The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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My wife and I nearly divorced last year. There were plenty of factors in our decision, but looking back Now I realize that my AS played a role in it.

I just found out about AS little more than a week ago. Last year, when we were getting divorced, my wife faulted me several times for what we now know to be my symptoms of AS. We haven't talked about it yet from our new perspective, but I suspect that we will. I don't know how she feels about that yet. I know that she loves me, and that AS isn't going to change anything; but now she knows why I behave the way i do sometimes. When she faulted me for my own nature, she (we) didn't know any better. I think she has become more accepting since our revelation.

I am an Aspie and my wife is bipolar with Anorexia when she was a teen.

This year we have been married 36 years and have two grown children.
Was it easy? OMG no. You wouldn't believe the things that have happened.

How did we do it? I guess we are both old fashioned.

" For better or worse. For richer or for poorer. In sickness or or in health"
We both took that seriously.

My wife (because of her condition) has attempted suicide many times. She has been in hospital many times.

There were times when If I had owned a gun I would have used it on myself.

Yet "tomorrow is another day"
Just get through today.

We still love each other and we still get through today.

My husband is about as NT as they come. He's very emotional and tends to be the lead in conversations with others.

I completely agree with the post about relationships that 'end' not having to be 'failures'. I have many 'ended' relationships but in no case do I or the other people feel they were failures. In most cases we still keep in touch so even after an end some form of relationship can continue but at a different level.

I just spent a good part of Christmas day reading this thread. Wonderful posts. Sympathized with posters, got mad at others, learned some things and laughed.

I loved Postpaleo's posts about "taking a bite first to see if it was a worthy gift". Glad to hear that someone else does that. I was taught to taste food that I cooked before serving and I took that concept one step further and taste cakes and pies before serving them. How do you taste a cake before you serve it? You eat a piece. I used to bake cakes and pies for friends and family but always ate a piece before gifting the food to make sure that it tasted good. If it didn't taste good I baked another. I got so much negative feedback about serving food that had a piece missing that I switched to baking cookies, brownies, muffins, basically stuff where I could eat some and not offend others.

I have been married for 28 years, total of 30 years in a relationship with my DH (dear husband). I was recently diagnosed with AS and now realize that he has a lot of the traits, too. If we could afford an assessment for him, I bet he would be dxd with AS or HFA. My assessment was paid for by a government agency or I would never have been dxd.

We love each other dearly but rarely kiss, hug or tell each other "I love you". My husband often pats me on the head or strokes my head as a show of affection. We probably say ILU about 3 times a year and that is usually after we watch some sappy movie where someone says ILU to a dying spouse and that prompts one of us to say it, and the other to say "me too".

Neither one of us are into clothes. We wear our favorites until they fall apart. We buy clothes at the thrift shop and splurge on new shoes every year or so. I wear my underwear inside out because of the seams. I have always cut out clothing tags. I dressed like a total slob before I met my husband. Now when I attempt to look good, which isn't often, I ask my husband how I look and expect him to be honest. He doesn't offend me when he says something looks bad on me or makes suggestions. I wouldn't ask if I didn't want the truth.

DH thankfully never reads some hidden meaning into what I say. I've had friends and co-workers who did that to me and it was horrible. I take what he says as truth, also.

We don't often give each other gifts. Neither one of us can remember birthdays or our anniversary. We put the dates into electronic calendars but just seeing a reminder doesn't make it any easier to complete the task of selecting and purchasing a gift. We both are horrible procrastinators. After a few years of bumbled occasions we talked it over and decided that it was too stressful to try and celebrate those occasions, besides, gifts weren't important to either one of us. Who needs more stuff? Life is much easier now.

DH thought that all women loved jewelry. I can't stand to wear jewelry. I had to get a square wedding band before I could tolerate wearing a ring. He loves to see a woman wearing jewelry. I got my ears pierced for him but I couldn't stand wearing earrings. I can't tolerate necklaces, either. He used to buy me jewelry but I never wore it. Eventually he stopped buying it for me and I was very grateful.

We tell each other when our breath stinks or our hair is sticking up or there is something in our teeth or nostrils. We take care of each other when we are sick or after surgery. We are getting old and our bodies have aged. We never criticize each others body.

I am more AS than my DH. If I am standing or working in a location and he wants to get past me he often says "Excuse me" and waits. I say "You are excused" and stay where I am. This is a common communication problem between us. People often say excuse me when they perform bodily functions and I have learned the polite response is to say you are excused but not to ask them what they did. When I was younger I always asked why someone wanted excused. To be honest, I used to ask "Did you fart or something" until I was taught that wasn't polite. I don't pick up on the fact that he wants me to move. He has to say "move" before I get out of his way. He thinks I should know why he said excuse me. Silly, I know but we sold our large house and moved into a tiny apartment so being in each others way is something new for us. Eventually I'll get trained.

I am logical and good with numbers. I do the banking and pay the bills. I also do the cooking, cleaning and laundry. DH does the yard, or used to when we owned our own home, most of the shopping (using my lists), takes care of the vehicles and fixes almost anything that needs repaired. He works, I'm looking for another job.

Our biggest problem: DH has this little plastic thingy that he picks his teeth with after every meal. He is like the old fart that walks around with a toothpick in his mouth. He has picked his teeth around me since the day I first ate a meal with him. I can't stand the sound. I think he should pick his teeth in the bathroom but he thinks I'm just "too sensitive". He says it doesn't bother anyone else. I think no one else is honest enough to tell him that it is gross and noisy. You would think that he would be done in a few seconds or max 1 minute but I've timed him and he often picks for 30 minutes. I think it becomes an unconscious act after a while. We often watch a movie while we eat which means I can't just get up and leave the room. After he has picked for 1 minute I'm ready to explode and will ask him to stop. He gets mad at me and after a few choice words he quits. That or we fight and I leave the room. Happens every night after dinner. Every night. Maybe someone can come up with a solution. Perhaps I could pause the movie, set a timer for 5 minutes, leave the room and get him to agree to stop picking when the timer goes off. I honestly don't know what to do but I'm tired of having the same argument for almost 30 years.

DH totally understands that I can't handle social functions. He loves talking to people, listening to bands and dancing. I've watched him in action and he has some social skill issues but even when people walk away while he is talking, he doesn't get upset. He just tries again. I don't understand it but he loves being around people and dancing. I don't dance. He is happy to go places by himself. I want him to have a good time and am grateful that he doesn't force me to go with him. We trust each other and have zero jealousy.

DH often talks to me as if I was in his head and knew what he was thinking. I'm not sure how to explain this better. It's like he knows the setting and the characters and the story line but starts talking to me about the conclusion. That isn't very clear but you may get the idea. When I ask him to explain what he talking about he often replies that he thought I knew what he was thinking.

DH has an innate sense of direction and loves to drive. He can look at a map of a city and memorize major streets and be driving around like a local within a short time. I have lots of visual and spatial issues and get confused just walking a couple of blocks from home, further than that and I'm lost. He does the driving. I overload in the car and he has learned to ignore my meltdowns.

DH can handle noisy places but has ASD (audio processing disorder) and can't remember verbal instructions. I can't tell him what errands I want him to do and what to buy at the store. I overload in grocery stores so he does most of the shopping. We have worked out a method of me writing him notes, he using a PDA and both of us carrying cell phones. It usually works.

I have a horrible habit of needing to blurt out what I am thinking. I process my thoughts by talking to myself, or to others but I need silence if I am doing something that is important, like doing intense computer work or taking a test. I can't multi-task. I do one thing at a time and I usually do things slowly. The more stressed I am, the slower I get and when I'm super stressed I have to check what I've done multiple times before I go to the next step.

I can't talk and do something at the same time unless I am announcing the steps of what I am doing at the same time that I am doing them. I don't get upset if I am interrupted but I lose focus which often creates bad results. Like if I am asked to do something while I am cooking I may leave the stove and forget about what I am cooking and burn the food. If I try and talk and do something at the same time I will say a couple of words, go back to what I was doing, say a couple more words, and then forget what I was talking about. Drives DH crazy. He has learned that I need to finish what I am doing before I can answer his question.

I have acute hearing. I bought wireless headsets when they first came out and we use them for anything where volume is an issue - basically everything! We each control our volume control.

DH likes to read, listen to music, watch TV, or a movie without being interrupted. He gets really irritated if I interrupt him. I work hard at leaving him alone. It is really hard for me. I blurt out comments while watching movies and often I have to leave the room or clamp my mouth shut to keep from talking. Sometimes I set a timer and don't talk till it goes off. DH taught me a hand signal to use if I absolutely need to tell him something in public instead of interrupting him. He will talk to someone for hours if they will listen so sometimes I have to interrupt.

I am messy in my office and with books and papers but keep a spotless kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and closet. I'm only messy with office type stuff and written material. DH used to be super organized and clean up after me but I meltdown when I look for things where I last left them so he has learned to ignore my mounds and piles.

I feel blessed to have found my husband, actually, he found and pursued me. I have more sensory issues so he makes more concessions for me than I do for him. We may not be romantic and tend to argue about silly things like the pronunciation of words and tooth picking, but we suit each other. We are committed to each other and will be together until one or both of us die.

My parents always slept separately. My mom told me she and my dad had different sleeping habits. My husband now sleeps in another room. I do kick around when i sleep plus i love reading before i fall asleep. That is if the book isn't real good, in which case i stay up until whenever. LOL

Take care all

My parents did, as well, and passed that on. My husband and I are also so committed, for which I am grateful. The rough spots are rough, obviously, but the reward at the end is rich.

I wouldn't like the thought of expossing my volnerable body every day of the week either.

Only one week ago I heard the term "Asperger" for the first time. After obssesively reading as much info as I can scrape up, I have no doubt that I have known quite well for the past 30 years what Asperger's Syndrome is all about because I live it every day.
My wife of 9 years doesn't understand at all and makes me feel stupid all the time. We have been separated for the last 8 months because she can't see why I tend to be boring and don't cope well in social environments.
I imagine I am going a bit overboard trying to explain to her how this works and why I do some weird stuff.
She claims that I am trying to use this as an excuse and trying to hide behind a condition.
I try my best to act normal ( what the hell is normal anyway?) and end up falling apart in a bundle of nerves, and the more self concious I get about whatever it is that I am doing that is "not normal", the worse the stress becomes.
I have been learning about copeing skills for depression and anxiety for the last few years and sometimes they do help, but overall, I've been a bit of a mess psychologically.
I do tend to get into very negative mood patterns and I try hard not to let that happen.
I can't blame my wife for thinking that I don't care because she never knew the reality of this and all she could see was my resistance to change.
Truth is, I am completely dedicated to her and our 6 yr old daughter and I love them both more than anything else I could possibly imagine.
This has been going on for such a long time now, that even though she is now aware that I am an Aspie, she is fairly unsympathetic.

Has anyone else had similar experiences in their relationships?

Any advice that might help me keep my sanity and possibly save my marriage?

I'm running out of ideas.

BlackKnight,

I hope this response isn't coming too late. You might try posting your questions separately under a new thread. The "sticky threads" don't seem to get the same frequency of responses as newly created threads.

I have had some fairly similar experiences. I am newly diagnosed and hadn't even considered AS as a possible diagnosis until sometime in late April/early May. It hit me with a ton of bricks... to finally have one primarily explanation for most of my life experiences.

Unfortunately I don't think I have any great solutions on the marraige front. My 18th anniversary is this coming Monday and I am often amazed we are still together. It certainly has not gotten any easier. To be honest, it seems to get harder over time.

We recently began seeing a counselor who specializes in aspy-NT relationship issues. To be honest, I'm not sure how much of our issues really are attributable to our differences in brain wiring versus just "garden variety issues" that all marraiges tend to struggle with. But, this counselor does seem to be a good match for us. I think that will help as, in the past, we have not had much success with counseling. (Or, perhaps counseling is like an addictive substance... you have to continue to use it to feel better. )

But seriously, the one thing I can say that might help is seeking counseling from someone who specializes in aspy-NT marraiges. Also, try posting your message in a new thread. I bet others will have some helpful suggestions.

Best,

Hello , I have been married for 8 years, and we have been together for 13..We have 3 children, A boy 7 ( ASD ) , Eldest Girl 9 ( semantic pragmatic language disorder), and little girl 4 ( Driven by some internal force, time will tell )..I have severe Tourettes and Aspergers, my wife has ADD/ADHD...it seems to work..

I find marriage, kids etc really hard, the mental gymnastics required to maintain 'family man' ( really stretching the word 'family' there) are exhausting...

Sorry, I do not know how to 'ease' into a thread..

Welcome "themainmeal"!

I hear you about the mental gymnastics. For me, raising children is a piece of cake--including both my (presumably) NT daughter (though she's only 5) and AS son (age . I don't have any issues with either of them.

But, for my wife, our AS son is a holy terror. She can't seem to hold it together to parent him for any length of time. I think he senses that some of his behaviors cause her to more or less fall apart, which just eggs him on.

In my case, when he acts out, I immediately process it like Mr. Spock, with no emotion, or I wait for 15 seconds while laughing inside (because, since he clearly loves me dearly, when he says something contrary it seems hilarious to me), then process the behavior like Mr. Spock. The point is, that by processing his inappropriate actions without emotion, I can easily respond in an appropriate fashion to help him correct the behavior without it escalating.

To be honest, the only part of family life that is difficult for me is the marraige... I can see why my son acts out more when my wife falls apart. It just makes me want to run and hide.

I wish there were more realistic books to help AS folks in relationships with people who, though they may be NT, are nowhere near as well-adjusted seemingly trouble-free as the Stepford husbands and wives that are presented in current AS-NT relationship books. Meanwhile, I've yet to meet an aspie that is as clueless as those presented in these books... Sure some of the examples make sense if I think about how my mind worked when I was 8... but 39 years later, I've learned not to do most of the silly things these books claim are somehow reflective of how adult aspies behave.

Here's one really stupid example to drive home the point. In illustrating "typical" conflicts encountered in AS-NT relationships, one book I recently read actually claimed that an NT wife had instructed her long-time middle-aged, aspie husband that,

"John should not be allowed to set foot on our property."

According to the book, the aspie husband subsequently allowed John to drive his vehicle to the husband's workshop, which was on the property, and then somehow amble around the inside of said workshop without setting either of his feet on the floor .... (Perhaps he walked on his hands or did the canine bottom-scootin' boogie across the floor (but with his feet somehow elevated slightly above the floor...)

Well give me a freaking break! That's preposterous! And even if somehow the story were somehow true, what kind of moron would his wife have to be to continue using colloquial statements like that after years of observing her husband's tendency to take statements 100% literally, often leading him to, purposely or inadvertently, circumvent her wishes.

Ok. I'm done venting. Hopefully no one has been offended by my rant.

Peace,

Hello No_Exit , I find sharing my wife difficult still..I think it will always be the case...I also struggle with kids moving around me, I hate movement and sound if its random, as far as their personalities are concerned, I think they are great, I have a good laugh with them. As the bulk of my memories concerning the children are only stored ( in a way that is accessible ) if they impact my senses ( I do not retain emotional memories ), my experience of and memory of experience of them is mostly bad, though I remember crisply when I have pissed myself laughing when my daughter has made me laugh ( she has a bone dry sense of humour )...

Uhm... I assume you meant to say sharing "with" my wife? Or not..

Anyways, my (AS) husband and I have been married for 19 years, together for 21. We have 3 kids. Yes, kids can be "work", and I know that sometimes it's just too much for my husband to handle. He's often said or requested, more or less, a script or recipe to follow when it comes to raising kids. I've told him that there is no such thing, just have to take each situation as it comes. Same with dealing with marital issues. A few ground rules, yes, but a full map, no.

Just try to take each situation as it comes. I know it's hard for my husband, so maybe for you also.

I meant sharing my wife's time with the children, I basically want her all to myself. As my children are very similar to myself, it is not as grim as I make it sound, the bulk of the problems I have with the kids are sensory...

Maybe your wife would like the Love and Logic books.

Here's the website http://www.loveandlogic.com/

They have a FAQ Q and A about which of their books would be good for a parent whose child has autism, too. You can listen to some talks and read some articles on their website before checking out the books at the library if you don't want to invest in your own copy just yet. The point of the books is to always respond lovingly and logically, not emotionally.