The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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Compassion is an Action: You Can Do This! (a message to men on the autism spectrum)


Hmm... food for thought....

19 years here .. and we'll be lucky to make it to 20. We have two kids, one of whom is on the spectrum. Analyzing her traits led us to believe I might be on the spectrum as well. Three years ago I was diagnosed and it explained a lot of the traits I have that drive her nuts.

She tries to give me my space but she's very much an extrovert so she wants to go out a lot more than I do, so she winds up going out with friends. I'm also prone to meltdowns that I am working to control but can really upset her when they occur.

All this is wearing her down -- and me too. She wants out but her religious beliefs won't let her unless I cheat on her or get violent. I want out but I don't want to be a deadbeat dad. Plus our finances aren't very good. So we're basically two individuals in a marriage but living our own lives in our own way. Not ideal but I guess it beats putting the kids through a divorce.

I’m 35 and my fiancée is 37. We both have level 1 ASD formerly Asperger’s Syndrome. We’ve been engaged for 7 years next month which is the reason September is the start of my favorite 4 months of the year. We send each other things back and forth but we have a very very difficult time socially we’ll only talk once a month even though night before last I basically ran to her because I’m having a very difficult time emotionally with my meds and I begged her to call me (which she did) when I was in the hospital for a nervous breakdown. I don’t know what I would do without her. My brother disagrees with her as well as her sisters probably disagree with me, but we need to keep in mind they’re gonna be in-laws soon. I’m waiting till I’m good and ready to leave my life here and start a new one with her in another state but we’ll need to meet in person which we’re trying to arrange twice (her visit here and me visit there.)

Again, I’m no expert. (Going through a mediated divorce after 18 years—two separated.). But at the beginning of the separation, I was realizing how I’d totally missed her emotional needs, how she had “deselfed” her own needs: first, “Maybe I can change my behavior and he’ll change/improve,” and then when that didn’t work, “Maybe I don’t really need those things for myself….”

Both are terrible fallacies (in my opinion): you can’t “change” someone else, I suspect that you can only—at best—love them and encourage & maybe aid a little if, when, and how _they_ want to grow _themselves_. And, you can’t deny your own needs simply because the person—spouse, friend, parent, teacher, boss, etc—isn’t providing you what you need and/or want.

Isn’t it preferable, if not necessary, that you each get some—maybe even a fair amount—of incompatible needs from other friends, family meme era, or special hobbies/interests?

It is.
Giving each other space can be the best form of love - because the best form of love is giving each other what the other really needs.

This looks really interesting. Has anyone bought the e-book?