tourette ! !!

Serious girl...Actually he is right...he doesnt have any emotions....he gives them away.

I used to date a "contrarian" and it drove me insane.I cant stand being told what to do,I am confused enough.If I want someones input,I will ask for it,otherwise,they can keep it to themselves....especially when it is my money.Control freaks,arggg.

Being around negaivity is really toxic.I have never been a "cheerleader" type person but the only cause of constant negativity is depression.I would imagine that,as he does not admit to feelings,getting him to recognise and change his cognitive habits would be almost impossible.

Does he ever say that somoething is "wrong" or does he think everything is fine as it is or completly external?

I walk away from Hubby when he is like that. He lets me go because he knows I will let everone within 20 feet know what I think. I don't yell, I just say what I think. He told me to "F**** off once and I did just that. I walked all the way from the mall to my home, 15 miles. I made sure I took my time, stopped and had a tea at the coffee shop, and enjoyed the day. By the time I got home he had worked himself into such a worried mess that he never said that to me again.
It took me alot of years and tears to get to where I am but I couldn't spend anymore time crying in my room.
I was raised by a mother who smiled all the time. She never got mad or sad or annoyed or sick or anything. It was very fake. She was the ultimate emotion swallower. I learned it from her. I woke up one day and went " Wait a minute! Why can't I get mad and rant? No one is that happy all the time!"

Sorry, I was just spewing the virtues of aid dog's for children with Asperger's. Of course, I was up against your friend over there. She sure has some high opinions!

Did you write your own manifesto? Is your husband a lot older than you? I was talking to one of my dayhome mom's who is also having problems. Her children are the same ages as ours. We noticed that as we get older, our children are older and we are looking to be more independent, to do more for ourselves. It isn't that we want to leave, we just know that our children are more capable of being independent and we want to live a life that is ours. You know, do a few things just for ourselves, instead of everyone else. I think it is hard for our husbands to accept that all of the sudden we are changing. I told my husband I am not changing, I am growing to be more than just a wife and mom. Talking on WP is part of that, as is the knitting club (I know, how boorriinngg!) I just joined. I also started taking some natural health courses because I am getting tired of having little kids around. It is all quite startling to our dear spouses.

SG...I think of "giving away emotions" as....when someone feels like crap and is full of crap and dumps it out of themselves onto the nearest(safest)person.I see it as almost a literal unloading that gives them a sense of release...like emotional purging.
I also think that people who do this are so out of touch/uncomfortable with their own emotions that they often "project" their own issues onto the other person.If the other person happens to be in a vulnerable mind set(depression)and KNOWS they are depressed,they might fall for this little gimic.

I have been in some truely unhealthy relationships(not the beating kind but the emotionally abusive or controlling kind),I stayed because I KNEW I was "nuts" and figured if they could tolerate me,I should do like wise for them....wrong.All we did was reinforce each others negative traits.

I had to let myself be alone for 8 years,before I attempted another relationship,and this time got it right.Maybe it was just luck,or our age...but it helped that I made it very clear that no body as going to try and change me...take it or leave it,this is me.So far he has survived me,but at least now I know I can live alone.(I dont have kids to complicate the situation.

I think you need to stick to your guns.YOU are right.Your depression and AS does not prove his "mental health".The two are not mutually exclusive.I am sorry you are going through this.Being with someone with mental health issues who refuses to acknowledge them is like living with an alcoholic.....pure insanity.