The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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I run into the same thing, Outlander. We're having some work done on our house, and I've learned not to say "what if they built that such and such a way?" The Missus looks at me like I'm daft. Then she responds something like "that would look bloody awful". She has a good eye for design, so I've learned to trust her ideas. If the workers did what I suggested, the place would end up looking like the Addam's Family house.

Prof Pretorius,

Your example is a timely reinforcement indeed. We are buying a house that needs some "updates" and I am in the same operating mode that you have adopted. I may have the edge on you however because my wife's negative responses don't come across as so harsh, but rather more like dismay that I could be so clueless. My wife also has good instincts for what will work well and what will not when it comes to the domestic environment.

Marriage... !

My husband has, within the last 6 months or so, taken to telling me to "cheer up" several times a day. Nine times out of ten, I'm fine. I'm getting tired of it. Plus I feel like I'm bringing him down. Then again, I wonder if he's projecting his own unhappiness onto me. The last thing I want to do is put on a fake smiley face in my own home.

Hi, I use meridian therapy just before (if I can catch it in the half-second needed) my outburst, OR during, as it calms it down very quickly. It only involves a rapid physical action designed to reduce the anger. It looks stupid, but it can't possibly be more stupid than my outbursts used to be - nothing can. Also my partner knows that I'm doing something about it and that it will be over very soon, which it is these days. If you want a link, just PM me

I know what you mean with this. I get 'you're very quiet, what's up?' a lot, when nothing's wrong at all. My husband and other family members assume that when I'm very quiet, something is wrong. As though the quietness is a response to something in the outer world, or unhappiness about something they've said, when I'm either just zoning out, or thinking about something. I can only assume that NT's are always unconsciously checking each others' body/facial language, and it upsets them when they don't see what they expect. In other words, what they would read as unhappiness in another NT is not that at all for an Aspie. Maybe?

I'm glad my partner and family know nothing's up, but I get this a lot in the street, just walking around. I'd hate to have to plaster a smile across my face all the time, including at home. Bad enough walking down the street, etc. Jaw-ache.

Could it be its just a figure of speech he's picked up from someone? Long time ago I used to work with someone who would often say "don't panic". If something was dropped, or if the kitchen had run out of milk or anything trivial, he would like to say "don't panic". I started copying him.

Could it just be like that?

In reply, you could complete the quote for him:

".... worse things happen at sea"

Re-read some older posts in this thread.

Do you have pet names for your spouse/significant other?

I have taken to calling mine "Bun", which started as a joke after reading a book where the narrator's friend calls his wife "Honey" and the narrator's wife is "Bun" (as in Honey-Bun). Also sometimes call her "Dear" when she is interrupting (as in "yes dear, no dear, of course dear, yes dear .....).

She didn't like being called "Bun" to start with, but has grown into it.

Otherwise, never had any pet name.

A guy I know who has been married 3x used to call all wives and girl friends by the same name. I guess so he never got caught out saying the wrong name.

I can think of an appropriate name for him but I'm trying to give up using bad language, lol.



I call my husband Pod. Because his name begins with P so it was shortened to P then became Pod (pea-pod) Recently it's become Podsy or Podster. It has taken many years to evolve, lol. My nephew calls him 'Uncle Podsterino' which he hates.

I don't have a pet name. I get called my full name, not the shortened version everyone else uses.

Shiela frequently calls me by my middle name

Outlander...are you sure she's NT herself? Asperger's seems to manifest itself differently in women (well actually since it's a spectrum I think it can manifest itself differently according to the individual...not sure, but like snowflakes I don't think any two of us are completely alike) ...reading over her "quirks" I find alot of similarities...female, w/Asperger's myself.

P.S. Some of her key quirks:
--Very quiet----*somewhat here also

--Reclusive, Enjoys solitude, Avoids interaction with others.---*Not shy, but very reclusive, I don't for the most part enjoy socializing with others, I find it stressful.

--Impaired ability to show affection physically, Compensates by doing things for others---*I have trouble expressing my feelings, so I don't show affection in a "normal" manner.

--Almost cannot initiate any show of affection in any situation, no matter how private.---*see above, if you have problems expressing your feelings it's very hard to initiate anything. Same thing here.

--Feels unappreciated---*Not married

--Insists on being independent, and is loathe to ask for assistance, even rejecting it when it is sincerely offered spontaneously to an obvious need--*VERY independent, I have been since I was a child.

--Reluctant to share her feelings---*Really...not sure how to go about it some days.

--Thinks that any inquiry by me about her thoughts or choices is an attempt to judge them or berate her.---*I can take things very literally at times and become unsure of the meaning in which they may be meant.

--Really has trouble believing that when I say something that I mean exactly what I said and that I don't have some ulterior motive or agenda.---*Can't say this is a problem, although past things have left me wondering about someones motives more than I used to.

Another thing I would Google is "Schizoid Personality Disorder", I scored high for this also, but it seems alot of us do...a few other things tipped the scales to an Asperger's diagnosis.

Good luck outlander.

On the topic of marriage...

I solved my own problems when I decided to separate from the father of the two youngest. I found I displayed all the quirks mentioned that Beenthere commented about. I realized that the marriage thing was not for me any more, and especially to my NT husband. Too different and too much annoying each other.
I almost feel bad that it did not work out but that is the way it is.
Moving on.

Dh has called me Baby since he met me. When we got married, I was actually surprised he knew my name and I kind of jerked and looked at him with my mouth open. I think he's said my name a few times since then.

I really don't call him pet names, even honey or something like that. About 12 years ago I noticed that others did that and I wondered about it, but he never seems to care so I quit worrying about it.

We do get some strange looks if I go wandering off into something he considers dangerous (like the street) and suddenly he yells out "Baby!" Or, if we're out somewhere social and I'm staring off into space when he's told me five times that it's time to go. He'll suddenly yell, "Baby! Time to go!" That gets some odd looks.

I have been married for 1yr now and its ok...its a little hard for me because I have autism he is NT but i can see that he is leaning more and more towards aspie everyday haha...Just soemthing i sense in him....he is pretty good with my meltdowns and laid back with me...the only thing wwe fight about is the fact i cant get him to see that i cant do fifty things in one day..i need to do things slowly and that i can only go lets say to walmart and then one more store before im done for the day...its really hard for me to get that through his head haha...also he doesnt show emotions well so its hard enough for me to tell what he feels and makes it even harder because he doesnt show any at all other then he says i love you baby...soo thats my little rant and information lol....

Zanne, you've come back ! !! Good to see you post again ! !!

TM refers to me as "Luv" when we're out and about. I really like that. I call her "Sweets." Kinda old fashioned, but there ya go ...