The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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I'm 46, she's 41. She is in counseling already for issues related to adoption and other issues.

The reason I asked is because sometimes hormone related issues at this age can contribute to depression and mood problems. I don't know if it's relevant to your situation but it might be something to think about.

I know it can be. I've tried to get her to see that for a couple years now, but she flat out refuses to take any kind of hormone replacement even though two different doctors have told her that she needs to. I work in the medical field and I can tell that 99% of her issues are hormone related, but it is so frustrating to me that she won't do anything about it.

Hormones are not something to be taken lightly! I also have hormone related issues, and when I tried a topical cream, I felt as if I were turning psychotic. I gave it three weeks, then stopped using it. Withing three days I felt better. I am really disappointed, because I hoped that they would help me with the distressing symptoms I have been having. Instead, the hormones made it worse. I have also tried acupuncture and Chinese herbs, with some small measure of relief.

Could the problems be a side effect of that counseling? Adoption issues could involve both rejection and clinging, so could she be acting out something she's addressing in counseling? You might want to give that some consideration.

I am aware of that, what they were prescribing was a very low dosage, just to regulate her cycle and help with PMDD. We're trying acupuncture now, but I'm not very hopeful.

It is entirely possible. We have a book that she has read, that I'm reading now about adoption issues and how traumatic it is for the newborn child. We (that is our society) are only now beginning to recognize that newborn children are NOT just defecation machines that input milk on one end and political speeches at the other. They are thinking, feeling beings and the trauma that comes from adoption is significant.

if your wife is at home with 4 children maybe she needs an interest and outlet outside the home e.g. join a book club or an exercise class etc.. You could maybe e.g. have the kids on Saturday morning and let her have 'her time' then.

another thought is whether she is ingesting something going into her brain that she's very sensitive to e.g. caffeine, alcohol

Hi everyone. I just found out that I have Asperger's a few days ago. I'd suspected for about a year, but avoided learning more about it. (When I research something, I learn a LOT about it, and doctors generally think I'm a hypochondriac if I know too much about things. I generally do better if I see a professional first and then research afterwards to see if their opinion makes sense.)

Anyway, the books I'm reading about Asperger's explain so much about me and how I relate to people. But, at the same time, there is this huge gulf opening up in my marriage. I've been married for 8 years. My husband and I adore each other, but there's always been some weirdness. Like, for years he would *insist* that I was angry with him or disappointed, when I felt fine. When I felt minorly annoyed, he would think I was furious. I really thought he was completely crazy. Now I realize that my body language probably has very little to do with how I'm actually feeling.

As the daily stress of life has increased, our difficulty in communicating has increased too. We talk all the time - we could both be described as "clingy," I guess- but the more stressed out we get, the more it feels like we're speaking different languages. My husband says that he has an increasingly hard time believing that I'm not lying about how I feel or playing mind games. I honestly have no idea what he's talking about. My mother-in-law is convinced that I'm a scheming, jealous, two-faced person... it's like the people in my life see me as someone else, and I just feel lost. I'm not playing any games, I'm not scheming, and I just cannot understand.

My husband says that I'm erratic, but I don't see it. To me, he seems increasingly erratic and insensitive. But I know that he loves me and is completely committed to making things work. The more stressed out I get, the more I want to retreat... it becomes difficult to spend time with my husband and kids, I become depressed and lethargic, and then I feel overwhelmingly guilty because I feel like I'm not doing enough. But I can't handle the intensity. I just want to be left alone, so I can calm down and feel a little better about myself.

We're going to try counseling, but I'm not very hopeful... I've tried individual counseling for years, and it just seems like there's always a big disconnect. I don't think we would ever get divorced, but I desperately want to feel close to my husband and fix these misunderstandings that are causing us to hurt each other. Have any of you ever experienced anything like this?

Hi GiantRabbit.

I'm not straight, but I have been married for 16 years now, we did pass through some rough patches and finding out about AS has definitely improved our relationship.

Reading about ASD I came across a few books that may help you to understand how AS affects your relationship:
- "Aspergers in Love, Couple Relationships and Family Affairs", Maxine Aston (The author does couple counselling to help AS people and their partners. The examples are mostly of AS men with NT women, but she does talk about AS women and their partners too);
- "Living and Loving with Asperger Syndrome, Family Viewpoints", Patrick, Estelle and Jared McCabe (family written biography, AS husband, NT wife and son);
- "Alone Together, Making an Asperger Marriage Work", Katrin Bentley (NT wife book about her marriage).

The biographies make me laugh when I identify with situations described on them, but the first one is very matter of fact as the author discusses many usual misunderstandings between NTs and Aspies in a couple. Maxine Aston also mentions in her book that if an Aspie goes for couple counselling, it is important that the chosen professional knows and understands AS.

Hope you and your husband manage to work out your differences.

I am Aspie, and my husband is mildly Aspie. And, believe it or not, we go through this! Sometimes he will look at my face and ask me what's wrong, and I will frankly tell him I don't know what he's talking about. It is frustrating to be frequently misunderstood.


I have gotten this from co-workers, bosses, friends, etc. Even my husband, when we end up in a quarrel only to find that we have once again misunderstood each other. We have tried counseling but it is hard to find someone who is familiar with AS. One useful thing I did learn in the brief counseling that we had, was to use reflective listening. For example, your husband says to you, "You look angry. Why don't you tell me what's wrong?" You would answer, "I look angry, and you want to know what's wrong?" Sometimes, this makes the other person rethink what they have said, or find themselves better able to clarify. It may or may not help, but I am sharing this because it helped us. Once, my husband told me that I never appreciate anything he does for me, which is ridiculous because I do! I started to get indignant, but then simply repeated, I never appreciate anything you do? He apologized, and said that he was just feeling frustrated and realized that I do appreciate him. So that statement turned out to be highly inaccurate, but if I hadn't practiced reflective listening, it would have escalated into an argument.
I hope you can find a good counselor!

Giant Rabbit- hartzofspace has given you a very powerful tool...

Another type of reflective communication device is to ask your partner to repeat what you just said, as they understand it. By the way, setting up these techniques should always be done before they are needed...not in an emotionally charged state, but in a time when you are talking about how you communicate in general...not about content , only technique. Then, when you do need to talk about something, you 'use' the tool.

For example, you want to tell him that it really upsets you when he leaves his stuff all over the living room floor.

So you might say some thing like;
"Seeing all your stuff on the floor upsets me" or "Please pick up after yourself" or some such statement or request.

Then you might ask him to tell you what he heard you say or what he thinks you want...The answer can be quite revealing, as it may not be what you thought you said, or about the topic at all...it can be used with the reflective listening tool.

I empathise with this a lot. I don't have any answers, sorry.
One thought is to reduce your interaction with others, so your meagre resources can be mostly used on the family.
Another is to look at your drug intake, especially caffeine, alcohol, sugar, and stop them all as a trial.

I have been married twice and both times I married someone who chose me rather than taking my time and using good judgment. That was a self esteem issue. Both marriages lasted about 12 years and there were good times and bad times but I have never felt truly connected to anyone. I need my space and have to retreat from the intensity of it all as well. Now it just seems like too much effort. I got burned pretty bad in the last relationship too. The longer I remain single the more difficult it seems to be responsive to someone who shows an interest in getting to know me in a romantic way. I would love to be in a healthy relationship, I hate the thought of being alone for the rest of my life.

I feel some of the same ways as Gaby76 -- I'm now divorced and alone but I would love to be in/achieve a healthy relationship and not be alone for the rest of my life.

I too got seriously burned in a recent and serious relationship that actually caused me a life upheaval so extreme that I'm still trying to put my life back together. The man was abusive and the worst/last person in the world I should have been with, I realize in hindsight, and even more so in the light of my very recent "penny dropping" discovery that I may be on the spectrum and that it explains too many struggles to list...

I've been married and divorced, and before and since the marriage I've been in and out of various relationships of varying degrees of seriousness/commitment, ranging from a fling to fairly intense/serious.

My marriage, though starting out great in all the usual "great" definitions, very quickly became a nightmare for us both, largely due to my issues (which at the time I just thought was me being a crazy person -- I had no diagnosis of anything back then, let alone AS).

It's only now that I look back and see more clearly what was going on with me, in not just marriage but in all departments of life.

I've been married a little over 5 years now, and have a 5 year old daughter with my wife. I didn't know I had AS when we got married, but found out soon after when we both went to counseling, mostly for anxiety. She found out she has Borderline Personality Disorder, and I found out I have Aspergers.

The relationship can have its stresses, but overall we try to support each other and understand the conditions. We've both learned a lot about borderline and aspergers, and can understand ourselves and each other pretty well now. I think the only thing that's challenging is when our conditions can trigger each other's conditions, despite us not meaning to and often actively trying not to. My AS sort of makes me seem "not here" or "out of it" which can trigger her borderline craving for connection and attention, for instance. While her borderline can cause some exaggerated emotional responses in her that can come across very confusingly to me and sort of shut me down with over-stimulation or not knowing what to say or do.

Overall we try to support each other and can help each out. We're sort of in that "opposites attract" category in a lot of ways (our personalities can come across that way at least), which can help because it gives us different strengths that can sometimes lend to helping each others weaknesses.