What did you want to be as a kid

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More or less a normal person


That ain't happening


Combat engineer

Civil engineer

Architect

Writer

Psychologists

I wanted to get a Ph.D in Child Psychology, move to a loft in Manhattan, and work for the Children's Television Workshop as a writer for Sesame Street.

When I was in second grade I wanted to be a Paleontologist.

I was totally obsessed with astronomy and had so many books on the subject, and even a large telescope that my mother bought for me.

Unfortunately my step-father smashed it one day when my brother and I were making too much noise (apparently).

My mum even offered to contact "Jim'll Fix It!" to try to get me to meet Patrick Moore, the most famous UK amateur astronomer of the time, but I refused as I didn't want to be on TV or the centre of attention like that. Probably just as well as it turns out, with what happened with Jimmy Saville.

I still love astronomy and science etc, but when I was a teen (start of the 80s) I got into computers. Back before it was cool and everyone had one in their pocket. Computers don't talk back and if they do something wrong it's your fault, so it was my perfect friend, and I think I've had one in some form since about 1982 with no gaps. ZX81, then ZX Spectrum, Atari ST, Commodore Amiga, and finally my first PC in 1995. Obviously a lot of upgrades since then but I'm still computing away like I did back then.

before age seven... a blue angels pilot.

watched them with big eyes filled with wonder while quite young, and had a metal matchbox car sized toy of one of the planes.


still awe inspiring to the inner child.

I wanted to be a bunch of different things. A few of them stuck with me.
I decided I wanted to be a monk when I was about eight. And I decided that a monk is a wise old man.

As well as race car driver.
And rock star.
And mechanic (like my grandpa).
Wanted to be an egyptologist for a while.

In no particular order....

Athlete
Astronaut
Actress
Doctor

when I was a tweener, I wanted to be david Cassidy, but had not a clue as to how to reach that goal.

I was interested in film production or special FX. Maybe computer animation.

At least space tourism is almost possible, whether it will be affordable in our lifetime is another thing!

Actress

When I was in 6th grade, I wanted to work as one of the Z100 announcers in my area. I also wanted to be a star on All That.

With autism and Gender Identity Disorder and six out of ten personality disorders. After only working minimum wage jobs and getting fired. With only an AS in Accounting and BA in Cognitive science. With clinical depression.

It would appall me if anyone ever makes the mistake of hiring my worthless corpse ever again

Not realistic, practical or functional

But everyone makes mistakes

But California is an "at will" employer

Maybe I ought to push shopping cart and collect bottles for recycling

Or just loitering and panhandling

Schoolteachers, counselors ask what do you want to be (when you grow up)



But you have to be practical

Even after all that energy wasted in college

What a nightmare

And getting into college

My precious lil "parents" made me memorize ten to twenty SAT words per day, in the summer, between third and seventh grade. And ten to twenty SAT words per week in the school year. Third and seventh grade.

With the exception of nine months Chinese school, six months clarinet, and six months swim lessons. No. Extracurricular activities

Theory of Multiple Intelligence

Seven intelligences

Actually maybe all that studying and cramming made me more socially withdrawn and thus clinically depressed

Maybe the studying made me even academically stupider

Although you can't do a controlled experiment

And if you could, then what

Feel discouraged, useless, rejected, ashamed, stupid, embarrassed, humiliated, fat, worthless, profoundly disturbed, hateful, bitter angry

So I am a failure

And I am not good at anything. Minor exaggeration

And I do not particularly like anything or anyone

Not even myself

Especially not myself

I feel so ashamed

I feel like I am not justified at existing, because I contribute positively goods and services to the world. At least, not enough to justify my immoral existence

Not only that

But job or no job, I do not know what to do myself

Almost everyone, including myself, is annoying, to me





The current counselor marked "psychomotor retardation" and "paucity of content" on the insurance form

I can't work at even the easiest job. Many jobs fired me

I can't have precious lil "friends". They dumped and ghosted me

Everything I know how to do, (almost) everyone else also can do

And my personality is so weird and strange nobody will hire me

And not only that I do not even have hobbies


Just loitering and panhandling




Sign flipper

The world has almost nothing positive to offer me

And I have almost nothing to offer the world

Dead.
Still have yet to accomplish that goal.