Is this a good idea for a middle-aged Aspie?

Post Reply New Topic

And I like your avatar!

Yes, we get along well. And my parents never interfered with my life and decisions. Mum died 3 months ago.

I envy you the opportunity to live with your father, Greentea. I always got along with my father better, from a distance. He was always generous with money, but not with himself. I lost him last summer, and I miss him very much.

Hartz, I lived with my parents all in all for 30 years. I'd much rather continue having my own place as I did for 17 years, but I'm obviously not able to earn a living anymore. I had 2 job offers in the last month and both of them ended up rejecting me for my personality, when they'd been so very eager to hire me for my skills. My Autism must've worsened, or the accumulation of bad experiences with people, caused by my Autism, must've made me an ever weirder person than the Autism did.

But once a parent is gone, however much we may have ranted against them during their lives, there's a feeling of "I wish I'd spent more time with them." I don't know why it's so, but I heard many people say it for years, and when my mother died I surprisingly started feeling the same way. I grieve for all the places I didn't take her while she still could go out, all the money I didn't spend on restaurants while she was still able to eat. So I guess you're right, it's good to be able to spend his last years close to him.

I don't think my siblings are so smart as they seem. They did get away with not having to care or even be in touch with the parents as they grew old and sick. But I've had much satisfaction from it, and a clean conscience. I don't think they'll ever have the wonder of even knowing what a clean conscience is or the satisfaction of being there for the parents in their last time.

He'd be pretty lonely with your mother gone. It doesn't work for me and turned into a disaster prety quickly, but you may fare better. I wonder if you wil be turned into an unpaid servant. I think the reason I don't like the idea is that that is what they set me up for from birth...'you'll do to look after me when i'm old', and the child who is selected for that purpose is usually damaged by them in order to ensure they don't have enuf of a life to have other options. it often entails seeing antagonistic siblings more often as they start to get jealous and feel threatened.

so theres the negatives.

I was glad that I started telephoning my father on a regular basis, the last three years of his life. He had a stroke, and recovered, but didn't take his medications properly, so he had another, and deteriorated quickly after that. I wasn't close enough to take care of him, nor was my health good enough to look after someone else. But I am so glad we had those phone conversations!


Same here! After my father was hospitalized and starting getting worse, some of my siblings seemed to come out of the woodwork, pretending concern. It was sickening. They visited every day, took him on outings until he worsened, etc. But as you say, a clear conscience is what I have. I cherish the fact that I was able to say the things to him that I'd always wanted to, even if it was long distance. And, he named me his beneficiary, which was a pleasant surprise.

I went back to where my parents lived to do a 'ninth step' in my aa program. I had worked with my sponsor for about a year and a half to figure out what was my problem and what was their problem so I could take responsibility for my self and make amends where I could. I took a week with them and left feeling like I had made huge inroads.
Keeping all that wreckage of the past at bay was the challenge cause they died 10 years later with in three months of each other and I had contact with them in that last 10 years. When they passed, I dug out their apartment and got it all cleaned out for the landlord, and feel I have made a good effort towards any reconciliation that could be made.

Now that I understand my autism, I would have appreciated for them to know, too, but they never did. They never really understood what was going on with their only daughter. They only thought I was doing it all on purpose. That sorta sucks.

I'm glad you had that closure, even though they didn't understand the autism. I got blamed for a lot of my behavior, too, because I didn't get diagnosed until 5 years ago.

postperson, all that's true about my case too. The difference is that, if I live with him, I won't have to drive 10 miles to and fro to take care of him all the time as I do now. Besides, my father has no demands; whatever I do for him he's very grateful, because he has no one else in the world. Everyone deserted him. He's Autistic and rejected by all, just like me. Each other is all we have left.

oh ok, it was the nonautistic parent i was expected to look after and i got nothing but abuse and contempt, same as it ever was. i think that was part of my objection to the situation. In dad's case he did get dumped on me and i did do the caretaking thing, but his was a short illness before dying, it was only a week or so before he passed away, interestingly it happened when he and my mother were on a long bus trip vacation, so she just stuck him on a plane and continued her vacation, and i was called to look after him as my NT siblings were 'too busy' - it took quite some time to convince mum (and my siblings, since i'm the family 'idiot') via phone that his was a serious matter and she needed to cut short her continuing vacation. she sure wasn't happy about that.

good luck with it then. i hope it works out for you.

We get dumped on because we care. They hold our caring hostage. Finding someone who genuinely cares is extremely rare. I also helped raise my nephews and niece, then was never allowed to see them again. I have the family from hell.

yeah that's why they do it. i think these days i'm attempting only to show pity to those who i know are capable of it themselves, so it's a bit of a new era for me. not sure how it will go at this stage.

From my personal experience, I have a lot less contact with people this way. But that's because they never liked me; only now they have no use for me.

I have the honor of advocating compassion to those members that have been banned for disturbing the peace of our online community. I have been wrong several times and had to re- ban some returning members again, but I would rather be compassionate and be wrong than right all along and not have given them the second chance.

Merle

That is the situation that stands, with my relatives. They have no use for me. My mother, and two siblings live very close by, but they don't give a hell about me. There is no way that they can use me anymore, so the above quote fits perfectly. I was always the outcast and black sheep, in my family.

This whole thread has been fascinating and enlightening. Good luck to you, Greentea, whether you live on your own or with your father. I'm new to WP so haven't seen much of your writing, but have enjoyed what I've seen so far.

I'm able to live on my own, but am currently planning a move to a less expensive part of the U.S. than where I currently live so I can continue to afford to live on my own. I can't handle the complexity of home ownership, so I'll rent, and hope that my little niche that provides income continues to do so.

My family is small, and my friends are few. Only two family members seem to grasp my diagnosis, though neither would have me live with them. One, my father, is too old and in poor health. The other is a cousin with a family of her own. Because of distances and disinterest, I see neither. I don't like to travel, and neither do they, so it's all long-distance.

To follow up on the animal metaphors about family, I'm the cockatoo in a family of sheep.

Thank you, Aoi. Things have changed some since this thread, but the idea is still there.