Deciding to cut family off/out of my life.

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My family has decided to cut me off from any financial support so I've decided I'm cutting them off. I genuinely do care about them but since they decided to give up on me, I'm not going to contact them until they come to their senses.

Family is highly over rated. I cut mine out years ago and am so much better for it.

I come from a family of sanguinary sharks, so the typical "the emperor is nude" attitude of an aspie threatens to expose their dirty secrets and abominable inhumanity, sins and crimes all the time, that's why no one on any side of the family, direct or extended, want anything to do with me. They're also super dirty to each other and the only ones who are still in contact with each other are the dirtiest of all, because those know how to protect themselves from each other. They have very loving relations between them because they respect and admire each other's ability to torture humans as a way to the top. And when I say "torture", I don't mean it figuratively. The most venerated in the family is my uncle, whose name is all over the newspapers for his crimes against humanity. But he made money from it, and for my family, all sides and all members except me, that's the only value that a human can have and the only way to make someone a worthy individual.

That said, I think deciding to "cut contact" with family is a childish stance, a childish way of asking for attention, same as writing letters explaining how "hurt" you feel - these actions can only get you more disrespect from your relatives.

No need to cut contact - if you just start respecting yourself and naturally expecting respect from them, the relationship will very soon die anyway, and in a much more dignified way than the childish "I'm not your friend anymore". And what's most important, it leaves the ball in THEIR court to come back to you if ever they change their minds and start valuing you. Eg: "Party, you say? Yes, great! But not on that Saturday, because we're going on a long weekend outside the city. Postpone it to the following Saturday and we'll all be there!" Most likely they won't give a damn if you attend or not and won't change the date for you - so your not attending, rather than a pouty child's act, is a natural self-respecting action.

The only justified instance where cutting contact is self-respecting and dignified is when you fear for your physical safety, then you get a restraining order and make sure these relatives have no way of physically coming anywhere near you. (This is, by the way, what I did with my siblings, because I was under serious physical violence threats from them.)

I hope this thread continues, it's very interesting and enlightening to me. I suspected there must be other aspies suffering from the rejection of their relatives, but I had never heard of any. This thread puts me at peace more than anything has in years.

In my case, the AS thing was one thing, the family thing was another. If I had succeeded in getting away from them and cutting the cord early on, the thing would have been manageable. As it was, there were complications, and I am certain that the family troubles were at the root of most of the complications.
I can't tell you the trouble they caused themselves and me. However, to this very day, I love each and every one of them.

There are certain circumstances in which you have to cut off relatives or face severe psychological and physical consequences. In my case, I was having both (the psychological led to the physical symptoms). I was dealing with a narcissist. There is no way on this green earth to have a reasonable conversation or normal familial relationship with them. They are ill, and most refuse to get help. In my case, it came to the point where I didn't want to suffer the ill effects anymore. My well being finally became priority to me (it never was the priority to the narcissist). I have no regrets for the decision I made. I refuse to be treated like trash anymore.

Ms Marginalized, it sounds like your mom is a classic narcissistic personality disordered person. And your lawyer sister is the family "golden child". Your position in the family is that of scapegoat. How do I suspect this? Because you described my family.
I have researched and read quite a bit about Narcissism as a disorder. My mom is a classic NPD. My "golden" sister is also narcissisticly disordered. There is an amazingly helpful, accurate, informative website and forum for people who have relatives/ significant others in their lives who have personality disorders. I highly recommend it:
"Out of The Fog" is the name of the site. Great place to learn why and how your mom and sister got like that, how to handle them, etc.

I cut my mom and sister out of my life in 2005 because of the horrid treatment I received at their hands:
abusive X 100. You have a lot more peace in your life when you go "no contact" with the people who enjoy causing you misery.

Yes, we have, but for completely different reasons. We have been happier and better off without that side intruding in our life. They still try to contact us and guilt us, but we've gotten over it for the most part.

Moondust; it sounds like you think I care what my families response is to my actions.

I need to clarify my position: I wanted them out of my life when I started this thread. Nothing childish about it, I carefully thought out my actions and committed myself to a path in life without their presence.

It has been over a year now & I am so much more happy! None of their drama or of having them accuse me of causing drama.

I've actually reconciled with one sister & I do occassionaly talk to/see my Mom. Her health has been failing & one of the decisions I made a year ago was that even though she "wasn't the best Mom in the world" I could still be a "good" daughter.

I fully intend to continue our family traditions for Christmas (the ones we started last year).

As for how I feel about my siblings? Yes, I love them. I just don't like them. Being a Christian gives me the freedom to understand that. I think about every one of my siblings every day & I pray for their Salvation. That is the nicest/best thing I can do for them and I am happy to do it.

This is a great conversation. I have not spoken with my parents in two years.

My father just lost his job six months ago and they did not bother contacting me about it until 6 months down the road. However, I knew about it since my aunt told me and my sister was the one who told me to call them. My mom is also mentally ill and too paranoid to work.

My sister has a problem with being controlling, acting superior, and arrogant in thinking she can boss me around because I have "Asperger's Syndrome." She thinks that I am victimizing myself and maybe I am but I feel that is not her say. However, she does it all the time.

However, not once did they even bother to try and reach me on their own until now. My dad sent me a card for my birthday last week with money in it but the card was instructing me to call home as well. Knowing that they did not have any money, and feeling pressured. I kept the card and sent the money back. I also explained to Dad in a nice letter by thanking him but said that I felt like it was not a good idea to call home at this time and they needed that money right now.

As for my bossy sister, I blocked her on deviant art and she got mad and wrote me a letter that I was wrong to do that but she was blocking me back. However, she seemed to use Deviant art as a tool to try and control me. She also seemed to contact me when she wanted something. My sister feels that I am always the one who is victimizing myself and judging my parents based on their choices. Maybe I am but I feel she is doing the same thing by making me feel bad because I am not doing things her way.

I also have other family members who are sort of like me but that does not mean they like me. However, they got fed up with my family because I believe it was because we were so negative to be around in addition to seeming to mooch from them. Although they can be uppity as well. Yet, I see where they are coming from now that I am at a mature level.

I am also glad that I am not alone on this situation in terms of Aspie's ignoring their parents and such, while feeling like misfits.

That is exactly why we don't bother with them is because they continue to blame the victim when we put our food down with them for disrespecting or disregarding us as family and attempting to treat us like doormats or half of a human.

Summer T,
What is it with people? I've thought about this quiet a bit lately. Taken 1 at a time, in their own "natural environment", each & every one of my siblings aren't that bad of a person.
It's once you mix them together in 1 place at 1 time that the drama bubbles up!
Or if you put them in the same room as me...they start to judge me and hold grudges against me for things that happened 10, 15 or even 20 years ago (OR I had heartburn about how they've treated me from forever ago on right upto when I cut them out of my life).

Things that make me say "Hmmmmmm".

eta: to all the family drama, SOCIAL NETWORKING is like throwing gas on a fire! I just joined facebook about 18 months ago (long story short; my kids wanted to join & I only allowed it once they were old enough, with the stipulation that I was to monitor their pages)...in any case, my 1 nephew blocked my friend request. His little tag-along cousin (my OTHER nephew) followed suit & never accepted my friend request.
I kept getting photos of very expensive food from one brother, lectures on "good parenting" from my "Polly-anna turned neice" (the one who had a crack-baby 10 yrs back & let the poor little thing drown 5 yrs ago when she shirked all her parental responsibility) and plain nastyness from my sisters grandchildren (BOTH of whom who aren't even OLD enough to be on facebook)
I got fed-up & just blocked the whole lot of 'em....it was BLISSFUL PEACE, not hearing/seeing all that drama-garbage!

The sister who got mad at me today seemed to be bossing me around on Devianart. She did this three times and I finally got tired of it.

When she found out that I blocked her, my sister had a fit. She again said that she felt like I was victimizing myself and being judgmental of others. Yet, she does it all the time and she couldn't care less if gets others mad at her. Sissy also also basically said that she felt like I was being a jerk when she was trying to reach out. "It's not fair that you blocked me and I don't get to say anything. Do you want us to stop reaching out to you?"

Actually, I reached out first, XD.

She blocked me on both accounts in terms Deviant Art.

So I wrote back to her on my second FB page since I blocked her on the first one. I basically laid it into her why I blocked her and that was because I was feeling pressured to do something that I was not comfortable with while she did not seem to respect my choices or feelings. This included not taking "No" for an answer as I had tried making it clear with her about why it was not a good idea before. I then said that I felt like she was constantly trying to control me because she seemed to enjoy acting superior to other people who she thinks are beneath her so she can bully them around. Especially in my case because I have a "Label" and that she seemed to treat me as if I were a helpless child. I then explained that I did not mean to for her to think that I was victimizing myself or that I am really bitter at my parents but that I was not ready. Finally, I said that she never seems to take responsibility for her own actions and would act like a 5 year old child who did not get a piece of candy when others put their foot down with her and attempted to set up boundaries. Instead, she blames them for her problems and has a problem with lying all the time and making excuses to get out of things. So I blocked her on the other FB page in addition to her boyfriend who by the way is bad news and has pulled her down. She has learned many bad habits since they started going out 5 years ago.

While I may have said and did some things that were mean, I am not going to beat myself up over this and maybe I am wrong for doing such but at the same time, I am not a door mat for people to just walk on because I have a "Label." I am also not here to please one person and get hurt again. My family is going to have to learn to respect that I am not someone to be stepping all over like that. I am also not some little child who everyone can just keep patronizing and that is what I am tired of. Just because I have AS does not give people the idea to think I "Can't."

Especially my sister who is extremely arrogant it is not funny next to some first cousins and an aunt on my father's side. They seem to treat other people beneath them like a half of a person.

ST, sounds like your sister & mine MUST know each other! (or at least took some of the same classes at the same twisted school!! !)

Why do people think that it's "ok" to treat an Aspie (or any other Autistic person) with less than the dignity they treat anyone else with? Because we "don't see things they way they do", that somehow makes us less of a person? That makes us "impervious" to the realization that we are being treated (AGAIN) as some kind of a second-class citizen???

Sure, (speaking ONLY for myself here) there have been MANY times that I've mis-read a social situation (IF I manage to "read" it at all!) and I've been in the CENTER of awkward social gaffes....but hey, that's the nature of my Aspergers! Now that I know I have it, I can look at things differently & realize that "maybe I'm going waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over there again" and try to self-check my behavior.

I ***know*** the first step to being taken seriously as a person is believing in MYSELF. Now that I'm the position to know why all that has happened to me...I can take myself seriously. It seems like all my "old" relationships (those started in childhood/prior to my AS diagnosis) have a make-it or break-it point. IF the other person is WILLING to accept my diagnosis, then we have a much better foothold on continuing a relationship. Unfortunatly, in my siblings cases, only one of 'em is willing to go there with me. That's fine. I've left the rest of them by the way-side.

I have one sibling who I get along with and that is the youngest. My parents are abusive to her as well and especially my dad I think. It is not physical but emotional, verbal and mental. Our other sister is mean to her too. She seems to think my youngest sister was an accident next to my dad.

As for the sister who is controlling, there are two things.
1. She and Dad were close and he dad taught her to socialize a certain way and have a certain mind set about me. (IE- When I was a teenager, there were certain things in the house that she got to use such as old cameras. When it came to me, she nagged at me," That's not a toy." I would hit her for talking to me like that. Then it was, "She's being abusive again."

2. I believe that my sister is a borderline sociopath or psychopath. (I.E. She several behavioral patterns back from 20 years ago. They were sadistic and remorseless. She also tends to lie coolly about her situation. Then when she gets in trouble, my sister tends to twist things around to the other person being mean to her.

Wow, sounds slightly familiar.

My Dad (he died in 2008) also "played favorites" & bestowed not only "special treatment" towards those 3 (there were a total of 8 of us) but also was just kinder & more considerate to them/their needs. To this day, those 3 piggy diva's believe the whole family should treat them the way Daddy did (and they will half-jokingly act like they've earned it or something?) I don't find it funny in the least bit.

I suppose I should be greatful that I learned self-reliance & independance at an early age. But deep inside I know that those are things that SHOULD be learned on a foundation of acceptance & love (which both my parents ran out of looooooong before I showed up.) This is all a backwards look I'm taking now that I don't usually waste my time on (it's in the past & I can't change it; I do recognize the influence it had on my life/making me the way I am now...and I let it teach me how ***not*** to raise my own children)

Funny but one of the last "arguments" one of my brothers used to try & get me back to a family gathering was that "Daddy wanted us to continue on as a family after he died" Oh yeah? Well I wanted to be in a safe & functioning family as a child but I didn't get that, either. (Ironic that the man who so de-stabilized the family unit by playing his moronic games NOW wants me to continue in that paradigm? No thanks!)