Thanks

Post Reply New Topic

[u][Good grief. I was extremely not clear in my question at all - extremely gray as someone has noted. I

Last edited by natesmom on 09 Jul 2009, 1:32 pm, edited 5 times in total.

What does Aspergers have to do with not meeting your emotional needs? Your marriage needs work, you don't need Aspergers as an excuse for not getting what you want out of a relationship. Does Aspergers explain why you're stuck in a relationship that is making you and your kids unhappy?

I'm not flaming. Family isn't a choice, marriage is. If that choice is making you unhappy, then don't try to find excuses for why things are the way they are, be proactive in changing it for the better. If it's important to him, he'll find a way to make it work, if it's not important, then you need to find something that does make you happy.

I get sidetracked when I'm doing things I dread doing and it may take me awhile to get around to something, but it sounds like there's a lot more issues in your relationship than can be fixed by hiring a handyman to do the things your husband isn't interested in doing.

You have to remember that a major aspect of Aspergers is that not everything sinks in.

While you may think it should sink in in your time frame, or under X number of repetitions, such are just assumptions about how another person thinks. If there's one thing autism proves, its that just because you think someone should get something, doesn't mean they actually do.

What autistics need is massive helpings of patience. They'll get it eventually, and eventually they'll show you they care.

I do not think there is enough 'evidence' in your post to conclude one way or another. Many people have traits of AS but do not have AS so it is difficult to determine if your husband is an inconsiderate NT or oblivious to your needs because of AS. Perhaps it would be helpful if you went through the criteria for AS and marked off which ones apply to your husband. Is there some reason you cannot ask him to get a diagnosis?

Also why are you so hopeful that he has AS? Either way, your marriage has problems if you are unhappy and a diagnosis of AS is not going to make all those issues disappear.

True in my case, especially for this thread. I should have seen it sooner.

If a majority of your time and focus is on your son, then maybe he doesn't feel like part of the family anymore. It may be a passive aggressive reaction to feeling like an outsider. Convince him to go with you to therapy. Children may need a lot of attention, but so do grown men and women. Maybe he feels his efforts are being taken for granted and he needs reassurance that he's part of a team. I hear communication is popular with couples these days, maybe that and a little more time reserved to reconnecting is all you need to fix the problem. Feeling ignored and taken for granted doesn't have to be logical or make sense, it's a feeling, and you can't just rationalize it away. Your husband may know it's not logical, he may rationally understand that your son may need more of your time and attention, but he still feels neglected. Best thing to do is to remember you're a couple, and as a couple you have an obligation to each other as well as your kids.

A friend's dad left his wife because the friend's mom and his two sisters decided to find religion and spend all their free time doing church functions. I guess my friend's dad figured that charity should begin at home. If this is a passive aggressive response to feelings of being ignored, then you need to address it before the damage is irreversible.

Last edited by TonyFremont on 07 Jul 2009, 2:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

I didn't see much in OP's post that reminded me of Asperger's. I don't think that post is enough to tell at least.

You sound like you're desperately trying to understand your husband, without his cooperation in making himself understood. This is the main problem I see in your relationship, whether NT or Aspie. Have you asked your husband why he first does his dishes and then the rest? It's a very strange behavior, and he's the best source to find the answer. If you asked, what did he answer? And if you asked and he didn't answer, is this a common thing with him that he won't give you answers, that you're left on the outside looking in?

I think this is a good point to start, to see what the real problem is. Otherwise, it's all a mass of speculations that leads to nothing real. In a good-enough relationship, you'd be together trying to figure out his weird behaviors and deciding if he should go for a diagnosis.

They do publicly post diagnostic criteria for AS. I'm sure someone will point you in the right direction. I've seen it quoted far more than once on this forum. But I don't think you provided enough info to tell. One thing to also look into is they have a disorder specifically for the sensory issues. They say Aspies generally have that disorder, but that disorder alone doesn't mean Aspergers. I forget the name, but it had the word sensory in it.

It is possible that your husband is just a very selfish person with some OCD issues (obsessive compulsive). It's okay, my husband is a very selfish man too. You just have to train them I guess. I use a lot of tactics used in dog training, some brainwashing techniques (very similar to how people generally raise children or train a dog), socratic questioning (Jesus is a good one for that example), and my mother's guilt trips (it's a family tradition actually to guilt our family into things). If it sounds evil, sometimes you do what you gotta do for sake of the children, and it is no where near as evil as a man creating a family that he refuses to take responsibility for. Seriously, you are basically a single mom right now and add your husband down to your list of kids you raise.

I've tried to do everything for my husband, but with the kids, I just can't keep up to other people's expectations. I just get on him like he's a kid when it comes to doing things like cleaning, fixing something, or mowing the lawn. Even then, many times he still half arses it to where I have to follow and do it right. Then I use the guilt when it comes to his spending habits (as he will buy himself something for my birthday without getting me anything, but that has changed in the last couple years). I also use the guilt when it comes to his priorities (like him having issues leaving band practice early to drive me and his daughter to the ER). The brainwashing technique I had to do because he's Puerto Rican and was raised to tell the woman what to do rather than listen to her. Oh how I wish my father in law just read that. Hah. But seriously, a woman can't earn respect with men. We have to take it. All you got to do is make sure when you put him in an uncomfortable situation that you also take him away from it. You got to be the dragon and the knight in shining armor. Like you make him work and his back hurts, so then you rub his back (I don't do that, but it's an example). What do I do? I make sure I reward him basically for a job well done, and I usually do that with cooking his favorite meals, buying him something he's been wanting, giving him nights out he wants to have, making sure there is beer in the fridge, etc. I don't seem to go to Socratic questioning from the get go. It slips my mind, but I noticed with finances (paying bills, buying grown up toys, etc.) that Socratic questioning is the best technique. I really need to try it in other arenas, and I kinda do, but I need to preplan and organize it more since I'm playing trial and error and when I randomly do things, I don't really pay attention to what I do and how it went. But I know it has improved on helping him make responsible decisions with money. Either way, none of this happens over night (except guilt has some pretty short term results). I've been working on my husband for 2 and a half years now (since I had my first child), and he's still just at a slight improvement.

Really though, at this point, if I die, what would my husband do? Where would my kids be? I'm seriously thinking about making a "MOM Training Manual" for that case if i die at least my husband has something in writing on what I do and how I do it. But ideally, he should be operating as a team so I wouldn't have to do that unless I wanted that for cases where my husband and I die at the same time and the kids go to my in-laws. But I do make a good point here. You can take care of your children beyond the grave by planning for it and making all the necessary preparations.

Your husband doesn't sound like an Aspie (I'm one), but he could be a narcissist. It sounds like he has some of the same traits as my husband, who focuses a lot on his own needs and often forgets the needs of me and our two kids. For exsmple, he will often make himself breakfast but not bother to ask the kids what they want or try to make something for them. He just doesn't consider the needs of those around him much, and he doesn't hear a lot of what they or I say to him. He is convinced that he is taken for granted and that he does too much already for the family. I have read up about narcissists and this is one of their traits.

Oh, well if that's the case, then you need to disregard everything I said because narcissistic males hate me. But I think they are more control freaks aren't they?

I have to add myself to the "not aspie"-line. Nothing you said struck me as a person with AS, more like borderline or something like that. But as the others said, a diagnosis is not an exuse, it's an explanation. If he can't improve, leave him.

The tip I would give is to talk to your neighbours wife (if he has one, himself if not) and compare situations.

Asperger's get's mistaken for narcissism very often because aspie's can be very self-centered. Because your husband isn't going out of his way to belittle other's or inflate his self-worth, i would think aspergers was much more likely than narcissism in his case. The self-centered nature of your husband, refusing or struggling to do things with no personal benefit, refusing or struggling to do things out of the blue and his lack of facial expressions all suggest aspergers.

One thing that i have noticed, is that you are telling him to do things and you expect them to be done as soon as possible. Remember that people on the autistic spectrum are disabled to an extent, just because we learn to hide said disabilities it doesn't mean they aren't there. With my executive dysfunction, i would struggle to get my child a drink, i need a mini-routine to get things done. I like things to be the same. The environment you are painting sounds a very difficult one for someone on the autism spectrum, and you don't seem to be trying to make it easier. I myself am mostly disabled just because i live with my family, the environment they create, it is absolutely chaotic.

I agree. I have no idea if the description is of an Asperger's husband or not, but I know that Aspie's are very frequently considered narcissistic, incorrectly. Its an understandable mistake, but one that comes down to the assumption that we understand things, or see things, that we don't.

Sometimes we're just slow. I know I hear people ask me for things and I intend to do them, but I get mixed up or something, and they get lost for a while. Its unfortunate that this is perceived as rude, because it is not. It tends to hurt my feelings a lot when people judge me that way. I really try to be what other people want, I really just can't always see well enough to do it. And I'm not stupid, I just get priorities jumbled (with respect to an NT) and it can appear to be something other than what it really is. I just need people to be extra patient with me and I can make up for it.

I used to be the SAME way, but the idea of "rarely thinking of [others]" was just PERCEPTION!



i am the SAME way! The idea of not seeming to care is because I once cared TOO MUCH!



I don't know about THAT stuff, but could see it being related to the other stuff. He may even not feel right about doing anything with your stuff. HEY, most wives complain about their husbands NOT doing such things AT ALL!



Who knows, but I am similar now.



I've been the same.

In short, I think it is related to AS! As for the rest you mentioned? There is a book I could write in my sleep, but keep putting off. I used to LOVE programming, and worked on a program for a while and OTHERS bragged about it. They ADVERTISED it, with NO recompense! They recommended it, etc.... I used to LOVE the idea of modifying such things. I had a chance to become RICH! Alas, I kpet putting it off, and still have.

So I guess I am the same way. Many here and other sites have taloked about "inertia". On ASDgestalt, one person even said "autistic inertia".

I would also vote for AS over narcissism. If your son has AS, there's a decent chance that either you or he does as well. Your post doesn't really go into detail about the non-marriage related issues he probably has if he has AS, but that doesn't mean they are not there.

I'm fairly bad at remembering to do something if my wife asks me to do it, even if she asks persistently. It usually takes a few times before I either remember to do it, or I find an association that helps me to remember. Have you tried facilitating a routine for him? For instance, when it comes to routine household tasks, it usually works much better for me if I'm wholly responsible for a particular household task than to just do things off the cuff. For instance, I do the laundry but my wife folds it all. If we are going to do some cleaning around the house, I would much rather do the dishes than sort through piles of papers, so that's what I usually do. I also have a tendenc to do these things in big spurts, so one night I may be involved in cleaning the house for four straight hours, and the next night not want to do anything. Could you try something like this?

You've got to remember - if he does have aspergers, he's had it his whole life and had to adjust to what worked for him without ever having access to anything like a reason.

That can knit a whole range of twists into a personality. Different ones for everybody, really.

Trouble is, you don't have any access to his attention except through the twists until he works out for himself that that's what he's got. If that's what he's got. Certainly sounds possible to me.

And, even downstream from a diagnosis (itwhg) there's not a lot of hope for change.