The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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My wife and I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary last year. I am a self-diagnosed Aspie and my wife has ADD. I always knew something was up with me...but nothing was ever officially identified (I'm 47 and a product of Catholic schools...so there was never any diagnosis of anything related to autisum growing up in the 70s).

I'm glad this forum exists. I find it very helpful.

My wife has had a difficult time with me. We were separated for eight months (she moved back into the house just about a year ago). My nephew is a diagnosed Aspie and when my wife was researching it online, she realized that I too am an Aspie. We have two children, 15 & 17 who don't show any Aspie traits.

How does everyone who is married deal with a social spouse? My wife has her friends and she typically gets together with them at least once a week. I do accompany her to social events, but I need my time to recharge. I wish I were more social, but it really wears me out. I'm just happy to stay home. But sometimes I crave social situations.

Do you tell others you're an Aspie? I haven't told anyone and am frankly worried about being negatively labeled.

It's hard to be close without telling, but generally doesn't go well to do that. I did tell one person and that was ok, but she's my age and very much loves her child who has AS. Maybe someone who loves deeply a family member who isn't Neurotypical might be more accepting. A lot of people recommend against disclosing, I generally agree. Unless the person already sees it, or if you need protection legally from disclosing a diagnosis, or to professionals caring for you if you feel they need to know, not much to gain.

You sound a lot like me. I really like social situations. In fact, some of the happiest times of my life have been with people at little parties--but I get exhausted and need to recharge. It may take two days to fully recover. and if the group is a little too big or the people are a little less sympathetic, it's just an ordeal.
I don't mind my wife's socializing with her friends and I am glad that we get invitations to do things as a couple--because otherwise I would have no social life at all. There are times when I know it's going to be awful, but I do it anyway because it will make her happy. That kind of small sacrifice is an essential part of being in a relationship, I think.

No-there really hasn't been a need.

I did tell a couple of people because I thought they would talk with me about it, but I think it freaked them out and we really didn't talk about it beyond their saying something like, "but you're OK, though, right?" Not a positive outcome.

In future if I need to tell people about a specific problem, I will tell them about that and that only. Tony Attwood suggests the formula "I'm the sort of person who (describe the specific problem)" and leave it at that. The ones who know about autism already know, I think.

Well we've been married for coming up to 35 years and we started dating in 1977 so whilst my lovely wife , who is one of life's living angels , is very well accustomed to all my funny ways and numerous obsessions we still have our FLASH points ..... in my wife's case she's perfectly fine most of the time but then gradually the pressures of family life (kids growing up and leaving home then moving abroad & jobs ) all take the toll and that's when she suddenly erupts and raises all hell at me .

It's a scary at the time and very upsetting , we had such a "moment" last night and I'm still in shock .
She normally gets very intense and explains how my obsessive behaviour drives her mad -she tolerates my current hobby / obsession of keeping snakes - which appears to have been the trigger for last night's upset - I've agreed to buy two more vivariums ( bargain priced at £30 for both when they are worth £70 EACH !) .

I tried apologising repeatedly last night without success even though I'm not really certain what I've done wrong or differently .... We will be fine again today hopefully but it takes me a lot longer to get over these " scenes" .

She has been civil this morning ( rather than loving or loveable ) and gone out for luch with a friend whilst I've woke up with a bad headache presumably through the stress .

I don't really understand the problem but then again - I'm ME

Update

She's just rang and sounds in a real nice mood , everything is fine and dandy , until next time

Well it's a damn good thing everything worked out well for me today as there was nobody " here " for me to offer kind words of support or understanding .

What the hell has happened to this place ?

More to the point , what's the point in posting our worries / thoughts / concerns .... if nobody bothers to help !?

I'm using an iphone and can't really tell which post I'm replying to, it only says Reply at the bottom of the page.

I'm NT married to aspie for 8 yrs. I'm reading today for strategies to deal with non-social aspie spouse. The best I can gather is that I need to leave him at home most times. He sits and says absolutely nothing to anyone. He'll speak if spoken to, but there's no way he'll initiate a conversation. So people think my husband is rude and condescending.

He is not rude. He is a sweet, uber-intelligent good man who I need to leave at home where he is so happy. He loves to clean and improve the experience of our home (floors, bathrooms, washes sheets and keeps our bed made, gorgeous landscaping, amazing saltwater acquarium, etc). I'm typing this and appreciating the loving man he is.

I knew he was aspie when I married him and I need to stop asking him to participate ("smile!") when it's clear to me now that he's too overwhelmed in most social scenarios.

He really enjoys having close friends over for dinner and wine (amazing cook, he'll obtsin ingredients and cook any recipe I hand him). I need to accept that our "couples" social events need to follow a format that considers his need to seek solitary moments (our kitchen, bedroom, yard).

I appreciate every person that contributes to this site.

Texas X3,

I hope if you live in the part of Texas that is flooded, that you are ok.

When you talk to your husband about the social activities, what does he feel about it? Yes I am sure he will make an extra effort to join you because he loves you and that makes you happy, but how does he want to do it? Spend less time at the event? Find a way for him to leave early? You mentioned him being able to hide out at home, but many times bringing people into the place that is our refuge is even harder.

This goes out to those of you in Aspie/NT marriages. My husband is an Aspie, and were having major communication problems arising out of super sensitivity to perceived criticism and emotional feedback.

Example: I ask him if he wants toast, forgetting that he "hates toast" ( I'm totally ADD and sleep deprived:). He's stewing angry and snappy all day and explodes at the end of the day with a very long version of "don't you know me by now?", this is useless ( the marriage, etc.). Note: I instantly apologized for the toast comment and put it up to my tired brain fog. He could't let go of it, it became a mountain so to speak.

I'd appreciate any insight from all members of this great community could give. This is a specific example but an ongoing problem, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells afraid that any action could potentially ruin the day.

Ilovebaloons I don't know if this will help you and it's just what I would do in that kind of situation but I find if I try to be sympathetic and not react too much with defensiveness, no matter how I feel, sometimes people calm. It's hard to do this, but arguing the validity of the complaint doesn't really help, and with luck the other person realizes to be more reasonable when you don't fight. And, if not, you have to decide what you want to do about this, whether yelling and being miserable all the time is tolerable for you to be around.

Ilovebaloons I just read your post and had to reply. My husband is NT, well, actually, I think he's something but NOT AS...and does this just like you. We have been together close to 16 years and I am fed up of being with someone who doesn't seem to know anything about me. He sees it as no big deal, yet I know if I got him anything that he didn't like, he would also feel like I didn't care. So I am sorry he is responding to you this way, I know it's not the right way and you have opened my eyes to the other side, but at the same time, I am wondering if you can explain to my how it is that you don't remember things he likes. I get so angry with my husband over stuff like this. i.e. we went to a restaurant that his cousin owns...we go there at least once a month...have been for almost 2 years...everytime I order the same drink...every single time...most times I even buy a bottle there to bring home, he buys it...yet a few months ago we went and he claimed he had NO IDEA what I ordered there, came up with every drink except what I always do and it made me feel like "he didn't care enough to know me or know what I liked, especially since we had been there so many times." Does that make sense? And yes, it is not right to explode like your husband, I can see that, and I hate to say I do it too...but at the same time I wonder if he even understands how it feels to me.

Anyway, I am sorry he is exploding. I don't have many answers for you, but hope that reading about why I do it makes you understand it more and although not put up with it, try to find a middle ground.

hugs!

PS hmmm for a while there I was thinking my husband was ADD or ADHD, lately I thought he was just a sociopath...now I am wondering if he is ADD or ADHD and that's why he does it?

It is very interesting to read some here who do not see a benefit in disclosing to others that they are AS. It's interesting because I wonder if indeed there is no benefit and it actually makes things worse, what are all these parents doing to their children by disclosing their diagnosis to anyone who will listen?

Anyway, back to marriage stuff. I too am self-diagnosed, although honestly, my husband is the first one who saw it when our son was diagnosed. As the psychologist read to us all the symptoms and what they meant, my husband told him "so is my wife". In some ways I feel it has helped me, but the fact that my husband thinks I need to be fixed and that I am the broken one, has made our relationship worse than ever. I am tired of hearing that from him or him having such an attitude. Mind you, most of the issues we have are directly related to his scattered brain and irresponsibility, which of course, to me, there's a problem with an adult who is that way. For a while I thought he was ADD or ADHD, but of course, he claimed there is nothing wrong with him. He won't even acknowledge that forgetting to pay bills, not having a budget, ruining our credit because of his laziness or forgetting to do things he promised, are wrong and either he is doing it on purpose (might be a psychopath as he meets many of those symptoms) or he's not doing these things on purpose and possibly ADD or ADHD. Either way, the fact that he sees me as damaged, without a doubt has made our relationship even worse. He resents me for us not having a more social life, as he would party every single day if he could regardless of the fact that we have a child and other responsibilities.

Reading here about how others are able to find someone NT or AS or even ADD/ADHD who get them makes me happy and sad...I don't have that now at all with my husband and have not had that for many years. I think our relationship is close to over at this point if not completely over. I do NOT blame my AS 100% as again, many of the things I expect to me are things that any responsible adult should do. I do take the blame for some issues though and always have.

PS we really NEED a separate marriage/relationship topic or thread

I wrote a couple of days ago in the forum as reply to this post. This made something click about my marriage as well. I have to say first of all THANK YOU for your post, as you have no idea how much it has helped me.

I HIGHLY suggest anyone who is dealing with an Aspie/ADD/ADHD relationship to check out this site http://www.adhdmarriage.com

I purchased this book The ADHD Effect on Marriage, just after reading your post because something clicked. Oh my! What a HUGE wake up call. I felt like the book was written about my husband and I. I read it aloud with my husband and he TOO agreed that it described our relationship to a T...ugh

Thanks to this post above, my husband now GETS that it is NOT just the autism in the house that is causing issues, but also his UNDIAGNOSED ADD/ADHD. He actually already called a psychologist and just talking to her on the phone she started pointing out all kinds of things he did that indeed are related to ADD/ADHD.

I really hope anyone dealing with a bad relationship where nothing seems to work, check this out to see if there is MUCH MORE than just the AS.

Thank you so much for opening up to us, because without a doubt this has truly helped my sanity.

Husband FINALLY diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. All the blame for over 16 years on me because of autism, when the fact is that although autism was causing some issues, the majority of our issues were directly related to his undiagnosed ADD/ADHD. Because they are seen as "living in the moment and happy", most do not see the chaos and blame the partner with autism. I finally have some peace.

PS son diagnosed with both AS and ADHD...now it's time to work on his ADHD to make sure he doesn't end up like his dad...ugh

Hey everyone Im Ryan. Im 35 and live near Toronto, Canada, Diagnosed HFA just recently (last 3 years)/

I've been married once and divorced (which ended in me being incarcerated because of my HFA). I am now in my third long-term relationship and common law with my spouse. I have quirks that include focus problems, boundary issues (for example.. the difference between a female friend and flirting for more) and can be both too loud or at different times "withdrawn." When my stress level is up, I find my symptoms get worse.

I love my wife -- but because of her health issues I find myself sometimes feeling unsatisfied -- and worse -- feel as though I HAVE NO RIGHT to feel unsatisfied. Our chemistry is off the charts when we do get physical.

I have always had issues making friends with males for whatever reason -- and feel much more confident with females. Obviously, this can create issues when in a long-term relationship.

I lvoe the fact that we have a safe place to get advice -- although I am still wanting to proove to my wife that I can have female friends and be faithful at the same time.

So IM hopefully going to get a few messages from new friends!!