The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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Maybe an infusion of new people can activate it.
My partner and I have been together for nearly five years and have a two year old (who has Patau syndrome, which has been interesting). We only recently realized that my Aspie tendencies were such a big issue in our relationship - he really thought I was getting more social information than I was, and thought I was being passive aggressive when I apparently took him too literally. We're trying to take my issues more seriously, and that's helping our communication a lot. He's ADD and the chaos is a challenge also...

We're an interracial couple as well - he's biracial, and some people have said that he would not be with me if he had been raised to be more secure in his identity. People suck.

Nice to hear a response! Sorry that people are being sucky to you, too. But since I posted this, we have become engaged, so I am very happy right now. People are just going to have to get over themselves!

It sounds more like, to me, that those who are saying this to you are feeling a bit insecure in their own "racial identity", and the comments are to make themselves feel better.

I agree, that is a really crappy thing to say. Race should have no bearing on love and compatibility.

Congratulations! I hope you two have a wonderful life together (and maybe educate a few others out of their prejudicial assumptions on the way lol!)

Thanks!

Congratulations! People will learn to deal, and they don't matter much anyway.

I'm not sure - I think they just have a different take on what is or is not a symptom of his insecurities.
It is a bit funny though - both his cousin (who is black) and my best friend (who is white) asked me if our daughter's genetic disorder was because he's black and I'm white. Two very intelligent women, but apparently genetics is not their strong point

I don't know if anyone else has had this situation. We just came out of two and a half years where he apparently forgot how much social information I miss - apparently I was a lot more NT while I was pregnant, and then after our daughter was born I went back to normal-for-me, and he thought I suddenly hated him.
(I say "apparently" a lot because I can't see it myself and have to take his word for it, but I do believe him.)
We went from a very close, fairy tale sort of relationship to fighting all the time and each of us thinking the other one had turned into a monster. I was outright suicidal, and he wasn't doing much better.
A couple weeks ago, I got a glimpse of how much more I miss than I thought I did, and he finally understood the extent of it too - and now we're back! Just like that. As long as we both remember that I can't read him and he can't read me, we're fine. It's wonderful, but terrifying that that's all it was.

Wow, you could be describing my relationship. Except we are both Aspie. He is a lot more borderline NT and often I find that I have misunderstood something, and then find myself getting upset with him because he can see it and I cannot.

That is just what we have to remember, too. That I can't read him, and he sometimes vastly misunderstands me! It sounds contradictory to what I just said, but it varies to both of us not understanding each other, to me not getting it and he does, or vice versa.

No, not contradictory at all! He misunderstands me if
a) I mean what I say. There's no hidden/social meaning. Here it's up to him to take what I say at face value ("ridiculously literal" according to him).
b) I'm using social cues, but they're the wrong ones. Here it's up to me to verbalize what I mean instead of expecting him to pick up on it. I'm still getting out of the habit of relying on these social cues that I thought were correct, but apparently were wrong or were not present at all.
If I misunderstand him, all I have to do is remember that if the conversation doesn't make sense, either he needs to be more literal or he needs to take me more literally. So then I remind him, and he looks like this as he tries to wrap his head around the literalness

I was getting resentful for awhile because I felt at a disadvantage, but I realized something. He can read people, but he can't always make sense of what he's seeing (probably related to ADD or limited social experience). Meanwhile if I know how people are acting, I can think of reasons for it (probably because I read so much), but knowing how people are acting is a missing piece for me. So we're becoming a good team - he'll say "So-and-so is angry and I don't know why" and (now that I know so-and-so is angry) I can try to figure out why. I don't know how close I'm getting to their actual motivations, but meanwhile it calms him down to know that there are reasons for all the emotions he sees around him and it keeps me clued in to their feelings.

That makes a great deal of sense to me. I know that often my fiance will misunderstand an expression on my face, or I will feel that he is being distant with me when he is merely tired. Such a jigsaw puzzle!

I *thought* really understood facial expressions well, but the online facial recognition quiz really shot that assumption down! Also, learning about AS this year has really helped me figure out some of my relationship "rough spots".

My DH is most likely on the spectrum as well and in the past we have had some really big misunderstandings. After almost 20 years together, we seem to have developed a personal signal-language where we just understand each other. We still have miscommunication errors, but the major issues have been worked out, so the mis-cues are no big deal when they happen.

I run into trouble when I think I understand (and am understood by) the rest of the world as well as I am with my husband.

The same here!

I think this is a good idea. I'm an NT married to an Aspie for 19 years. We just found out last year about Aspergers and I am very grateful for the knowledge. Now we both know what we're dealing with and we can actually talk about it. I am finding that talking is very important. I can understand what my husband is going through so much better now.

To the person questioning sending sympathy card to her sister-in-law; an old-fashioned card sent through the mail is indeed better. Less is more on the wording. I usually say something like, "my deepest condolensces" or, "keeping you in my heart at this time"; those are just ideas. Many Aspies are estranged from their families or their in-laws. My husband is estranged from his family at this time. My family has been told about his Asperger's and understand what's going on. They allow him his space.

bump!

I think aspergers people have hard time being around strangers. It definitely makes them feel uncomfortable. A lot of times we may accidentally say the wrong thing to inadvertently hurt their feelings, which makes the NT's not want to talk to us anymore since they don't realize that we think different. A lot of times when I tell the truth to my friends, they don't like it and will want to stay away from me or not talk to me as a result.

How does one control oneself to behave and talk in a more NT way so that aspies can succeed in the workplace as well as with other social relationships?