Have you or anyone you know been raped?...

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Shock. Fear. Violation. Weakness. Defeat.

Rape fantasies can actually be used as a healing experience for rape victims. Since rape fantasies are consensual the "victim" is the one in control. I know a rape victim who healed through her rape experience through rape fantasies. She was able to relive the original rape on her own terms which helped her to overcome it. I hope that makes sense. I wouldn't suggest rape fantasies to anyone who isn't well versed in BDSM. Just figured I'd turn an offensive subtopic into something a bit more positive you know?

Hi Haywire,
that's a really interesting suggestion, not one I would have thought of... but it does make sense. Rape fantasies are something horribly familiar to rape victims, and I suppose letting go of the guilt associated with the fantasy is a good thing. Thank you for this thought provoking suggestion.

Excuse me, but I don't think you understand that these people are engaging in FANTASIES and rape-PLAY. They in no way desire the real thing.
For one thing, we all fantasize about things we shouldn't. Whether you want to or not when your mind starts to wander it can go into places you usually wouldn't go. That's how we explore the concepts of taboo and indeed our own personal limitations.
For another, if I'm having rough play with someone, it's not rape. It's a game. It's meant to be seductive and it's meant to be fun. I have absolutely no wish to be raped in any way, shape or form. In actual fact, I really don't see how what you've just said is any different from people saying a person wearing something sexy or acting in a certain way is 'asking for it'.

Hi Xule,
I don't think that tomboy was suggesting that people were "asking for it" because they fantasised about rape, or any of the other things you mentioned.

I think that she was saying that people who have been raped may, after the event, sometimes fantasise a rape scenario in which they were the one in control, not the rapist. She is suggesting that this rewriting of emotional history helps the rape victim recover, while not in the least bit negating the seriousness of the original rape.

Okay, I'm going to say something here I've never said before, and please, nobody jump down my throat.

I was raped when I was nineteen. The event itself was horrible, and I choose not to remember it with much clarity.

However, I have fantasised about rape since, and felt practically suicidal with guilt. I won't go into detail, but this is something that I explored sexually with my first boyfriend (interestingly enough the first man I trusted after my rape.) He always told me not to beat myself up about my fantasies, but having been raised Catholic, what could I do but feel guilty?

In retrospect, I think that acting through the fantasies helped me transcend the rape experience and leave it behind. It is this process of healing that tomboy is referring to. She's not talking about rape fantasies predicating actual rape, but succeeding rape, as a coping and healing mechanism.

I do think that if that is understood it would be very helpful to many victims. If I'd once considered that as a possibility when I was working through things, I would have fewer scars on my arms. So... thank you Tomboy, I hope others understand what you said.

I wrote:

What I meant by this is that I have been sexually abused & raped by different men. It was a violation of my body, humiliating, embarassing, physically painful, shameful, etc. I have mostly kept my memories to myself, except where I think that perhaps my past may actually stop someone else from enduring the kind of unwanted human contact I've been forced to live with. I was usually blamed for the man's actions...as if the man had no blame or accountability for HIS behavior. It was strictly "Tomboy's fault, whenever it happened." Even a judge in family court said something to that affect because I was legally married to one of my abusers. I am not speaking for anyone else's opinion. I am stating how it made me feel...how it has affected me since I was a young child. How others may also be affected by be sexually assaulted or raped.

It started when I was still in diapers, though I have no memory. The only thing I remember about it was having a pretty good understanding of sex well beyond my tender years. I also had had a partial hysterectomy before I was 1 year of age. That fact was kept secret from me even though it was my body that had been violated until I was 47 years old. I was informed by an OB/GYN. I have never had any rape fantasies nor desire for rough play ever in my life. I was already wary of men well before I was out of elementary school. I was told by an ex-fiance that I deserved to have sex forced on me. He had made sexual advances & I refused. So in HIS mind, meant it was ok for him to rape me. Somehow he felt I deserved it simply because he was aroused. It was not only humiliating for me, it was very disrespectful. Needless to say, that was the downfall of that relationship. As for my now ex-husband, he loved rough sex (though I did not), & often ended up injuring me. He suffered no ill affects. He was also heavily addicted to porn...I'm sure that's where he got at least some of his perverse ideas. Said lots of nasty stuff about me, & also said that what he did was considered making love. I left him 11 years ago, & have not looked back. I've been left with some pretty harsh memories & I know what my reality was. I was still quite naive about relationships well into my 30s. I've since remarried, to a nice guy who is also very respectful of me, of what my needs are, & my quirks. Rape & sexual abuse may be part of who I am, but it is now in my past. Hopefully, that's where it'll stay for the remainder of my life.

Those who think that fantasizing about such encounters can put you in a place where you can be hurt or worse. Men who think it's cool to rape women saying they deserve it, or wanted it ought to be on the receiving end to know just how awful it is. That is what I was saying. Please don't try to get inside my mind without consulting me first.

I will say it again, be very careful if you fantasize about rape or sexual abuse, you may very well find yourself in a place where you have no control, where you end up being abused, badly psychologically damaged, or worse.

I'm sorry Tomboy that you went through such horrors, and am very glad that you've met a good man who treats you with love and respect. You deserve it.

And I realise that I got the name wrong in my above post, I was referring to Haywire's most recent post. At the moment I'm getting used to some new medication and it seems to have rendered me completely incapable of concentrating on the written word. I'm always surprising myself by how wrong I get things. I hope that you, Tomboy, were not too desperately offended by my mistakenly attributing opinions to you that I should have understood were someone else's. To cause offence is the last thing I would want.

I think I just had someone's rape fantasy partially come true... I just got wrestled onto a bed, handcuffed to the foot of it, had my legs tied together, and got tickled by girls until I gave up on life. XD
Sleepovers are fun.

My mom was raped and I didn't know about it till I was almost 22 and she never told anyone because she thought it was her fault and she did something to cause it. She was in college then. My aunt was also raped at 13 and she got pregnant and she was forced to have an abortion. It messed her up.(long story)

Then I know someone at work when I lived in Montana and she was raped at 14 and she never told anyone because the man told her if she told anyone, he kill her father and she believed him. Now she had developed a sense where she knows someone is standing behind her without her seeing them.

That's so awful. Gosh. How can people do this to other humans!

My mother in law was raped when she was a little girl and I heard it effected her sex life but yet she still had three kids.

Some people get asexual when raped because they can't go through it again due to the memories if they have it so they hate sex and don't want it.

Lot of people don't talk about it or tell anyone about when they were raped so when someone jumps on a forum and starts talking about their rape, people may think they are making it up for attention.

Lot of women think it's their fault when it happens so they don't tell anyone and are embarrassed about it. One time I thought I was going to get raped but it didn't happen. The guy said it was just a test and he wanted to see if I came for sex than to see him. I didn't think it was a very good test because I started screaming and what if I started hitting him and kicking him?

I've had a dream where I lost my baby again and my husband told me it's just because I'm scared. I start to cramp real bad and I go to the bathroom and bam I am bleeding real heavily and I see a body come into my hands and it's real tiny. But this was connected to my miscarriage I had last summer.

Back in the days they always said rape was the woman's fault because of what she had on so therefore she sent a message to the men she wanted sex. That's what happened to my aunt because she had on a tight dress and she was walking home from the park when four men stopped by and grabbed her off the sidewalk and took off and then they dumped her off where they found her after they raped her. My grandparents didn't bother going to the police or anything because the judge would have told them she was out looking for sex due to what she had on.

People are so stupid. Those rapists, and your grandparents.

How were my grandparents stupid?

It was the 70's and back then women didn't have rights and the judge would have just said it was the victim's fault they were raped. So what could my grandparents do about it then?

Well, I wouldn't know how bad it was in the 70s. They could have at least still tried though, I mean it's their daughter's honour.

They were probably thinking of their daughter's honour... the last thing you'd want in the seventies would be the case to fail in court (as it almost certainly would) and all the neighbours to know what had happened, and label the victim a whore. In those days the rape victim's identity was not protected, and she would have had her business known to all and sundry. Even if she'd won everyone she knew would know what had happened, and most of them would have thought she'd asked for it. Given the poor treatment of women back then I think they did the right thing.

League Girl, I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I hope that you got a lot of love and support after it happened.