AS parenting question.

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I should say, a step parenting question. I'm an NT male with a dxd female AS partner. I have two children from a previous marrige that live with us part time. We often get in disagreements about the style of parenting we should use with the kids.

She is a very by the book, follow the rules or else kind of parent & I am a little more laid back & believe in doling out punishment or penilties with a firm hug, a smile & a lesson rather than just "You broke the rules! Here is the punishment!" style.

I understand that we are both suppossed to be on the same page regarding family rules and what is to be expected of the kids but what if I feel that her AS is really putting a crimp on fair & reasonable compromise? She is very right & wrong, black and white, has the typical rigidity & inflexability that is common in AS & has a hard time seeing the overall picture.

For example. My kids are both straight A students, are not in any trouble with drugs, alcohol or sex, have typical friendships & IMO, are pretty "normal", healthy kids. Not perfect, a work in progress, but all in all pretty good kids. Things can always be improved upon, but to hear her sometimes they were the worst two, laziest, shallow children on the planet.

I guess my question is even though I value her input, and she does give me a lot of good input, in the end, as the biological parent, I should have the final say so, right? I'm all for trying to do this (parenting together) but what if I feel her AS makes her be unreasonable and unrealistic about how typical children are and what is to be expected of them?

How old are your kids? At a certain age, you can understand that a grown up is a certain way and just to 'work around her', or to smile and nod until she's gone, and come to you for a more reasoned solution.

But too young, and all they see is "I don't REALLY have to do what Mommy says, I'll just go to daddy." And a child that doesn't listen to an adult,no matter what the reason, is trouble waiting to happen.

My only suggestion is to go to your wife and try and renegotiate some house rules: a definite 'this, not that' set of instructions for her to go by that incorporates some flexibility in them.

Can you give a more precise example of her rules that your children break, and what exactly she says?

There's always cold, hard negotiation, and with small kids a "totalitarian" parent style is realistic. When they grow older, you can divert to a more... "Becaaause..." model.

The former is needed because small children can't work with logic(Sorry, generalization, but in practice, true) and big kids(ESPECIALLY TEENS!) don't usually do anything unless they're told the reasons for it.

Be...fluid.

I guess the gist of it is we have different ideas of what is "good enough" & what is normal to expect of kids. For her it's most important to exactly follow the rules and schedule and to complete the chores precisely. For me, it's not as important that the toilet is scrubbed perfectly as it is that, in general, the kids are being basically respectful, creative and doing well in school.

She does not yell at the kids much, but she can get snarky & I hear about it later. I guess the bottom line is when we don't exactly agree on a parenting issue I feel she should take a step back & let me do it my way sometimes. That may bother her but the flipside is it bothers me when I feel railroaded into making a big deal out of something that I don't think is. Does that make sense? : )

Again. I think her AS can make her unflexible and unbending at times. And you know kids, there is always a bit of bending going on. IMO a parent needs to pick up on the small nuances and variations that happen in life & be able to make slight adjustments at times. IMO anyway. : )

Penalty:

Maybe it’s time to adjust the punishment to fit the penalty.

Perhaps. I guess my main gripe is she almost always sees things as cut & dry, right or wrong I am more likely to try & look at the overall picture and to take into account any special circumstances. In the end I feel I'm just about as likely to dock the kid her allowance or special privleges as my partner but I try & do it more as a firm but loving dad & less like a drill instructor. Again. I feel that sometimes her AS makes it hard for her to see issues in anything other than black or white.

You are both right and you are both wrong. It depends on the child. Some are able to cope with flexibility and rules that depend on context. Some need very structured rules which draw a boundary in which they can function. With regard to how well they do chores, a five year old should not be required to make a bed as neatly as a 16 year old. Perhaps buy a book on child development so that she can adjust her expectations to those which are developmentally appropriate. She also needs to know that it is the child's developmental age that is important, not the chronological age, so someone with poor motor skills or low cognitive ability will require lower expectations than someone who is well coordinated.

You've said several times that you think she should step back and allow you to make the rules as the primary parent. It wouldn't matter what her expectations or rules or diagnoses were if that was the arrangement you had. It would also mean not giving her any parenting responsibilities like watching the children, fixing their meals, washing their clothes, giving advice, driving them around, etc. in my opinion to be fair. You don't want her to parent and you both agree that she won't, then that's that.

I don't think that's a sustainable model, though. And it doesn't seem that your gripe is that she's parenting, but that she's parenting differently than you are and you think she's too harsh. She thinks you're a pushover. Neither position is abusive, I assume. Both of you are digging in your heels that your way is the only way apparently. You blame her doing so on her AS and you justify your doing so by being the biological parent.

Your wife isn't unable to reason. I would suggest addressing this on four fronts.

1. What is actually expected? Agree together. Be explicit. Don't forget to include yourselves. Maybe it would be better if you checked the bathrooms (or if you cleaned the toilet) while she checked the homework. Write out all the daily chores for everyone and divvy them up fairly and harmoniously. Work with your strengths. Don't throw out the baby with the bath water: her being concerned about the quality of a job and the way things are done is a good thing and complements your family life. That isn't your issue, even, so don't forget to accept things that are fine but different and praise things that are actual strengths. Expect to regularly adjust this as you discover things aren't working or as situations change.

2. Tone of voice and word choice. You have a gripe that when she is correcting the children, she seems very negative. You want this to change. Suggest some ways, not necessarily identical to your own, that she could meet your desire for keeping the emotional peace in the house when correcting. You might point out to her that saying, "Hey, Tommy! This isn't clean. Come do it again." could be said in a scathing tone of voice and that it would sound hurtful or could be said in a fun and playful tone of voice and it would get the point across without sounding harsh. If tone of voice is hard for her to change, she might adjust word choice instead and you might suggest some short and polite things that suit her personality that would go over better. She might say that your tone of voice or word choice seem to undermine her or to send conflicting messages, which she might want to change, so you might need to adjust yours as well for the emotional peace.

3. United front. As long as this is a difference in parenting issue, you should only be discussing it privately with her and the children should never catch on that you two disagree, especially if they are older. Let them see you disagree on where to go for dinner and discuss and agree to learn how to do so, but saying anything that in any way could even indirectly send the message that you think she's too harsh on them or that she thinks you're too soft on them will be like begging for your good kids to go bad overnight. Kids will manipulate. Some less than others, but the opportunity will arise and they will take it. Don't set them or your wife up for failure like that. Have her back. If she is responsible enough to watch them, to oversee their chores, to drive them around, and to be parenting then don't swipe the rug out from under her because she expected the poop to be off the underside of the lid, too. Treat her as your equal, which she is, and empower her to do all a parent does, which includes correction. When you do that, you'll have a whole lot more support and good will in areas 1 and 2. Otherwise, you'll have constant triangulation and division.

4. Responding to the children. If your 15 year old daughter came to you with what you thought was a legitimate complaint but she had a rude or dismissive attitude toward your wife, you should set the boundary firmly that she may not speak rudely about your wife even when she is frustrated. That you will listen and you want to hear her frustration, but that you expect it to be relayed respectfully. There should be no bending for circumstances on that expectation. If she tells you a minor complaint, like those you talked about concerning chores, then I would not recommend blaming your wife's AS. Your children will run into many people in life who expect a job to be done thoroughly, who are sticklers for rules, who don't care what else is going on, who do things differently, etc and this is an opportunity to prepare them for that. Blaming her AS doesn't bring about anything positive and could teach them to stigmatize those with differences, which I'm sure is not the message you want to send.

To prepare them for having a healthy attitude toward your wife, toward the rules, and in the future toward others in positions of authority over them or who they disagree with, you can explain by saying, "Honey, you knew that having the underside of the toilet seat clean was important to Sandy, didn't you? If you think the expectation is unfair then you can come to us and talk about changing it, but in the mean time you need to do what's expected of you and you should have enough pride in your work that you do it well. Yes, I understand that you have a lot of homework tonight and you forgot. We aren't talking about what Sandy said right now. That does not justify your rude behavior. If you had explained in advance that you were too busy and needed an adjustment for the day, we could have negotiated something different. That's all water under the bridge, we're here, you need to get back to your homework and I need to get the dishes washed. Why don't you just go wipe the toilet seat again, come get some popcorn, and then get back to your studying with a clear head, OK? Sandy and I both want what is best for you, so next time let's talk before we get to crisis mode, OK? I love you."

Then you can do #3 and go talk privately to your wife. You can tell her that had you known about the work load as she did, you would have chosen not to make a big deal out of the clean toilet. That you would worry that your daughter would get too stressed and maybe do poorly in her studies, which was more important with the big test tomorrow. Then you can listen to why she did it. Maybe your daughter had an attitude and your wife was getting the message that your daughter was challenging her authority. Maybe she didn't think about the extra workload and you might need to change your expectations made in #1 to something else you both agree on. Maybe your daughter has to do chores after studying and entertainment and socializing after chores, and whatever chores she doesn't get to during the week are caught up over the weekend. Whatever it is, you and your wife can adjust your expectations to something you can both be happy with.

If your wife was too harsh, you can suggest that she apologize to your daughter. If she's open to it, you can suggest words to use. "Tammy, I'm really sorry I was such a stickler about the toilet earlier. You usually do your chores so well and you're studying for this big test. I wish I had shown more understanding. I brought a peace offering of popcorn!" If you're solidly backing her up like in #3, she can be vulnerable like that. The apology coming from her will go a huge distance in family harmony, far better than any apology you would offer on her behalf which would be sending the message that you might be able to be triangulated. If you're normally softer and she's normally sterner, she's going to need you to be a little sterner than usual if you expect her to be softer than usual in times like that. She can't if you don't have her back.

The only time I would discuss her AS is if she's doing something that you would want your children to have compassion and understanding for. If your wife rocks back and forth and the children bring it up, you can explain (probably again) that she has a neurological condition called Asperger's Syndrome. That Michael J. Fox has a neurological condition called Parkinson's Disease that causes him to shake because he doesn't have control of his muscles. Sandy's Asperger's doesn't affect her muscles, but it causes her to get overwhelmed from lights and sounds and movement because it is all coming in, coming in, coming in and she works so hard to keep focusing and taking such good care of you and your family and the house and working and that it can get to be too much sometimes. That many people with Asperger's find that it helps to calm them to have a repetitive movement like walking in a circle or bouncing a leg or rocking back and forth. So that's all she's doing. Other people get a glass of wine or take a hot bath or talk with friends and Sandy can wind down some after a difficult day by rocking like that.

An answer like that shows respect for her, reinforces her place in your family, normalizes her actions by comparing to something they understand and to others with AS, but still allows them to see that there is something different here, yes. You teach them how they will likely respond when older, allow them to identify with your NT approaches to stress management, but there isn't a value judgment for your wife's difference. It just is and you explain it and go on.

That's my advice. Take what you wish and dump the rest.

Eliza

That is a really good post and what you say is true for any couple. Neurology does not really come into it.

Thanks to all, especially Five Eggs, for the well thought out advise. I can't say I really disagree with much of it & will try to work some of those techniques into the rotation. Cheers!