Dealing with Rage as an Adult

Post Reply New Topic

I do alot of fuming and walking around cussing. They are meltdowns but almost always because something has happened that makes no sense. There is no logical progression of behavior or facts for me to understand. Before the meltdown I am digging and examining something to find the logic in what has happened, all of which just gets me all going farther into the mess. I can't handle complicated, when it is naturally a simple thing. I can handle complicated if everyone is very careful to do their part, even if it is slow. I like when things are done slow and careful.

I almost don't have anger problems. If there is a conflict, I want to talk with him and try to find a compromise that is acceptable by both parties. There are situations that make me angry. Then I could do things that aren't aggressive themselves but speed up losing my anger. That is playing a game, World of Warcraft for example, singing, playing on my synth, walking. Or I find distraction or I do nothing, just wait... and slowly my anger disappears. Yelling and screaming wouldn't help a thing and make things worse. The other party will be less willing to work on a solution to the conflict.

I often feel happy and I smile often and laugh at the smallest jokes as long as I get the clue. I might be approachable by people because of that reason.

Have had a read of the stuff you guys experience with your rage. I think I err on the side of those who repress, until the 'final straw' sets me off. As it did today. Here is a paraphrase of an exchange between me and a boss this afternoon:

Me: So, this thing?
Her: Yes, the thing. Explain, explain, justify, blatantly obvious unfair bit...
Me: (leaping on the unfairness) GRaaaaaahhhhh!! !!
Her: If you would just let me finish
Me (meekly, small voice): Yes, sorry (Internally: Graaaaaaaahhhhh)
Her: Explain, justify, unfair unfair
Me: (Calmly, very controlled) Please notice this is unfair
Her: I do, but explain justify unfair
Me (apologetically but firmly): It is still unfair, please take seriously.
Her: Blah blah blah (I've tuned out now cos internal stuff is doing my head in. Feel tearful shaky and ashamed)

Thankfully this happened at the end of the day. I was able to hide and cry after that. Does it sound familiar? (I'm kinda new to this?)

I came looking on the net tonight especially to find out about how others experience this anger thing. I am better these days, what with my medication, with understanding my aspergers, a lot of work, and being off dairy products, oddly. But I still struggle on a daily basis, more of a high level irritability I guess, with outbursts. They do come from frustration mainly I think, but unfortunately, frustration over every day things that cannot change, which makes it difficult to avoid!

I used to be so eaten up with guilt over my behaviour, though it wasn't physical, but still, behaviour can be bad without being violent. And I would repress with everyone outside the family, where I feel "safe", so I'd feel guilty that the very ones I loved were copping it worst. But it was overwhelming, seeing-red anger. I don't feel I'm so bad anymore, but still, I could definitely improve.

I also experienced the whole 0-60 thing. I think now that it was mostly because I don't seem to recognise the stress I'm feeling until it's overwhelming; I don't feel the symptoms coming on until it's all over, rover. Now I am alert to recognise my daily circumstances, and when I can expect that I must be stressed, even if I don't feel it, and sometimes seeing my behaviour change, like, the housework piling up more than usual, or being more snappy (than usual). When I'm not stressed, I can be such a lovely, patient, kind person - but then there's the alterego.

And then there's the anger and rudeness that come from not being able to express feelings or objections in a more subtle, or adult, way. I further eroded my relationship with my mother just today in this way, by being brutally "honest". And of course, this reads as unforgivably rude. I probably am, I just don't intend to be.

In fact, I think the reason I so carefully avoid conflict generally, is because 1) the other person's mouth always works better than mine, and 2) I have no idea how to handle conflict reasonably - I will either give in, or get pissed off and be rude, probably childishly. Because I am afraid of this, I swing too far the other way, and practice avoidance.

I very much appreciate this topic, and the honesty of the posters; I think openness helps other people, as yours has helped me. It really sucks to think you're just a bad person. I think I'll go take my vit D supplements now...

Wow. This hits close to home. This is a really hard topic. Often I don't even have the heart to share this stuff even with therapists for fear that they won't understand, or worse they might try to shame me or tell me how I'm a horrible person. Whenever that happens it only makes the anger WORSE. It's that bad. HUGE issue for me. Even worse is the fact that I'm male, over 6 feet, tall and well over 200 lbs.

The absolute worst incident that's ever happened to me was getting into a fight with a random road-rager at a gas station off the interstate. My father was following me and I had just passed a semi (we were driving together but in two separate cars). My father was trying to keep up with me and when he passed the semi he accidentally pulled in front of this guy, who was probably speeding at 85 mph or more, forcing him to slow to 65 or so. The guy drove right up to my dads bumper. I saw none of this since I was well ahead at the time. Anyways, 5 minutes later we both stopped at a gas station mini-mart to use the restroom and buy water and on the way out this random guy walks up to my dad and starts yelling profanities, seemingly out of the blue.

My dad just brushed him off and walked away but as I walked past I looked at the guy. He scowled and remarked "what are you looking at". At that instant the image of childhood bullies flashed into my mind and I lunged at the guy, grabbed him by the throat and tried to force him to the ground. I don't remember clearly but he was a bit heavier than me and managed to throw his weight at me, pinning my arm against the door for a few seconds. I don't recall any pain at all but he clearly hit me quite hard in the nose once or twice before I managed to break free.

The next thing I remember is him running from me and my father and the gas station clerk grabbing at me and holding me back. At that point I noticed the blood running down my chin and I felt a second flash of rage even stronger than the first. At that point I was so blind with rage that I was ready to start swinging at my father and the clerk for holding me back and letting the guy get away but it did dawn on me that it was a no win situation for me. If I injured anyone they would be more likely press charges against me and the other guy would get off scot free for bloodying my nose since he could claim self defense. I managed to hold myself back from attacking any more people and instead dashed to my own car and slammed my fist down on the hood as hard as I could multiple times until there was a large dent and my hand was severely bruised. At one point I was thinking about getting in my car and committing suicide by driving into something as fast as I could.

Anyways, neither my nose nor my wrist were broken, the guy drove off and nothing was reported to the police. All that happened was I had to spend the night at the Holiday Inn since I was in no shape to drive anymore that day. It took several days for the recurring feelings of rage and violent fantasies to go away but I eventually got better.

These days I have a prescription of fast absorbing tranquilizer medication that I can use in case I ever get that angry again. Other than that I'm really not sure how to cope. I'm not sure if anger management will work for me as in the moments where I rage I honestly don't want to control myself. I don't have the will. It's hard to describe but it's like anger and hatred is my only way out of feeling like my "self" will be completely annihilated. In the moment even the idea of "self control" seems like something thats being imposed on my by others for others sake and it only increases my level of desperation. The only emotion stronger than anger is fear and fear is really the only thing that stops me from something truly horrible when I'm feeling that bad.

Anyways, this feels rather incomplete but I don't have the energy to write any more at the moment.

I've known people who loved the rush of adrenalin.
And I've known some who even longed for it, searched fight on purpose for instance.

They also used some other drugs to get other rushes.

In some circumstances, I could understand but it's true that it can be quite frightening and devastating - for everybody.

this might be helpful: