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Thank you!

That is what I am thinking

That's the point. He does the dishes if I ask him nicely each night. He doesn't do all of the dishes. In all honestly, I don't need that emotional understanding stuff more than I would like some actions.

Diagnosis probably won't change anything. I really just wish he would come on here, though. He could relate to so many of you. It would be such a good outlet for him.

My husband's mother helps out her husband (his father) almost too much. He does seem to have lost his independence and I can tell he is a bit frustrated. He is an undx aspie.

No need to apologize.
I deleted my original post because it was so darn scattered and confusing. It sounded like I was whining - complaining about stupid stuff. When I feel like venting, I should write because it comes out all wrong!

I had always thought that fridge magnets were invented to hold the paper with the list of house jobs the husband had to do in the weekend. Was I wrong?

What kind of psychology have you studied? I understand you are a speech therapist, which is quite specialised.

I don't think the advice here is going to be very sound because you simply cannot rely on online diagnosis.

As for narcissism, because everyone is essentially a narcissist (everyone is self cantered in their own way the only difference is the stimulus), you have to set a pretty high bar for clinical narcissism (and there is a good arguement for not making any distiction). There are many things that present like narcissism, which are not really

Don’t take this as an insult, but my observation is you need a lot of support and have constant concerns. I’m not saying this is bad, but for some people this is an incompatibility. Are you anxious?

The thing about clinical narcissism as per the definition (which is pretty arbitrary as are all clinical pathologies), it is not passive. Simply not caring about stuff, or appearing not to care and focusing on what you like does not a narcissist make.

The point about narcissist is they are not just content to get what they want, they must make sure that only they do, and they have undivided attention, they quite enjoy belittling other people, even having them suffer.

I'm only mention this because people constantly start doing the armchair diagnosis, especially when it does not present their political correct version of ASD. In a way it is understandable because people don't want to be tarred by the same brush. Thing is it is pretty blatant, not fooling anyone.

There is no diagnosis to be made online.

At Natesmom yo do realise you are technically NT I swear I read in this thread that you has ADHD or was it ASHD

Basically the OP isn't going to be happy unless everyone tells her exactly what she wants to hear.

Sorry, this is completely OT, but... what?? Open sourcing is not threatening logically-based brain jobs; the faltering economy is. Open sourcing may have shaken up the industry, but it is certainly not eliminating the need for people in the industry.

Hey Natemom, then here's what you do...
[Rant]... it kinda clues everyone in. =o)
Everyone here does it. LOL



Well, dang woman, you do love a challenge. And that's one hell of a detail to omit. May I suggest in future, before you start a rant or anything else about your husband, you let everyone know that? Eg. "My husband who is AS and bipolar (currently in a hypomanic phase)..."

Why would you think the current difficulties are AS and not BiP-hypomanic phase? I've got a friend who is BiP--no AS anywhere--and in his depressed phase he is sooooo self-absorbed he's outwardly non-functional. And pretty foul to be around.

I'm glad the two of you have been able to talk about the current difficulties a bit, and that you've discovered written notes may be helpful. Maybe he doesn't have such a sorry attitude afterall... except for the BiP concrete coffin.

Do you have a copy of "Counselling for Asperger Couples", by Barrie Thompson? I think you might find it very helpful. One of the things it stresses is putting information in short, concise statements. With time for him to process it (the average required is 8 seconds).

Did you also mention that you may be mildly AS, too? Or did I get confused? (Your posts are getting pretty long, and that invites skimming, which inevitably results in misunderstanding. Remember: short, concise if you want an Aspie to track you)

Perhaps, if the hypomania is seasonal, in future you can plan ahead and find ways to minimize its impact on you and the kids... like a long trip, leaving him at home. Separate living arrangements. (semi-facetious)

As long as you feel he's making some effort and not just in it to use you (the ol' from momma's titty to wife's), then hang in there. But marriage is a two way street, you've both got to give and take. Still encouraging counseling... as you are a psychologist, you know the value of objective observations. I'm thinking you might want to re-evaluate your co-dependency issues.

I thought he eventually does do all of the dishes, just not in the order you would like.

Also, have you thought about the idea that what he considers to be actions that demonstrate his love aren't what you are expecting?

I think he meant out-sourcing.

You're a psychologist who works with asperger's children, have several family members who have it, and are able to professionally diagnose it... So if you're an expert, why are you coming here asking what's wrong with him? I understand that you are a bit close to the situation to be objective, but nobody here can actually observe what's going on, we're not only removed from the situation in not knowing you or your family and not being able to see any of these dynamics, we're also only hearing what it is that you know, so despite not being able to witness any of what's going on, we're also still just as subject to your bias as you are, since all of the information we have on the situation is coming from your point of view. Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't see how anyone here could possibly tell you what is or is not wrong with your husband.

Edit to add: Whether it's Asperger's, a personality disorder, or just his personality (those are the three main possibilities, right?)... those are all things that are very unlikely to change. His behavior is what it is, and if you can understand and/or live with it, you can, and if you can't, you can't. It doesn't sound as though this is anything new.

Last edited by Maggiedoll on 08 Jul 2009, 9:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

So clinical narcissism is kinda like a drama queen at its worst? I can recognize it easily in dudes, but in women, well it sounds an awful lot like someone I know, but only a window of that person as opposed to the whole person if that makes any sense and I'm sure it doesn't.