Making the Best of a Bad Situation-at the end of my rope.

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Things are tough for me right now. After failing community college for two consecutive semesters in a row, I have lost all credibility with my father; as far as he is concerned, I'm just a "handicapped person who cannot be counted on for anything". My mom, while sympathetic, seems too busy to really help; she has the farm on her mind. It, to me, is unfathomable; she has two autistic children (me, along with my low functioning brother), and all she wants to think about is how to run the farm. She cares about us (my NT brother included, who I also care about), wants to help...but not if she has to bend over backwards to do it!

I think my dad definitely has Asperger's Syndrome, but my mom is convinced that what he has is Narcisstic Personality Disorder. I don't know enough to tell the difference; there certainly are many similarities, not all of them superficial. I also don't rule out the possibility that my dad could have both, or that my mother could have it as well.

One could propose that we all sit down and talk about it; well, that isn't going to happen. My mom simply doesn't want to engage in anything remotely like a conflict. I understand she has been dealing with my dad for much longer time than I have, and vice versa.

I've gotten off my anti-depressants a while back, maybe I need to get back on them; but, that won't make these problems go away. My parents have been avoiding conflict their entire lives; neither want to do what it takes to resolve a conflict, because resolving a conflict can be painful and messy. I understand that my parents can't (and shouldn't) stop their lives for me or Keefe; but, come on, I'm stuck here! What can I do...what can I do?

How can I make the worst of a bad situation. I have "A Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood. I should probably read through it, figure out what I need to do. I could go into Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (if they even offer it for adults!) I could re-establish contact with some of my old aides from high school for advice. I'm really at a loss...

I'm sorry if this post wasn't rational.

Sorry to hear that. Perhaps you're not "college" material? Is there a job training program you could do, instead? Somewhere you could learn a trade?

Is your farm what supports your family? If that's the case, then your mother is probably up to her eyeballs in work trying to keep it going so that you folks have an income.

There's not going to be a lot you can hope for out of the people in this situation, I suspect. You'll need to start thinking about what you can do to get yourself self-sufficient so you can have a life of your own.

Good luck!

I've learned through the years that there are no magic bullets where you finally find the right answer and everything falls into place. It's all about baby steps but holding your ground as you inch forward. Then eventually those baby steps accumulate and you find a few times where things fly into place and then you're somewhere closer where you want to be.
It's frustratingly slow sometimes and discouraging because results take so long to see but if you intuitively feel you know whatever you choose will work if you stick to it, then go for it. If it turns out it wasn't the right choice, it has still given you experience and insight into yourself so it's valuable data as you explore your strengths and weaknesses.
And, finally, keep writing on places like WP. WP is good a sounding board, a place to blow off steam and a place where people genuinely want to see you make it.

No, it isn't what supports the family-my dad does that (he's an electrical engineer). My mom is trying to run a business-which the farm is. As for college, I was doing well one semester...then it all went downhill. Must be related to an inability to manage stress and emotions without some sort of continued support; which I rejected arrogantly. Well, I suppose I'm paying the price.

Maybe I'm not college material yet; deals a blow to my ego.

You say you went off the anti-depressants a while back. Would that be about the time things went downhill at school? Some anti-depressants do more than decrease depression, some help the thinking/organization. Going back on, maybe at a lower dose, may help with the study/focus power.

If you're college age, it's not surprising your mother has less time for you... you're an adult now, and it's time to let go of mommy's apron strings and stand on your own two feet. I don't mean that harshly, but give your mom a break. She does have interests outside her children and it's not a bad thing at your age.

Why don't you start supporting her instead? Is there some reason you can't be a 'hand' on the farm? Or at least show an interest in it?

And yes, there is cognitive therapy for adults... you just have to pay for it now.

Regarding the anti-depressant, that's a good idea. Don't apologize for harshness; I prefer an uncomfortable truth to a comforting lie. I should drop the arrogance and do what is right for me.

Taking care of yourself and taking care of the people in your life is a balancing act. That's that reciprocity that Aspies need to consciously work on... and a lot of NTs do too, in my opinion.

Really consciously developing my compassion, both for myself and for others near to me, has really helped me. It's not always easy on either count, and it doesn't happen overnight, but it's sure made my world a nicer place to be.

Just like me, others suffer. Just like me, they wish to be happy.
Is there some small way I can help?

Ironically, developing compassion doesn't have to be an emotional process initially. A simple intellectual exercise of "putting myself in someone else's shoes" goes a long way.

The "movement" needs more people like you; not all these nutjobs running around.

I'm not really entirely convinced compassion is particularly emotional... at least not the sticky, self-centered stuff I usually think of as emotion.

I know when I was a vet tech, and even now when my animals are hurt or sick, I have a strong wish to remove the pain, suffering, dis-ease. Not for myself, but for them. I have a strong desire or wish to see them well and comfortable again.

It's sort of like getting things lined up... it's pleasing and right that all be well and at ease.

I don't know, hard to explain. But I've got a feeling ( ) you know what I mean.

I blew out of college when I was young, was not "ready" for it. Went back 10 years later and did extraordinarily well. Of course, when I went back I had a child to support and we were living on the school financial aid, so I absolutely HAD to do well. Incentive, is it was... Perhaps when you have a real reason to be there, you'll do a bit better?

That's a likely possibility; maybe I'll be ready one day. The main thing I'm struggling with are my deficiencies; difficulty managing all the details of life, preventing meltdown, and trying to communicate my difficulties to my parents. The last part is really hard; my mom ends up confusing explainations with excuses. Or, she distrusts any source of information that ISN'T my shrink; understandable, considering how much bunk there is about ASD.

I'm obviously not mentally mature enough to really be posting in this forum; I'm just 20 years old, and my mental age is probably not much more than a 12 year old. Social intelligence is what really counts in real life; if you don't got it, you're out. Unless, of course, I learn to fake it. I wonder how any friends I gain through faking it would react if, on my death bed, I revealed my deception. See what I mean? That immaturity.

Man. This sounds like me at age 20. I flunked the first two semesters of college. Then I decided to learn how the educational system works (which is NT based...) and focus on how to demonstrate my intelligence within that system. I managed a B average in the first semester I tried the new approach. Then I miraculously finished the last 5 semesters with straight As. Then got a masters and PhD, using that same basic approach.

I also taught at the university level until 2005. What I can say from this experience is that anyone with an average level of intelligence can make it in college. Now, whether you really want to do it is a different story. You may not want to and I don't think it's really necessary to be successful, happy, etc. But, rest assured, if you want to do it, you can do it.



Again this sounds just like my situation 27 years ago. The only difference was that there was no AS diagnosis. I knew something was wrong. I just didn't know what it was. And, like you, I felt there was little chance that my parents would understand. Now, that said, your parents may be more understanding because at least they know what your condition is. That might help.

In my case, after my parents became very irritated with my early failures, I ended up resolving to pay for college myself by working while going to school (rather than relying on my parents to help). It was hard, but one thing we aspies do have is a very high level of perserverence and if we can learn to make college a "special interest" we can do some amazing things.

If there is any way to get your father's buy in it would help. But, regardless, somehow the key IMO is figuring out the education system. In very general terms, the keys for me were to:

1. Learn test taking strategy. At first I couldn't pass a test on a subject I knew inside and out. But, over time I got to the point where I felt I could pass a test I knew nothing about, solely due to learning how to take tests.

2. Learn how to study. Not all studying is created equal. Some ways of studying are completely useless. Other types of studying are very effective.

3. Be very disciplined in scheduling your time and following your schedule

4. Consider what meds you may need to help improve the chances of success. I was not able to benefit from this, buy I have seen what meds can do and I am confident they can reduce anxiety (which otherwise consumes your mental energy, meaning less ability for complex studying tasks) and improve focus (which helps with complex studying tasks).

5. Take it slow at first. Don't feel compelled to take a full load while you are learning how the education system works. You can make up for the lost time later as you get more efficient at it. For ex., I cut back to 12 hours for a few semesters and finished of doing 18 (though that could have been avoided just by lengthening school by one semester).



I bet they want to. But, they are probably so overwhelmed with their lives and their kids' challenges that they don't know what to do. If you can come to them with a plan, instead of relying on them for the plan, you might improve your odds of getting them to help you with the plan.



I read that book. I didn't think it was very helpful. Unfortunately, so far, I haven't found any book that addresses the educational issues faced by aspies. In fact, so far I've only found a few books that were actually helpful in any sense at all.

The biggest problem with most of the "how to deal with your <fill in with relationship> who has AS" or "everything you need to know about AS" books are that they focus on identifying what we are not very good at while completely ignoring what we are good at. From reading most of these books, you'd think that most of us were incompetent, save for a small minority of apparent geniuses. To the contrary, I think that, because most of these authors are writing about a condition they have never personally experienced, so they don't actually know what makes us good at certain things and how we can use those skills more effectively. So, just as it was 27 years ago, you have to figure that part out on your own and/or by talking to aspies who have accomplished whatever it is that you are trying to accomplish.

I would definitely try cognitive behavior therapy. Though psychology and psychiatry had no way of identifying my condition when I was 20, let alone treating it or providing accomodations of any sort, by sheer luck I stumbled onto cognitive behavioral therapy as a teenager (and continued with it for many years). It was one of the best things I found to help me move forward in life. In hindsight I think it was one of the keys to turning my situation around (from broke, no car, a low paying job, flunking school, and seemingly no hope of getting out of that situation).

With regard to school, I don't know if what worked for me would work necessarily work for you. But, I'd be glad to tell you what worked for me in more detail if you are interested. I think I could go back and put it down on paper. It turned out to be a fairly simple solution but it did require that I follow the routine strictly. Any time I deviated at all, a grade would fall quickly and it required immediate action to undo the damage. More specifically, the only real pain in rear was making absolutely certain that on every single day I devoted the required amount of time to stay on my plan. If I fell behind for even a few days, it was immediately clear that my grade in that particular class was already headed downward. (OK. As I got farther along in the process, I could slack off for a few days and not suffer too much. But, early on that wasn't an option.)



It's a very real problem and you presented it rationally IMO.

Hang in there and keep trying. If there is one thing that we have to our advantage, it is perserverence and persistence. Use those two skills and it's half the battle.

As a pragmatic example of persistence/perserverence, I remember now that in my first semester in the PhD program I struggled quite a bit. I felt I was actually at risk of failing for the first time in years. But, this time I resolved to work my butt off and not to quit the program. The only way I would leave without the degree was in a casket or by expulsion.

After that first semester, I figured out how I'd inadvertently messed up my long standing plan and fixed a few things. It became much easier, and I finished in three and a half years start to finish...

I am impressed

It must seem disheartening because there is so much for you to do with so little help, but you have accomplished a lot, and seem to making plans for more. The only thing I can think of that you didn't mention is trying to spend less time with those who bring you down and more time with people who uplift you. For me that means more time alone, but I am good with that.

rock on

As an Australian let me say that Americans are obsessed with college.

You must pay or borrow zillions of dollars to go to to the "right" college to join the "middle class".

Your great grandfathers despised the idea of being a "hired man" for wages.

They would rather be a small farmer or a blacksmith or shopkeeper or timber cutter.

They would rather stand on their own feet and spit at the world then beg someone to hire them.

You're right in that, Wombat.

As an american who grew up in a college town and took this route (although 4 years after graduating from HS), I think it just puts off growing up for a while longer. Most american college students (maybe not most, I hope, but a lot) use this expensive sojourn as a big party. The list of top [10, 50, whatever] party schools are posted yearly so one can choose the 'best' school.

I think it would be better if kids supported themselves for at least two years and then decided if college was needed for their carreer path. I would never pay $24,000 a year for my child to learn drinking games!! And the rape statistics for campuses are very high. I would want my daughter to be mature enough to be safe before sending her to such a place.