How to Keep an Old/New Friend?

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A few months ago, an old girlfriend (whom I hadn't seen in 30 years) contacted me through classmates.com. She's recently divorced (about a year ago.) When we dated, she was 16 & I was 18. We were together about a year when she decided to end the relationship - but it wasn't a bad breakup (no meltdown for me.) There was one girl in my life after her (while I was at college) & that was a BAD breakup - complete meltdown. I don't want to get too far off the subject here, but I went into the Army for seven years & completely lost contact with all my high school & college friends. Since then, I've been living alone in a city about 100 miles from my home town. No close friends.

OK, back to the subject. Both our fathers are in the same nursing home, so we both get back to our home town - me, a little more often, because she lives twice as far away.

We've talked on the phone several times & exchange e-mails a few times a week. A couple months ago, we went to dinner (it was so great to hug her again!) That's when I first mentioned to her that I believed I have AS. She was so cool about it =) We talked about a lot of other things after that - so it wasn't a conversation stopper.

She's dated a number of other men & has a social life (she's a runner - races, not just jogging - and hangs out with that crowd.) Right now, she doesn't want to date anyone - all her free time is devoted to running (about 4 hours a day) and her horse.

We talk & communicate as much as her schedule allows - and I'm OK with that - it's just great to have someone to talk to again. She was a really good girlfriend to me & I was always comfortable around her - no problem talking to her - and that hasn't changed a bit. We can still talk about all sorts of real things - no chit-chat.

Here's where my AS tends to get in the way. Emotionally, I tend to be either all off or all on - no middle ground. With most people (including family), I just keep everything to myself - but with people I trust (few & far between), I tend to let everything out. It has scared a lot of people away.

She was never scared away (yet.) And I'm really trying to be cool & give her time to process things (and she's really good about telling me when I'm overwhelming her.) I am letting her control the pace of communication. If she needs a break, I'll wait until she contacts me again (and wow - sometimes I start to get anxious after a week or two of not hearing from her.)

The thing is, I think she's worried that I want a romantic relationship with her again - she says she's done dating for the time being. But what I *really* want is her friendship (and I have told her that.) I mean, after all these years of being alone, the thing I miss most is the connection that two people who really know each other can have. Granted, I prefer an intimate friendship - she's seen me at my most vulnerable - so I confide in her. I'm not sure I could handle trying to make small talk with her.

I just don't want to lose her again.

Any thoughts on how to reassure her?

Hi zeichner, my first thought on reading your post was how great that you have found each other again, and that she contacted you first. It sounds really positive! The fact that you're aware of :-

Yes. The all or nothing tendency of AS, I have this too and as you say it can scare people. I think they feel either overwhelmed or frozen out. If you're conscious of that tendency and keep that in check, it'll help. Maybe let her set the pace of the relationship. I can understand that you want to get closer but if she says she doesn't want a close relationship yet, then you're going to have to be patient. Maybe she'll invite you to get closer eventually if you show her that you can give her the space she needs at the moment. Keep it light, and friendly for now, even though you'd like more. Who knows how it'll develop in time.

How about trying to get some other friendships and interests going, so you don't focus too hard on her? And don't worry too much - remember she contacted you so she likes you.

Good luck!

Thanks Starr - I will do my best to keep it light & not push. (I can be very patient, when I put my mind to it.)

I'm also trying to gradually extend myself to other friendships. I helped to found a non-profit youth organization (a drum & bugle corps) in my home town a couple years ago - and there are a couple people with that group that I consider "friends" within the context of that activity. (I plan to write elsewhere on this forum about the value of marching music for kids with AS - something I have personal experience with, even though I didn't know what AS was at the time.)

I'm so happy to have found this forum! It has really opened my eyes to who I've been all my life.

My experience on keeping friends is not to panic, when you don't really have the evidence to back up your doubts. My longest friends to date are about 3 years going strong.

I'm feeling really good, right now! We've talked a couple times since my last post & I just got off the phone with her. She called & we talked - and it was a good conversation.

I like having her set the pace - how often & how long we talk. (Although, I do have to remind her to tell me when it's time to stop.) We get along so well (in no small part because she shares a number of Aspie traits with me.) There are absolutely no doubts with this one - she's always been straight-up with me (maybe she learned early on that I don't get subtle cues, or maybe it's just the way she is) - she always lets me know where she stands. It just makes me feel good knowing that she's out there - at least one other person in this world accepts me for who I am.

I can't help thinking how lucky I am that she cares enough to reconnect with me. There may never be anything more than this wonderful friendship between us - but that's a lot.

A final update:

We kept in touch over the Winter, through e-mail. One or the other of us would send an update every week or so. I did my best to be supportive of her interests (mostly fitness & training for triathlon) & ask about her activities, while letting her know what was up with me.

Somewhere around mid-Winter, she started mentioning that she really wanted to make some changes in her life - was going to put her condo up for sale & quit her job to probably move to another city (possibly the city where I live!) We would chat (still through e-mail) about how her house cleaning & packing was going - among other things, like her training. I also let her know how my life was going (I lost a lot of weight - back to my college/Army weight - and was working out a lot to tone my muscles.)

So - after a lull in our e-mail correspondence of a few weeks - I sent her a message this last weekend to see how she was doing. She responded that I should call her Monday - that she had broken her wrist & she had a lot to tell me.

I called & we spent quite some time with her recounting the story of her accident. As her story progressed, she started talking about how she was living in two different cities now. She has to drive back & forth between the city where she works and the city where she lives on weekends (and where her hospital/surgeon is located.) And she starts mentioning "Chris."

So I asked her how she came to be living in the second city. She said "Oh yeah, I'm getting married in October."

I said "congratulations" and the conversation went on for about 20 more minutes - although I couldn't tell you what we said.

All I can think, is that a friend might have mentioned that she had started dating - or at least that she had reached the point of moving in with someone. That seems like the kind of news that friends tell one another.

Seriously, we live 300 miles apart - so I won't complain that nothing romantic developed between us. I'm just a little hurt (maybe more than a little) that she didn't even hint that she was thinking about getting married again.

I thought I was doing the right things to re-establish a friendship with her. I tried to be supportive & accepting - and to follow her lead, rather than try to push myself at her. Yet it seems that (what I consider to be) "friendship" was completely out of reach. She apparently didn't trust me enough, or value my feelings enough - to let me know about major changes in her life.

I guess I need to take some time to re-evaluate this whole situation. The question that is really burning inside me is "what, exactly, do I need to do to develop & keep a friendship?" I have plenty of examples of how I've failed to do so in the past - and absolutely no examples of success.