His Mother Doesn't Like Me

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My boyfriend has Aspergers. His mother doesn't think there is anything wrong with her son. I am the one with all the problems. I am a bad influence on her son. We live together, and I treat her son bad. The list goes on. I have tried to be understanding and patient. Nate and I didn't realize he had Aspergers until recently. No one has taken the time or effort to try to be with him. Not his own family. But I want to be with him, and when our relationship hits the skids, I turned to his family for help, and his mom told me there was nothing wrong with her son. I need to just send him home and get lost. Keep in mind, her son is 37 and I'm 35. We have been together for not quite a year and a half, and we have every intention of building a future together. I am mom myself, and Nate loves the idea he has his own family now. I am the one who has gone above and beyond to find out he has Aspergers, and I am the one who is learning how to cope with this. His family does nothing. Nate won't even tell them about this. He thinks his mom will have a fit and tell him it's my way of manipulating him. Yet, he openly admits his family manipulates him all the time. And they do, and I don't like it. He agrees with me, however, that he does have Aspergers. He admits he has never fit in anywhere, and it makes him feel good to know he's not alone. Bottom line here is he won't stand up to his mother. He won't put his foot down and make me a part of his family.

Now enters the problem. I do not want to keep Nate from his family. Family is a very important part of my life. I was not welcome at Thanksgiving or Christmas. I got his family gifts, knowing I wouldn't get anything in return, as a peace offering. I got a thank you card from his mom, but she won't have anything to do with me. I am very good at reading people. I don't think the rest of his family has a problem with me. One of his sisters has told him I am a good influence on him. So just his mom doesn't like me. I told Nate, his parents are past retirement age, and they are farmers, what would he do if his parents offered him the farm if he left me? Nate didn't think it would ever happen, so he never really answered my question. I posed that to him just about a month ago. Just last night, a family meeting was called. His dad is finally putting together his will and is trying to figure out what to do with the farm. Nate comes home after the meeting, and I ask how it went. He told me when things were pretty much over, his mom talked to him alone in the kitchen. And she asked him exactly what I had said. Would he leave me if they gave him the farm? I was floored. He couldn't believe she actually asked him that. I didn't get upset. I kept my cool and asked him what he said. He told me his answer. He skirted the question. He never really told her yes or no. I told him that. He said it was going to take many people to run a farm. I said that doesn't tell her you would leave me for the farm. And it doesn't leave me feeling very confident in our relationship. Would you leave me for the farm? And he went into would I still work outside the farm or work on the farm? And lots of other questions. Bottom line was, he never really answered my question either. So, then I told him, he has a new family now, and he wants a child of his own too. It makes me feel empty when I can't be a part of his life. I told him, logically, when my family has a get together, you are invited. No questions asked. And you don't like to be left out, am I right? He said yes. I said, how do you think I feel when you leave to go see your family, and I can't go? You go out to supper with them and celebrate birthdays and holidays with them, but I can't go. Is that fair? How would you feel if I told you you can't go to my niece's birthday party this Saturday? He just looked at me and said he wouldn't like that. I said now how do I feel? You need to stand up to your mom. She has made her point very clear She wants me out of your life. If we are going to have a future, she needs to understand that I am a part of your life. I don't like my daughter asking on Christmas where you are, and I won't have it again. I'm sorry, but your mom isn't just hurting me, and I won't have it. What will she say or do when we get married?

So, is this the Aspergers in him? That he won't stand up to his mother? That he won't give either one of us a definite answer? Would he leave me if they gave him the farm? I feel very uneasy about this and want to talk to him more about this, but I dont' know how to talk to him about it. I'm very frustrated.

Wow, just wow.


I don't know if it's the AS or not but I sort of have the same problem as he does. I am too passive and I tend to let my mother treat me like a child when I lived with her and when I lived on my own. We go to Portland together with my dad and my bothers and their girlfriends in December 2005 and I see these teens putting their fingers on the water fountains in down town and they have the water squirt. I wanted to try it. But mom yelled at me not to. I wanted to do it and just do it but I was afraid of upsetting her. I have tend to let her treat me like a child and I hated it but I was too chicken to stick up for myself. It's easier now because I don't live with her and I can just do what I want with my life and not listen to her.

Maybe Nate doesn't want to upset his mother so he is too passive to stick up for himself and to even defend you. I was able to defend my ex's when I was with them. In my second relationship my mom didn't say much about him because she knew I would defend him too. Now I don't defend them anymore, even if she is wrong about them. It doesn't matter. But I would defend my husband if she said something wrong about him.

it seems a simple case of motherly /parental denial, that is she could not come to terms that her beloved son, the angel of her eye has something'wrong' with him. Like my mother when I had to explain to her of my AS, she took it all wrong at first and was kinda thinking that she was to blame for something, that is, she produuced a malfunctioning child, and also the fact that it also brought a few thruths home, that is that I think she has AS also, and this realisation was just a little too much (at first) for a person in their 60's to grasp... I think your partner needs to sit down with his family, parents and have a few basic conversations about AS, introduce them to what AS is, and in time gradually they may come to understand.. if they remain in denial, and lets not hope they are of the religious' this is a punishment from G*d strain of people or in fact the 'cure' seeking type, then it may be a hard decision as you find family so imprtant, but if the family is going to destroy your beautiful partnership choices may need to made.... but educating them, his family, has to be the first step.. and it will have to come from your partner to initiate these discussions... he has an understanding sibling which will help...I hope all goes well for you, my folks have graudally come round to understand as I persisted in enforcing the positives about having AS and that it has been a part of making me who I am today...infact it improved our relationship..

Yes, Nate is very passive. To a flaw at times. I don't know what else to say to try to make him understand he does need to talk to his family.

I think he does need to bridge the gap with them and AS. He is more inclined to find a way to get tested. He feels it will prove his point. That I am the one who worked with him to help him. He says then his mom can not like me all she wants, but he will have proof I am good for him. Is that the AS speaking, because to me, the fact that I have already done what I have is proof I want to be with him, and I am good for him. All of my friends say I must have the patience of a saint to deal with what he has put me through. I don't think I do. I just see the man inside, and he's worth it. So he's not prince charming, I'm sure not a princess! But his mom.... Oh, his mom.... I'm so lost as to what to do. I feel it should be him to talk to his family about his AS and about his future with me. I know I may need to push him a bit more because if I don't nothing will happen, but at the same time, I don't want to push too hard. Where is the line? Do I go with him when he does? I just don't know.

Bottom line is that he sees it as your problem. He's just going to cruise, and not take any responsibility. From his point of view, the women are kicking up a fuss, and he just wants an easy life, but not to make any decisions.

If you force the issue, he might do enough to persuade you not to abandon him as a lost cause, but even if he does that, he'll revert back to type asap, as soon as the opportunity presents, and the problems will continue, especially as time goes on and your lives become more and more entwined, and you invest more and more time, effort, emotion, youth in the relationship.

AS doesn't help, but he's just a fairly standard type.

So, it seems like the gist of what everyone is saying, is that the fact that he won't talk to his mom, isn't really rooted in his AS, but the fact his is too passive. The AS just really doesn't help. So, am I supposed to be a b***h and force his hand? That is what it will come down to I'm afraid. I won't get married and have a family with him, to continue to have this problem. I love him, but I'm going to have to force him to talk to his mom? I have already made it clear that unless his mom learns to accept me, no child of mine will be going to visit her, i.e. any future children we have. Nate just says, "her casket will be lighter if she keeps this chip on her shoulder."

If you force his hand, and you do it for you, not do it for the sake of being nasty, then you're not being a b***h, just assertive.

It's a really hard one, and this is just my opinion:
Intellectually, I'd give up on him.
Emotionally, I know it would be really hard, given the normal gamut of human emotions - loving him, fear of being alone, etc.

Putting the whole thing in one equation, I'd say that

- you've seen what the family he comes from is like - although he's not like them, it takes an incredible individual to not be damaged by stuff in their heritage, and bits of that family(oh yes, there will be more) will hit you every now and again from directions you never expected

- he's not trying to please you now, when the relationship is relatively new, and he hasn't got you "in the bag"(married and with a new baby), so how much will he take your side in the future?

i am curious as to what his mom wants in the woman that would marry his son...I'd probably advise the guy in the kinds of things he would need to say to his mom during the "talk"...that would be one of the questions...

If he really is ASish, I would not hold the passiveness..or not wanting to offend 2 parties that he cares about--against him...he probably does not have the "cunning" to "doubleplay"...He would need help.

Anywhoo...from the AS side of the fence meeself...I wonder if I have ever dated a single guy who's mom(or family) DID like me.

My first LTR's mom pitied me....she came from a completely different culture...and here I was, a "cultureless" teenaged whore...We were together for 6 years...She allowed me to be part of the family, but spouted off all kinds of dissaproval to her son....in the end, she put most of the blame on my family for letting me be the way that i was in her eyes....so it was her duty to take me under her wing and treat me decently...(She was of Catholic/ South American heritage)..She may have been part of the reason he didn't dump me in the earlier part of our relationship..a lot of it seemed to have to do with his catholic heritage, even though he was an proclaimed atheist...

In my next LTR, which lasted for 2 years, my partner's mother openly disliked me and was not shy about the fact. In her eyes i was white trash and unworthy of any respect. She never got the chance to know me and see just how weird I really am...His family was rich. His dad was an Exxon lawyer....They had a house that looked more like an office building in the most expensive neighborhood in the city....i didn't care about any of that stuff...we were just a couple of roommates who happened to hit it off and end up dating for 2 years....It was really more of a rollicking friendship than anything else. I was certainly not after his family's money...we just really enjoyed each other's company...His mom was a creepy tyrant...I could not have spent the rest of my life with that woman having some some part in it...even after we broke up and remained very close friends, he would get in trouble just for associating with me. take into account that his twin brother was disowned after marrying his high school sweetheat because she was a Catholic...

My main partner's family just barely tolerates me. His nieces love me, but everyone else in the family can barely say a few words to me...I am just too weird...At first they despised me because he had dumped his mature responsible adult partner for a mousy awkward woman-child...They would scarcely bat an eyelash, should we break up again, but I am not excluded from family gatherings...most likely for the sake of the kids...who like me a lot....His mom has drunkenly given him lectures on how he should find himself a "pretty" girl...At first, once I was kind of accepted as the floundery replacement for his mature-responsible-woman-partner, enormous pressure was placed upon me to produce grandchildren....That was never to happen...Over the 7 yerars we have been together, we have settled into a routine of neutral acceptance.

Better than nothing...

My mom has been pretty much the same way with me and my wife. Everything was her fault, etc. I didn't really see all of it until recently when she walked me through it after my mom physically attacked her in front of me and the kids.

That gave us the push we needed to say "enough is enough" and break off all contact with her. We don't have any intention to have anything more to do with her. I am 35 years old.

As for your partner, I suspect that he doesn't see why he should do anything about your relationship (or lack thereof) with his mom... that should be down to you and her, as far as he can tell. He doesn't seem ready to break off contact or anything like that, which means that (in his mind) he has to dance around any questions from one that tend to lead to "are you going to break contact with the other, or are you going to lose me?"

Now "standing up" to anyone is quite difficult for us... we can do it if we're willing to risk completely losing a relationship, because we know that's a possible (and even likely) outcome for someone with no social instincts coming into conflict with someone else. We're barely tolerated when we're trying our damndest to get along... if we actually want something that the other doesn't want to give us, we're stuck.

Now I have reached that point, stood up, and wound up with a better relationship. That was a pleasant surprise. But I'm not prepared to try it with my mom, who has always been a difficult person to get along with.

I don't want Nate to loose his relationship with his mom. I honestly think she can be of great help to our future. She can be a wonderful woman, but she can also be a witch, and I have seen. She has never done anything physically to me, and I honestly don't think she ever would. She is just being difficult. I think control is a very big part of it. She no longer has him to help around the farm putting more pressure on her and Nate's dad. I'm just lost. So much could benefit for everyone involved if she would just try to understand.

I won't have my family disrupted by her. My daughter was there before my relationship with Nate. And I won't have her hurting my daughter because Nate is gone to their family events, and we can't participate. Nate either has to talk to her, or, and I hate saying this, he will have to choose. Whether he understands or not. I can't do anything about that. I have to do what's best for my daughter. And if that means Nate leaves for his mother, then I can't stop that. He is the one who is giving up what he has always wanted. A woman who loves him and a family of his own. But I honestly don't think I will be the one who suffers. And I don't like that choice either. Because that decision could take Nate away from his father and siblings. And that's not fair to them. All for the sake of one stubborn woman.

The fact that you care seems to say that you are not the b***h. It is quite common for mother in laws, sister in laws, to hate the wife of the son, especially if he is the only son, or if he is a successful son, good luck, the odds are stacked way against you. Just keep treating him the way he wants to be treated and try to see them the way he sees them. Understanding overrides prejudice. Best wishes.

Luckily I don't have this problem with my MIL. My grandmother however didn't like my mother. That is something I don't understand about women, hating their SILs. They still have their adult child and at least they get grand kids so I don't understand why they hate their DILs. My mom never let my grandma get to her. I wouldn't let my MIL get to me if she were the same way. I would just stay away from her but I would still let my husband see him and still let my MIL come over to see her son but she would have to be nice to me or she can't come over.