The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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You know I was really getting in to the discussion until you made a point of dissing unmarried heterosexual couples. I CHOOSE not be married as I was married before and it was like hell on earth and then there was this legal entanglement which still rears it's ugly head from time to time 15 years later and I am not even in the same state.

It's so special to be labled an outcast amoungst other Aspies.

I'm sorry but I came here looking for support and the possibility of relating to others it just really crushes and angers me at the same time.

Here's my question:
I'm almost 30, and I've been in a handful of rather long, and at times rather awful relationships.

I've finally found "the one". He is ADHD and seems to be the perfect balance to my ASD. Where he can be wreckless and irresponsible (finances, big decisions taken too lightly), I am thorough and careful. Where I am overly obsessed (how plates are put away, what people are thinking of me), he encourages me to just lighten up and stands patiently by my side to calm me down.

So here's the thing:
At 36, he has been married and divorced twice. My family is Catholic, so they only even know about the one marriage...and it makes them distrust him somewhat (Catholics don't "believe" in divorce). Sometimes I want to marry this man more than anything, but other times thinking of being someone's THIRD WIFE really disgusts me.

Has anyone gone through all the steps to become legally connected to someone (common law or whatever it's called in your state) without really making it a public matter? Recommendations for or against the process?

I also tend to think of things like "If we got married, we could share insurance benefits." He finds it weird that that's the best argument I can make. I'm not much of a romantic.

Anyone else in a similar situation where you know you want to be with someone forever yet "marriage" doesn't quite seem like the right thing to do? I'd appreciate any advice or reflections on the situation.

We live together, with both our names on the lease, we have 2 cars together, with both our names on the insurance policies. Our utilities are in both of our names. We do NOT have shared bank accounts, for the aforementioned ADHD poor financial management reason. What else would change besides having access to health insurance and tax stuff?

I guess I'm a little late joining here - my wife and I were married 11/07/09 after being close friends (albeit cross-country for much of the time) for almost ten years. I have AS; my wife is not on the spectrum but deals with her own issues including depression. I am 33, she is 32, first marriage for both. She makes me extremely happy, and we complement each other in terms of modes of thinking and interests... not carbon copies of each other by any stretch but with much common ground.


M.

Hi, I am a married Aspie with four children. This July will be our 25th anniversary. The journey has not been an easy one for my wife. We spent many of years going to marriage counseling. The counselors could never figure out the problems. My wife kept telling them that she could never win an argument with me and seemed never to be fulfilled from our relationship. Sometimes, they put her on medicines or sleeping pills. Then finally in 2008, while taking an test at a counseling center, the counselor noticed that I was not processing like other people. Then I was given a brain scan and other tests which diagnosed me as having Asperger's Syndrome. This has not instantly made things better, it even made her question our marriage. I think she felt cheated that she did not know this before we got married. I just began threapy sessions today. Well, I do hope it will make things better for her and I. As far as my children go, well that has also and is still a very rocky road.

My wonderful wife Sharon actually diagnosed my Asperger's - after researching the subject online for 2 days! Since she informed me of her opinion, our already great relationship has flourished further.

I know I'm replying to a rather old post, but I can't help responding for the sake of anyone out there in a similar situation.

IMHO the best thing you can do for your children is make yourself as healthy and happy as you can be (I know this isn't new advice, but I really do believe in it). Your unhappiness may affect your children more than you know, and being healthy and happy enough to care for them most effectively is necessary if it comes down a custody battle.

Valuing the relationship and kindness are the two simple things that a marriage counselor taught me and my wife years ago. We don't have a rosy marriage, but our marriage is much better now than it ever was before. If you can get some marriage counseling, that would probably be a very good thing, even if you do ultimately get divorced.

IMO any level of physical assault on your husband is unjustifiable no matter how big he is or how small you are. Early in our marriage my wife used to hit me occasionally during arguments without remorse and she seemed to think it was perfectly acceptable because I am so much bigger than she is. One day I explained to her that just because I am much larger doesn't mean I am numb and it is just as inappropriate for her to act that way toward me as it would be for her to act that way toward a child. She was essentially shamed into controlling herself and I don't think she has hit me since.

It also doesn't seem very wise for you to be starting a physical fight with someone so much bigger than you. If your husband is capable of the level of self-restraint necessary to not hit back you are very lucky so far. Keep in mind that your luck may not last.

I am married and have a son. My husband and I knew each other quite a while before we got married. I guess I got pretty lucky to find someone with enough patience to get to know me and understand me. He was never put off with me, never became impatient, and always remained understanding. However, we do have our issues in relation to AS. He is a sensitive person and as you know, we tend to not express emotions and speak monotonously, tend to not display facial expressions, and we are very blunt. These characteristics are some that he still has some trouble with. Often, he thinks I am angry or that I am trying to be mean to him because I don't smile and I'm too honest. That's something we're always working on but he still understands and stays patient. Being a mother, it's been a challenge to use facial expressions and use different tones in my voice. I have no problem expressing my love to my son but it's hard to remember to smile and baby talk with him. I have to constantly remind myself that he needs that so my husband helps me through it. I think I get a better handle on it by the day with his support, as well as just by having my son. My son has made such a difference in my life by helping me slowly grow out of AS... or should I say, learn how to mask it.

Jerry newport and I have been in a high profile marriage for nearly a decade and a half. I used to go ballistic over news stories like Sixty Minutes that presented the relationship as a soft and fluffy human interest story. It wasn`t for better than a decade. At least Mozart and the Whale portrayed difficulty.
I am happily married now. But it took years to develope such a harmonious relationship. Now every day is a happily married day... after a divorce, remarriage, and a couple of separations. Now we are perfectly suited to eachotherand cannot imagine being apart ever again.
Marriage can take lots of hard work on both sides. But boy is it worth it when it works like a well oiled machine, at long last.

I dunno, maybe I'm being a bit cold here, but I do not think that her ex dying is enough of a direct reason for you to send her a card. My ex was shot in cold blood, and nobody sent me any condolence cards, much less said "sorry', because we were no longer together, although I did have a child with him.

However, if you wish to maybe change her mind about you being "weird", then you could send something short and sweet. With Asperger's in social situations, it is always wise to remember that "less is more".

I believe the correct way to handle this in the NT world is to seek her out next time you are stuck at a function with her, and say that you were sorry to hear about her ex. Then let her pick it up from there.

I am glad to hear from you Mary. I know Jerry has posted here on WP a little in the past. I can't wait to tell my wife that "Mozart and the Whale" had an even happier ending in real life than in the film, which ended a little ambiguously.

It's not wise, and my luck did run out. I see how the escalation was my fault, because I am out-of-control annoying. I perseverate and won't let up. I just can't see past what I think is the way to fix things. And he refuses to listen to my ideas. He thinks physical contact is the end all fix all, and he pushes to be close to me when I want to be left alone. He exploded the other night, and I have the bruises to remind me. I can hardly walk because he kicked me in my left knee. My arm is blue and purple, so I've had to wear long sleeves this week. My neck is bruised all the way down to my shoulder. I've been kicked in the stomach a few times, also. Now I'm not only obsessing about the things he's said to hurt me, but I want to erase the violence that I started.

Is there any hope after something like this?

Fathom73, I am shocked by your story and worried about you! It doesn't matter if you're "out of control annoying", and that you "perseverate". There is NO excuse for physical violence against a partner!! EVER!! It appears that you are trying to come up with excuses as to why it's "OK" for him to beat you and insult you. That is NEVER ok!!

In essense, you are in a relationship that may cost you your very life. I don't think any relationship is worth that.

As an aspie in a relationship with an NT, he will never understand you or why you think the way you do, or do the things you do, unless he is very sensitive and caring. It doesn't sound like that's the case. It appears that you two are stuck in a nasty feed-back loop of him chasing you for affection, you needing your alone time, then him hating you for it. To NT's, when we need time alone, they interpret that as a rejection and not our normal behavior. There are things you won't let go (my first husband called me a terrier dog, I grabbed onto things and refused to let go), this is true....do you deserve to be kicked and beaten black and blue for it?? Absolutely not.

In law enforcement terms, your husband is a criminal, a wife-beater, and has a severe anger issue. In psychological terms, your self-esteem is so low that you figure that you deserve the abuse you get, and you are afraid that you won't be able to find anybody else.

I don't know all the particulars of your relationship, but please, for your own safety, get help from a professional, and don't sugar-coat his physical abuse. If he cannot handle you as an aspie, there may not be much hope to save your relationship, and really, it may be for the best. There are so many great aspie guys out there who will more than understand your behaviors and accept you just as you are.

One last thing: If you are pushing for this physical violence that you know will come, this too needs to be addressed by a professional. Agitating somebody to beat you up may feel like the only way to resolve an issue, but you may just end up on the coroner's slab instead.

Quite frankly, no, and you should get out immediately. Pack a bag right now, gather up the essentials and walk out the door. It is not safe for you to be there. Call the police and file a report. Get a restraining order, and find yourself yourself some support for victims of domestic violence. This became a black and white issue the first time you were struck.

It won't be easy, but your life and your safety are worth it.

fathom73,

Have you heard Tony Atwood's recent talk on the AWA channel of BlogTalkRadio about women and AS? If not, please look it up now!! I heard some very important things in his talk there that I could relate to.

Specifically, I learned that a lot of AS women become victims for sexual predators and other violent or fraudulent criminals due to our inability to read the subtle signs of an abuser... and we almost always blame ourselves. I had a long string of seriously abusive relationships and almost died before I learned that I could not figure out if someone was a "good guy" on my own, and that I needed a few close NT women friends to help me screen my dates, as much as it killed me to ask for help. I had to surrender to that part of my AS and recognize that I could never be independent in that regard. Once I did that, I was able to find a good, loving partner who is better than anyone I could have possibly picked on my own.

This is really important. What is happening to you is NOT okay and in NO WAY is it your fault. Period. I'll be thinking of you...

i have been married for 11 years now; we've been living together (sometimes tempestuously) for 16 years now. my wife is NT (Myers-Briggs type ENTJ) & knows what it is like to be an outsider.

her biggest complaint with me is that i "don't listen" (which to me means i do listen but i misunderstand what she intended to say). i don't like it that she moves things & doesn't put them back, or turns them on & doesn't turn them off, ktp, but i usually don't even mention this to her. otherwise, we love each other very much & are happy without wanting children.

if there's any secret it's patience & agreeing to disagree.

but i think what makes two people equals, more than superficial similarity of outlook & tastes, or even psychological makeup, is having suffered the same amount. that disparity, it seems to me, is nearly unbridgeable.

m.

never mind!