The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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http://asdrelationships.freeforums.org/

Maybe some of you folks would like to help out here and grow this. I just made it to replace another board about AS/NT marriages. WP is a bit intimidating for the NT, it seems.

I got engaged a few weeks ago.

CONGRATULATIONS!!

May your life together be filled with peace, joy, happiness, and every good thing you wish for yourselves.

Eliza

Good morning, everyone. I just read through this entire thread and found it both enjoyable and disturbing ... enjoyable because you all just seem so darn nice, and disturbing because it made me think back on my own marriage, which ended four years ago.

By the way, I've never been officially diagnosed with AS, but there's no doubt about it at all. When I first chanced upon the literature on it, it was like a blind man suddenly gaining sight. Here, at last, was a description of why I've been so weird all my life. And saying that, I well imagine that the experience was very similar with most of you ...

This insight happened just about the same time my marriage fell apart for good. I don't think that was a coincidence, but I don't necessarily blame AS for it, either. I've never told anyone else other than my wife about the AS.

Anyway, congratulations to those who have kept their marriage going for so many years. I'm quite envious of you. I'm especially envious when you talk about how your spouse is willing to communicate with you. Mine wouldn't. It's quite possible, of course, that the reason she wouldn't was in reaction to my AS. I don't imagine it's especially easy to communicate with a "stone man". Nonetheless, the phrase "if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you" is not very productive when trying to make a marriage.

So I thank you all for "going public" here with your insights, even if they are "disturbing" to an old coot who in some ways is still barely an adolescent ...

Hi Stone!

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce and the difficulty you and your wife had in communicating. There are a lot of good people who don't have access to the resources they need to put new tools in their marital toolbox to keep their marriage going strong. It wasn't too long ago that I came here in a crisis, but if we hadn't known about AS then I wouldn't have been able to do that. Having AS doesn't mean you can't ever change and it doesn't mean that you (or your wife) are bad people. You can get better at communicating if you want to. I don't know anyone (NT or AS) who couldn't benefit from that, and I know I surely did.

It's good to meet you and I look forward to talking to you more!

Thank you kindly

I hope your crisis got resolved in a good way.

And speaking of being better at communicating, I've noticed that the folks here seem so much more articulate than on "regular" forums. They write well-constructed sentences, there's not as much netspeak, and so forth. That's very refreshing, isn't it? Maybe it comes from our Aspie tendency to be precise and to want to get things right.

I'm 33 & been married 4 years. My AS definitely causes problems, but only as many problems as my husband's abrasiveness, aggression and supreme self-admiration.

We cannot see eye-to-eye on many things, and there has been much arguing lately. When we argue, he goes for all of my weak points. Every "button" he can press, he presses...says I'm pathetic, crazy, even threatens to break my legs or kick me in the face. By the time he says all he can think of, I'm in a rage. Further, I'm not loud enough to talk over his booming voice, and he interrupts (literally) every sentence I begin. I start to studder at some point. Eventually, all I can do is hit (although I always make sure it's on the arm or something lame. I mean, he's a 6'2," rugged, actually allows soap to get in his eyes in the shower because it doesn't bother him. I'm thin, 5'3" and not very strong). If I slap him, then the whole fight is my fault because I became "violent." I know it's inappropriate, but how can the slap of a waif be considered violence? Isn't that stretching the term? He'll say he was defending himself when he told me I am ruining my children and all the other random things he spouts. All of my AS traits are hurled out of his mouth, in a way that makes me feel hopeless..."you're so disorganized," "can't ever do anything on time," "totally break down during any holiday." Then he refuses to talk to work out our problems, and says to go work it out on your own or get online and tell someone who cares, because he is not concerned (he uses a more colorful phrase).

I cry and obssess during our fights over the horrible things he says, and the fact that his logic is flawed and he refuses to discuss the validity of what. I guess I am truly annoying and obnoxious, and he's just a careless bag of wind.

He tells me lies to hurt me during a fight, then later admits it was a lie. Then during subsequent arguments, he'll tell me the same lie. I get so burnt out trying to figure out whether he's lying or telling the truth, that I feel like all my electromagnetic bonds are breaking down and all the atoms in my body are scattering adrift - because nothing can hold me together when nothing makes any sense! He'll tell me his family does not like me because of the way I act. I told his sister this recently, and she said he's really good at saying the things that hurt. [but I've also experienced first-hand how she tells lies quite frequently and casually. So, I don't know whether to believe her.]

The day after a bad fight, he's fine. He doesn't recall the details and refuses to discuss the fight, because there's "nothing wrong." Meanwhile, back in my reality, I feel no different, haven't stopped fuming, and will sometimes recall the details for weeks, months, years. I think there's many things wrong with telling your spouse about their horrible traits. If I hear the same crap over & over, won't I eventually believe & become it? Is it my problem or his?

I'm seeking therapy, but it's hard to be too honest. The law in my state will not protect my psychiatric records in a custody battle. I can't risk my children.

I almost don't know what to do. I think maybe continued therapy & meditation. Keep trying to assert myself. Learn to walk away & be silent when things don't make sense. I don't know.

I've been married for over two years to an NT man. We argue occasionally but never have real fights. He gets cranky very easily though Lucky for me though he's a behavior therapist working with autistic children, so he has knowledge about AS and dealing with my "quirks". I do tend to annoy him quite often though, heh.

I have been married to an NT women for over 12 years. I honestly don't think I could live without her. Not in a high school crush sort of way, but in the functioning of the day to day activities. Besides a stay at home mother, she handles all the household finances and planning. She does all the shopping, including my work clothes, to ensure I don't look like an idiot. Tells me which shirts to tuck in and which shirts to not tuck in. Calls and schedules all of my appointments becuase she knows I won't do any if it involves a phone. (I do most the house work as a trade off) Besides my wife, she is kind of my guardian, for the lack of a better word. Come to think of it, I have never lived independently. I went from parents house to marriage house. I guess there's incentive right there for me to stay married. As a side note, she said if I ever passed away, she would probably look for and marry another aspie. So if anyone wants a attractive women to take care of them you going to have to get rid of me.

I don't think we argue anymore then any other married couple. Perhaps less. I'm not a real confrontational person. I'm kind of like electricity. I'll take the path of least resistance. As long as I get some time to do my thing, I don't care too much about the rest.

I think her biggest complaint is that she doesn't think I think about her. She says if I thought about her I would call and/or suprise her with flowers or stuff occasionally. This type of stuff and spontaneity eludes me. So I applied some good old fashion aspie ingenuity to the problem. I spent a few weeks writing down the things she liked; flowers, chocolate, iced chai tea, foot rubs, intimate time, asking her about her day (phew!), etc... Then I wrote a program at work, inputted all of her things in and the days of the week. Now I go into the office Monday morning and hit the button. The program chooses the day of the week and the item. There it is- spontaneity, aspie style.

This is something I supremely appreciate about my husband, yet, since I came to better understand the nature of our relationship and my needs as a person with AS, is the thing I most worry about. There are things that he does for me that kind of makes him my caretaker and I am very uncomfortable with that. I don't like straightening out problems with utilities, banks, contractors, etc., on the phone or pretty much anything financial that is not dead simple, or being the social secretary. Other stuff, no problem. I understand that in a marriage you take care of each other, watch each others' back, comfort each other, and he seems to be fine with dealing with those areas that are difficult to me (and says so). But I really don't like to think of him as a caretaker. Sounds like a job description, not a role. It is probably one thing I'll never get used to (we've been married for over 30 years). OTOH, I don't think twice about doing the things he "can't do", but they are more in the nature of phobic-type things.

Hello, all. I would like to tell you about my marriage. It is the best thing that ever happened to me. It is the least stressful situation I have ever been in. It's the most fun I have ever had. Since I got married, I have felt like a real person for the first time. For someone with AS, who never had a date or a relationship for 36 years, it is an incredible story.

I used to live in Canada. I am a record collector. In 1996, I subscribed to a newsletter for collectors of Beatles bootlegs. I placed an ad in the classified section, and dealt with people from all over. One of them was a young woman in Mississippi. We did a couple of transactions, and then started to open up a bit in correspondence, like you would with someone you're getting to know, who is interested in the same thing as you are. At one point, she wrote that she was moving back to Florida to get her Master's degree in music, and couldn't do any business for awhile... but would I still write to her? Well, of course I would. We got to know each other on paper, and discovered that we had all these things in common, and slowly, it became a long-distance relationship. I got on a plane for the first time to come to Florida to meet her. People told us we were nuts; her friends and family were concerned that I was an axe murderer or a con artist. Nonetheless, for two years, we wrote letters of up to 35 pages to each other, and I eventually got my long-distance calling privileges revoked by the phone company for being in arrears, so she called me. She flew up to visit me twice more, I visited her once again, and proposed. Four months later, I flew here for the last time. We were married a week later, in May 1998. My Green Card arrived about a year later. If the INS has been checking up on us, they must know it wasn't a scam, because we're homeowners now, and all of that.

Our marriage didn't get off to a rocky start. After the initial shock of it being real, and here we were together wore off, it has become the most comfortable thing, ever. In eleven and a half years, we have never had an argument. No tears, no raised voices, no name-calling, no stress. I believe we are the first people who really understood each other. There is also the part about having come here from poverty and isolation, failure is not an option. I can't go back to that. I just can't. I'd never get there what I have here. I never got it before; there's no reason to believe I'd get it again. So I do not fail.

We agreed early on that we weren't having any children. She feels no maternal instinct, and my life being what it has, I am just plain terrified at the prospect of being someone's dad. There isn't anything I want less in the whole world than children. I'm not equipped to train someone to be a normal human being, since I don't really have much of an idea how to be one myself. So that's just out of the question.

My wife handles the things that I can't. I was surprised to read among these posts that some AS folks can't deal with people on the telephone. I'm one. She does that for me, making appointments and such. She also drives; I don't. She does the books and pays the bills. I could, but she started all the accounts before I got here, and they're in her name. The money to pay for them comes from our joint account, so no problem. We are both musicians, and we have our own areas of interest. I collect records and CDs, she collects books and manga, and is the editor of a book review website. We are always just down the hall from each other, she on her computer and me in my record room on mine. I can't be like all the men I've known, who come home and plop into the La-Z-Boy recliner and watch TV until bedtime, monopolizing the room. Neither of us feels the need to be entertained by the other at all times. It's a comfortable relationship. We are individuals who come together to make something bigger than the both of us. I live to make her laugh, and do it at every opportunity. I taught her to cook. She taught me that I didn't have anything to be afraid of anymore.

I come from a long line of dysfunctional people, most of whom have great difficulty maintaining relationships. Most of my aunts and uncles have been divorced. My parents were divorced. My sister has been divorced twice. Most of the non-family people I've known in my life have been divorced, or have suffered through long, disastrous marriages. In addition to the difficulties I've faced as an AS person, just seeing that happen over and over scared me. I thought I'd never get married, if that's what it was like. And then my wife happened to me. I left my previous life behind to come here and start from scratch, because she was worth it. If I had listened to everybody back home, and never pursued this avenue, I would be kicking myself for the rest of my life. Because this is the one thing about which I knew I was right. It has been the best time of my life. My marriage has gone so well, I have to wonder why other people find it so difficult. (Well, actually, I know now why they find it so difficult - insecurity, ego, immaturity, unrealistic expectations...) This has been the easiest thing I have ever done, and for me, having someone love me has been better than it's described in all the books and songs and movies. My family didn't love me. I had no idea what it was like. Now I wouldn't give it up for anything.

More than anything, I know how lucky I am. I know where I've been, and how it used to be. And now, my life doesn't suck anymore, at least at home. My wife understands my condition, for want of a better term. She knows I don't say things to insult her, and if something I said sounds harsh, she knows it made sense to me in my own mind, it just came out differently than others might have phrased it. But I am extra careful not to say things to her that are harsh, because I want her to love me, and like me, and you can't sustain that by being harsh. We balance each other out. I've never had a friend like her. She "gets" me. Damn, I am lucky.

I don't know how to end this. Don't hate me for having a storybook marriage! No one is more surprised by it than me.

Well, that covers the "verbose" aspect of the AS description, doesn't it!

Recipies for a good relationship:

Chinese thought from 3500 years ago:

"A husband and wife should always act as though they are a man and woman that have just met. Thereby they will always be most polite and kind to one another."

In other words... Don't allow familiarty to breed contempt.

***********************

Khalil Gibran:

"But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls."

Self explanatory...

***********************

Don't make your partner pack more than their baggage!
You won't like them after you've turned them into your jackass, and they won't think much of you, either.
- Pete, the prospector

Right to the point :wink:

This thread makes me so happy.

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for a year and half. He knew me before I got diagnosed and has become a comfort zone for me. He also pushes me to do things that he thinks I can handle just in case I ever have to.
We do still fight, because I think it's impossible to not, but he is incredibly supportive. He is an NT, but we suspect he might have OCD and possibly ADD.
This is a forum full of Aspies, so I hope you understand this next statement better than anyone else I've tried to explain it to: Being with him is just as good as being alone.

We are still working through some communication issues, but I have yet to find a good book about a relationship between a male NT and female Aspie other than Lianne Willey's. If anyone knows of one, I'd love to hear about it.

Hi, I'm new here, and I'll risk commenting some older stuff:

For some reason this statement throws me into an "I am lost again" feeling: absurd IS funny, right - so why the "or"??? Or am I just too much of a "spectrumite" to appreciate / identify "normal" humor? (I have an ADHD diagnosis, and a wise and well read aspie claimed I definitely must be "double", i.e. addie+aspie)

Athena, confused

I have just finished reading this thread (for now). Wonderfully supportive people here!

Now I'll follow my own advice: Don't get too hungry, too angry or too tired - so I'm off to bed.

Take care, all & talk to you later!

Athena

Zkatchoo wrote:

That is so profound. I love it. It's the way I feel about my husband, but never saw it put into words before. I think I'm going to put those words in a frame and hang them in the kitchen.